It was quite a normal night for us. Some good times with the boys and then a few hours watching TV together. W seemed tired but beyond that, was fairly happy. She spent a long time on the phone with her sis talking about HER failing marriage. That's what I don't get. W sees what SO many people in our lives are going through, not to mention the public issues of certain celebrities, and always feels the need to comment on how sad it is that they cheat, lie and otherwise piss their marriages away. She doesn't even seem to miss the irony. Both my 1/2 sisters, her sister, one of our neighbors, and a co-worker of mine have all either filed for D in the last 6 months or are thinking about it. We've had 2 deaths in the family and my FIL has been in the hospital recently. W has had some health issues of her own too.
All this seems like it would make you appreciate what you have, but I can see how maybe it would spur you towards thinking about your own mortality and maybe how your life doesn't seem as fulfilling as it could be.
It's a bit confusing because apart from these nights she's spending out, EVERYTHING else is totally normal, even a bit better than normal in the ML department. Maybe, just maybe she's actually telling the truth and this is just a play to get a life she honestly hasn't had in several years. Even at her most angry, and trust me, she's gotten VERY angry at me in the past few weeks, she's maintained she still loves me, still wants me, still wants our marriage (well, except when she wants a D) but that I am screwing it up by being so controlling and "daddyish". She claims that if I just look at our life, and her behavior, I can see that she's still "here" but just needs to have friends again. I suppose there is a lot of validity there... if it weren't for the OM, I would 100% support her in all this. I have told her that but she keeps insisting that OM is a non-issue. She claims that I am the problem because I keep going on about it. She insists that I am just paranoid... and she concedes that our history gives me every right to be.
Anyway, when she was talking to her sis, she went into the garage. My old, snarky self crept out and I asked her why all the hush-hush. I know her sis is going through some marriage issues so why the private talk... I asked her if she was commiserating and sharing about OUR issues. W immediately said "no" not at all. It was all about sis and anyway, she doesn't have anything to tell... um, really? Jeezus, am I really that delusional... or is she?
She has continued to vehemently deny that she is in any way looking to step out of our marriage, temporarily or permanently. Then again, there have been the 2 times she was REALLY drunk and said she was leaving, wanted a D, threatened to "leave now" with "someone", etc. Then, in the morning, in the light of day, she TOTALLY denied wanting any of that. TOTALLY denied that OM was anything other than a casual friend and a catalyst into this new group of folks she's hanging with. Too bad that was her MO from the last affair. Rings too true to me. Like they say "I may be paranoid but that doesn't mean they aren't out to get me"
To be sure, over the past couple weeks we have had a LOT of BAD R talks that I initiated. That has lead to some of the worst fights we've ever had, including one where I left and slept in my car. The one thing I have taken stock of and will immediately change now that I am visiting DB-land again is that it's not ok to do that at this point. I will stop.
Anyway, thanks for reading if you did, if not and you skipped this one, 'tis ok. I'm just thinking out loud. 3000+ posts later and you get the idea I do that a lot.
