Wow. Look, I know enough about doing this (hey, I was once one of the ones who some thought knew a lot about DBing) and enough about myself to understand that I would LOVE to just be told what I want to hear all the time. That said, I don't expect it at all.
Then you came along Lodo. What you did tonight is actually give voice, a voice not in my own head thankfully, that is suggesting that maybe to a certain extent there is honesty in my wife this time. I KNOW she's not been 100% open with me about all of this but then again, she has reason to think I can't handle certain things. Since the first affair, she's never been shy about taking responsibility for my paranoia and claims that it's taken her this long to finally get over that and get back on the "horse" again in terms of building a social life again. It just totally sucks that at first she didn't really mention OM until it became fairly obvious that it wasn't just a group of friends but more like OM and his friends that were becoming her new social circle. Once OM came to light, she has been fairly open about who he is, that he's a bit of a "player", maybe interested in her but that she's in no way interested in him beyond the context of this group, but that yes, he is the one who introduced her into the group. She claims no matter how drunk, or how out of control she could get, that would never be an option for her. She seems sincere but I also know that even around me she changes dramatically when she drinks, and she's been drunk around/with these people already.
All that said, every R talk we've had (ill advised I know), and I mean the sincere ones without alcohol involved, she's just sat there and taken a beating. I've laid into her about this being an affair all over again, etc, and she's just taken it, fairly calmly for the most part and then consistently denied that it is now, nor will it ever be a problem for me to worry about. Totally not a threat to our marriage. Of course at some point I told her that wasn't her decision to make. Ultimately I would decide if this situation was one I was comfortable accepting. She never really even acknowledged that.
Anyway, I am slowly remembering all those lessons learned in my years here and hopefully Lodo, you're the one closest to right here. I KNOW I have my issues, a lot of which I went to great pains to fix in the past that are now back (controlling, angry, suspicious, not confident, wishy-washy, etc... geez, not a pretty picture). I need to sorta put this paranoia aside and get back to working on that crap. It's just hard, as you all know.
