(((mb))) I hope you have a very good lawyer. Please let your lawyers communicate with your H about the house, and everything other than coparenting. I'm glad that your IC is good. Take care of yourself. Healing is going to take a long time...you just have to take it one day at a time.
me: 42 | STBXH: 41 | T: 18 | M: 10 | separation: Jan 3, 2010 | they deserve better: S7 & D4 current thread: http://tinyurl.com/3y8sxcp .: first breathe, then heal, then start LIVING :.
mb28, I posted a very long and laborious thread quite a while ago. I challenge you to try and read it. It's lengthy-lol. You can click on my name and read my first posts.
There was no A. So I think our scenario was a millions times easier than the sitch you are in. He told me he was done about a thousand times and lots really hurtful stuff over and over but his ACTIONS were showing differently. He felt his kids would always be a priority and for that reason would not leave the house but want to live as coparents till I D'ed him. His words. He was very distraught about the possibility of being a part time dad.
I too was very worried for the children.
I honestly was done in Sept of 2009. I let him know that a D would be coming eventually when I had the money and the youngest was in school. That I acn not live in a house with a man that does not love me or want to be with me. He caved. I felt the love deep down.
He actions and behaviors (my actions and behaviors too really) were not to hot. I hope we are learning and growing from this.
I know that I can live with or without him and be FINE! I really can, I will not fear a D. He decides he is done with me ever again- I will go to a lawyer that day.
With all that we have been through I am not sure I could deal with an affair in the future. I probably would throw int he towel to be honest. B/c to me that is the ultimate in betrayal. (yet at one point in the marraige I thought I could possible look for an OM b/c things were so bad at home and I did not want to D and hurt my children- I was very, very unenlightened then). I never ever cheated and never ever will. My conviction is strong on that. If I feel the marriage turning south again I will fight like hell to get it going again. I will not look for a quick fix.
In hindsight, we have talked about this and I think our huge love for our children and desire to to what is best for them is what catapulted ups through the really horrible periods.
M38, H37 S3, S7 Together 15 yrs Married 8 yrs Bomb July 2008 Inhouse separation "I hate you" "We are over" (too many times to count) Reconciled Sept 2009 (still worth it)
June72 - I'm so happy your sitch turned around for you, thanks for sharing.
Good day yesterday! I was a little from the night before drama with my H. Only contact with him yesterday was a couple of text about the kids. I'm still sad that it's not working out between us. But I'm ready now more than ever to let go and move on. The last couple of days I've even thought of my future without him in it and I was able to envision happy times, where before I wasn't.
I will see him tonight, but I will have a friend with me. So I know he won't bring up any convo about us or D.
Together 16 years Married 12 years Me 36 H 34 D9 & S6 Separated 12/3/09 Confirmed A 1/25/10 Exposed A 1/26/10 H hired L, but not filed yet 1/27/10
Seen H thursday night and we had cordial convo. Just about money and Easter with the kids. We have some extra money coming in that we are going to split. He will use his share to get his own apartment. I made the joke "To bad we are getting a D, we could've used the money to get you flying again". He actually laughed and said I know that sucks. As I was leaving he asked me if I wanted to see the D papers he had written up, and I said no not tonight.
Since then, I've had NC with him and won't until tomorrow for Easter. It's been good, and feel so much better staying out of his drama.
I got some really good news yesterday about a big pay raise!!! This couldn't have come at a better time. It will help me afford my house on my own. I don't plan on telling my H about it until I'm forced to by the courts.
I hope everyone has a great Easter!!!!
Together 16 years Married 12 years Me 36 H 34 D9 & S6 Separated 12/3/09 Confirmed A 1/25/10 Exposed A 1/26/10 H hired L, but not filed yet 1/27/10
mb, good for you with the NC! That is a good way of taking care of yourself right now. Sending good wishes your way.
me: 42 | STBXH: 41 | T: 18 | M: 10 | separation: Jan 3, 2010 | they deserve better: S7 & D4 current thread: http://tinyurl.com/3y8sxcp .: first breathe, then heal, then start LIVING :.
Seen H for about 3 hours yest while we did Easter with the kids. We were cordial to each other. I was hoping he wouldn't bring up the D papers, but he did. However, I thought I handled it very well. I told him I would like to hold off on that for at least 6 months. He is going to be signing a 6 month lease at his apt he will be renting at the end of this month. I told him that I'm much healthier and can handle the house, kids, school, and work but I didn't want to have to deal with the D right now. I explained how it would benefit him with health insurance & credit cards, etc. And that I hope he'll change his mind about our M, but if not I will be ok and we can end it in 6 months. He replied with telling me he doesn't think I will be able to leave him alone in that 6 months (man he thinks very highly of himself).He thinks we should just get it over with as soon as possible it would be better for both of us to just move on. The convo didn't last any longer because the kids were around.
Together 16 years Married 12 years Me 36 H 34 D9 & S6 Separated 12/3/09 Confirmed A 1/25/10 Exposed A 1/26/10 H hired L, but not filed yet 1/27/10
Yup he does have a bit of an ego on him right now... when you have two women chasing you that happens... he's full of himself right now...
I don't konw about the negotiating approach or about asking him for things, but... if you think that's the best way to play it go for it... I do understand he has some leverage here if he wants to use it... You seem to be fending him off better.
Just keep lots of people around you and he won't approach you about divorce.. he wont' do it unless you are alone... he's bullyign you... and bullies won't push you around when you have others present to protect you... every time you are alone he exploits it... so dont be alone with him... EVER
Allen, Thanks, that is what I have been trying to do lately is always have a friend with me. Sometimes I'm not able to do that, and on those times, I just leave as soon as he gets home.
Together 16 years Married 12 years Me 36 H 34 D9 & S6 Separated 12/3/09 Confirmed A 1/25/10 Exposed A 1/26/10 H hired L, but not filed yet 1/27/10
This really is bullying, and given your situation he really should be ashamed of himself.
He won't do this in public right? He won't do this in front of anyone else while there are witnesses?
If not, then it is bullying and it should be regarded as such. Handle as you are now... avoid an instance of being alone with him. Ignore all phone calls, reply in writing - email to everything... be sure to cc a support team member so he can see you aren't going to hide his bullying either.
I'm not sure how many 2x4's I'll get for this. But I have decided to move forward with the divorce. There are several reasons why I've figured this will be the best:
1. H is willing to pretty much give me everything I want, so I might as well accept while he is offering and not let it get ugly
2. I got a really big raise, and if he finds out I probably will get stuck with more of the credit card debt. Right now he is willing to split it 50/50. However, with me making more than him even before the raise he could aske for 60/40 in his favor. After the raise it would be more like 80/30. So I would be a lot better off ending it now.
3. I'm sick of being treated like a piece of sh#$ and so unloved by someone who swore he would never do this to me. I found out he had bought OW some clothes, including her kids. Yes I found this out by snooping.
I've decided I deserve someone who will love me unconditionally. And who is willing to stand up to me when I am being controlling. Instead of backing down because it may start a fight. My H said he was miserable for 4 years, but never had the guts to tell me. How unfare is that to me. And I want someone who will not run to an OW for combfort when things are bad.
I know a D doesn't always mean that it's over. My BFF remarried her H after 3 years of D. But it is time for me to move on with my life. And if my H ever comes back from being the alien that he is and I haven't moved on yet, then maybe. But I'm not holding my breath.
No matter what happens I still fully believe in D busting. If I would have done what I needed to those first couple of months. I truly believe that we would be back together already. I want to thank everyone for their advice on my sitch. And I plan on sticking around to try to help others learn from my mistakes. And maybe some updates on my life too.
Together 16 years Married 12 years Me 36 H 34 D9 & S6 Separated 12/3/09 Confirmed A 1/25/10 Exposed A 1/26/10 H hired L, but not filed yet 1/27/10
