I have no idea what she would think about me putting my ring back on. I almost threw it into a lake a few weeks ago.lol
The dating is not an issue with me really but I have not met anyone yet. The last person I went out with only made me miss my wife more.
The financial security is a huge deal for her now that I have been enlightened by all this I can see that. I have a plan for making over 100k a year within a year or two but I have not told her about it. My career is an arts career and hers is a corporate one, very different and I may NEVER make enough money.
At this point I need the divorce settlement to pay off my debts!
Me 35 Wife 34 Two daughters 8 years and 3 years Bomb 3/30/09 W filed 4/16/09 We met in'92 married in 2000 Divorce final
Your last post brought about another question in my mind. You have a plan for makeing over $100K and you have never told her about it. I don't care about the dollar figure....what this tells me (or indicates to me) is that you may be guilty of something my wife told ME I was guilty of, and that is not sharing dreams with her.
Maybe your wife is money motivated, maybe not, I don't know. I think you need to close the gap between what you make and what she makes, I won't deny you that. But to many women, money is not just about the money, they see it as both security and a way to make their dreams come true.
Remember when your wife drew that circle or whatever with the "who am I" in it. She was dreaming. She was pondering. Think about what she may be dreaming about. Do you know? Has she shared anything with you along those lines?
Most likely, she wants someone she can feel secure with and that she can dream with. Wow, sounds like what I've found out the past few months.
When she drew the "who am I" drawing I did not know what most of it was. Then I read her journal in August and found out most of what she drew had to do with OM!
Now that I have that out of the way...I will say you are 100% correct about dream sharing. Matter of fact that is EXACTLY what she told me a week before the bomb. She was mad about me procrastinating on getting the taxes done and she said, "what motivates you? You arent motivated by money, dont you have any dreams?" Of corse her attitude did not make me want to talk to her at all! She treated me like a child when all I needed was someone to be interested in what I do. She had this attitude that she and the people she works with were better than me.
Me 35 Wife 34 Two daughters 8 years and 3 years Bomb 3/30/09 W filed 4/16/09 We met in'92 married in 2000 Divorce final
She is about double. Yes, she believes I can close the gap.
I've read many of the posts on this website regarding WAW's. I've also read two books on it. I'm trying to learn.
I made the same mistake as you. When my wife wanted to talk about that stuff, I didn't want to. I was focused on getting the here and now taken care of. You were too. I can tell from your posts. Taking care of the kids, house, lawn etc. The day to day stuff.
That's the logic of us guys versus the emotion of our wives. Now that I am learning to look at life a little bit more through the lens of my wife's eyes, I can relate to her better....but if it happens, it will be in her time. But I promise you I will seize any opportunity that comes my way, and I will no longer be afraid of any conversation she wants to have about how she FEELS or what SHE'S thinking about.
And, you see, you got adversarial when the two of you talked about dreams and her attitude. From this point forward, at least think about how SHE feels about YOUR attitude. I agree with you, this is a hard road. It will seem like it's all about her. That's some of what dreaming is about. When she dreams, it's about what she wants. She sees you as someone who doesn't want to dream WITH her.
I have and am still experiencing this very stuff, so I am talking to the guy in the mirror as much as I am to you.
I undertsand Glimmer and I hope that there is something for you to learn from my experiences here.
I was adversarial then because it was pre-bomb and I had not yet learned the tools I needed. I have them now but she is unwilling to talk, dream, or listen. I suspect that she still is talking to OM.
Oh, and my wife makes 3, almost 4 times more than I do. For now anyways!
Me 35 Wife 34 Two daughters 8 years and 3 years Bomb 3/30/09 W filed 4/16/09 We met in'92 married in 2000 Divorce final
I forgot to finish something I was going to say...
Part of the reason it was so hard for me to dream with my wife was because I knew we didn't have the financial ability to immediately do what she was dreaming about. That's part of the reason why it's so important to close that pay gap.
Income = Dream Fulfillment
Don't be scared to have this conversation with your wife, even now. If you want a future with your wife, you MUST have it if the opportunity presents itself (or even if you sort of have to make the opportunity at some point).
Maybe this is pursuing, I don't know. But I do know that it is what my wife has wanted to talk about for a long time. What do you think?
Well, I think one of the reasons I sent that email to her was because she needed to be "let loose." I wanted to let her know that I am not holding her and that I am not afraid of losing her anymore. If I would have talked to her about dreams, my career plan, etc. she would have seen that as me trying to get her back. I hope it gives her some freedom to talk but my hope is very, very small.
Me 35 Wife 34 Two daughters 8 years and 3 years Bomb 3/30/09 W filed 4/16/09 We met in'92 married in 2000 Divorce final
Once again, just my opinion. If OM is EA, I don't think that will satisfy in the long run. So, if OM stays with his wife, your wife is naturally going to want physical affection at some point.
Start doing the little things now to make yourself that guy. You have been that guy and can be again. In my opinion, love can not be adversarial, and you've got to lead that for your family, which includes your wife.
Forgive her...love her...whether she reciprocates or not...
