Going straight forward...antlers 6th thread.

[antlers]

It's been horribly windy here in Oklahoma for the past few weeks. Nevertheless, I rode 51 miles yesterday morning and 52 miles this morning. Thank God for my bicycling.

Still working on taxes...supposed to file married but separate this year. It's the most expensive way to file...even higher than filing single.

Also still working on a huge information packet that my attorney sent me recently in preparation for the final conference and possible trial. This crap is neverending...I've already provided them with everything except a sperm sample!

[iwantittowork]

I've already provided them with everything except a sperm sample!

Oh man, I can't believe I am going to go there, and I hope you have your sense of humor on today, but you already have provided that.... *snicker*

Sorry man, I couldn't resist...

[antlers]

No problem. I hope things are better for you when you get where I am than they are for me right now...I wouldn't wish this crap on Hitler!

Anyway, I'm a better man now than I've ever been...thank God for that. And I'm still workin' on me...probably keep doing that until they plant me.

[Bridgestone]

Antlers,
It gets better, I promise.

Peace
Bridge

[antlers]

Antlers,
It gets better, I promise.

Peace
Bridge

Lord, I hope so. I know it could be worse...I 'could' have pancreatic cancer or something like that! My kids haven't been to our house with me pretty much since we've been back from Spring Break. Daughter got pissed because I wouldn't let her take a suitcase to her mom's (her mom has already kept 1 that I let her borrow to go on one of her cruises) after my son encouraged me to not let her take it because "mom will keep it." Son is mad because he got grounded from the computer for strong profanity, being mean, calling me names, and not minding. I've heard from them how they "hate" me and wish I weren't their father, and what a "horrible parent I am", etc. It breaks my heart...but I don't show it to them. I know that hurting people say hurtful things, and mad people say hurtful things. Son got suspended from school when he was at his mom's last week, and she let him stay home on the computer all day while he was suspended. Tonight she's taking him to an NBA game! Whatever it takes to keep them over there...that's what she'll do. She has poisoned them against me since she filed for divorce. I've seen a huge change in them since then. I'm trying not to take what they say personal...it's hard. I have to use sound judgement to regulate and modulate my emotion. This all comes at such a bad time though, as we are in the midst of an awful custody battle. But I can't let them curse, be mean, call me names, or not mind...regardless of the situation. That's not being a parent, and it's not loving them. They are being 'coached' by their mom...they say pretty much word for word the same things that she sends to me in her nastygrams via text.


ps - Isn't it true that without boundaries we cannot have healthy relationships with others...even our children?

[antlers]

I'm asking for help here.

I got this text from her last night about our kids...

"You are still emotionally and mentally abusive to them. You still get some sort
of sick satisfaction out of manipulating and controlling their little minds. You
have caused them more harm than good. They remember the way you treated all of
us when I was there and they will remember the way you treat them now. They are
smart kids and see you for the true person you are."


Our kids are cussing, not minding, and being mean. I know they need counseling. My daughter has kicked a hole in her wall over here when I told her 'no', my son has been suspended from school for fighting, and they both are getting in a lot of trouble at school. These kids were NEVER like this before. Their mother is using them as 'weapons' against me. When I take a privelege away from them because of their behavior (like those mentioned above), she let's them do whatever they want at her house. As a result, they are not wanting to come over to my house. It hurts bad!

I'd like to respond to her text. I'm asking for help here with that. And any other words of wisdom you folks could give me. Thank You. This is awful and painful.

[iwantittowork]

Boy Ant, I don't have much advice, Since this is a recurring theme in your sitch, have you brought this up with our IC? For that matter, are you in any counseling?

I would bring this text to my IC and ask for advice, before responding.

My first inclination would be to validate how she feels, but then state that when your kids are at your house, there is boundaries for behavior and there are consequences when they: Kick holes in walls, cuss, talking back to there father, etc.

On the one hand though, you probably do want to give them a little lee way in there behavior as they go through this, until you can get them to counseling.

This seems a fine line for you, so I'd really discuss with IC first, but that's just my 2 cents, (Or as I like to put it, my 2/3 of a cent after giving the rest to stbxw... :o)

Tough to deal with, I can understand, but keep a smile where you can..

[Gypsy]

Hey Ant..

There's no need to continue to apologize for the past. It's over, done with. It's the present that counts. Actions speak louder than words. A positive, confident attitude goes a long way.

Some books might be helpful, How to Talk So Kids Will Listen & Listen So Kids Will Talk and Parenting With Love And Logic.

DB kids. Listen without forming a reply. If you feel angry, walk away, telling the kids that you'll continue when you're in a better place. Anytime they talk, when you respond, use fewer words than they did.

This is a tough time, stuck with the mountains of legal paperwork, the steady nastiness of your divorcing spouse and now feeling the kids are turned against you.

Eventually the kids figure it out. One parent demeaning the other always comes back to bite 'em in the ass. Focus on being the best person you can be in mind body and spirit, growing to be the best dad, letting go of the texts she sends you.

Talk to your lawyer about her harassment, see if there's anything that can be done.

In the end, it's you.. and your choice in how you make your home a safe place for the kids. Never put down their mom to their face or in earshot, or share details about the divorce.

Set the boundaries, let the kids know the consequences for their actions. And family therapy might prove to be very helpful.

Keep you chin up. They're worth it. You're worth it.

*hugs*

[Gardener]

Ant, Gypsy took the words right out of my mouth:

Eventually the kids figure it out. One parent demeaning the other always comes back to bite 'em in the ass.... Talk to your lawyer about her harassment, see if there's anything that can be done.

From where I sit, your children have one true parent: you. If they hate you for setting boundaries and consequences, you are doing it right. Be the one true parent you are. And remember, spew coats are useful with kids, too

You are doing fine. Don't second guess yourself. Your instincts and actions are right on the money.

Oh, and...Delete All Texts from her. Before reading them!

[antlers]

Hello IWITW. Thanks for responding. This is what I sent back...

"Nothing could be further from the truth than the crap you just texted me. By making me responsible for everything, you make yourself responsible for nothing!
And we both know that's not the truth.
Our children are in crisis, especially because of your actions since December of 2008. I miss our kids. Im love them, and I'd like them to be with me when they are supposed to be."

I felt better after sending it. I've validated out the a$$ over the last 15 months! I went to counseling for several months last year after this crap started, and I got stronger over time. It definately helped. Her filing in October hit me hard though.

I especially like this advice from you..."state that when your kids are at your house, there is boundaries for behavior and there are consequences when they: Kick holes in walls, cuss, talking back to there father, etc."

I do have to give them some leeway because of the circumstances, but it's friggin' hard when they are so out of control, especially my son. He's become violent. He was always a soft hearted boy...now he laughs when he physically hurts others (including me)...doesn't seem to feel remorse, and NEVER apologizes for physically hurting others.