Thanks, LFW. Thank you for you concern about my detachment. I guess I have been seeking answers more than sharing what I have been doing for myself. Maybe it's the phase I'm in right now ... it's only been a few months, and everything has been such a whirlwind I swear if I haven't been so anchored in the protection of my kids, I'm not sure where I'd be right now.
As far as MLC vs WAW, I did read up on WAW and you are right, you could put my sitch in a picture next to a Merriam Webster definition of MLC; but not everything added up and as I started looking at MLC, I saw my W's face in the same definition of MLC.
Her childhood was one of abandonment ... her father ran off with her mother's best friend and never came back into her life until she and I met 15 years ago. Her mother had gone into a deep depression and was in bed most of the time unable to function. My W was my daughter's age, 9, on the phone with her Grandmother asking her how to boil a pot of hot water so she can make macaroni and cheese for her and her brother. Her Grandmother was her best friend and it was tough on her when she passed away a few years ago. I think her Grandmother's passing triggered a lot of this. She had two best friends the last 15 years ... her Grandmother and me. She has not fully grieved the loss.
As far as more MLC symptoms, she has been trying to re-capture her youth through diet and plastic surgery; working on changing careers; phrases like "I'm unhappy with everything in my life."
I'm not sure which forum works best to address this or where I should be to identify with what she is going through. I have found the most support here at the MLC forum, so I've been posting more here lately.
As far as me. Yes, I have been trying to move on; but detachment is not the word I'd use to describe where I am right now. I have started working on my MBA; have re-engaged in prison ministry--a ministry that I had put aside due to the time commitment and the belief on my part that I needed to put some things aside that distracted from my time in saving my marriage and family. I have also finally settled on an apartment so I can move out of the room I am living in at a relative's and get closer physically to my children so that they can start living with me part time and I can at least establish a family of 3 so that their Dad is their parent--and not a weekend guy to hang out with.
I am plugging on, but my heart is not entirely there. The "detachment" part is foreign to me. How do I detach from someone I still love so much despite what has happened ... and despite my inability to comprehend and categorize what is happening and what she is doing to our relationship and our family...
Detachment is almost a sign of unconditional love....for yourself. Love starts from within and not from the outside. I am not talking the quick "I like who I am and what I do love". but more a deep look into you...mentally, physically, emotionally, and spiritually.
This doesn't happen over night, in a week, or even months. It is a progressive journey that takes time and once started doesn't end. You have to bluntly review yourself....not in the eyes of anyone, but purely yourself.
So I ask you...Do you help others to make yourself happy or are you happy so you help others?
I'm working on detaching, but see it is going to be a long journey. I wish I could learn more about why and what is happening. Does this sound more like MLC than WAW? Or a combination?
I'm wondering if anyone has an opinion if my sitch is dealing with a WAW or MLC.
It is probably MLC based on the childhood issues. But the bottom line is that it does not matter. YOU do not do anything different for one or the other. That is her journey. You must take yours. Read on the stages of the LBS. Start to work on YOU. Let God work on your W.
I'm losing focus on my DB techniques. It's hard to "go dark" when I need to pick the kids up. Trying to be cheery and "getting on" is tough ... especially when I see her all happy go lucky and hanging out with our friends as though nothing has happened. She'll ask me about how my school is going and all congratulatory about it, smiles, encouraging and friendly like we were sitting across from each other at a typical dinner as a couple ... then working on dividing our debt, suggesting my budget, and asking when I am going to accept the papers from her the next.
CH, I know you are hurting and your world has been turned upside down but, you need to shift your focus away from your W and onto yourself. Get control of your life. Figure out your own budget. Take the lead on separating debt. Get a L. Research what D looks like in your state. Build your own relationships with your friends.
Try not to look at this at torture but as a way for you to grow. I understand its not easy. I've been at this for a long time and I still have moments of panic and pain. But I've grown in ways I never though possible. You will as well.
Hang in there.
_________________________ Me-41 W-39 M-15 yrs T-17 yrs D-12 S-9 S-8 B 5/08 S 1/09
I know. It's just still a shock phase. A disbelief that she would do this and look so happy about it, especially given her deep values of having and maintaining a whole family. That's where I feel I failed ... wasn't quite the father/husband she expected, so nothing is better than what she had. It wasn't Ozzie & Harriett ... but it wasn't that bad, either.
She will feel this way for a while. Eventually the shine will ware off and the newness will be gone. You can't really put a timeframe on it but it will happen. Nothing you can do to speed it up either.
_________________________ Me-41 W-39 M-15 yrs T-17 yrs D-12 S-9 S-8 B 5/08 S 1/09
Then what? Is it likely she'll see what she lost? Will it be too late from my end by then? There are days/moments I'm so angry with her I want to hate her ... and then I see her and know I still love her. I accidentally called her by her nick-name the other day. Throughout 15 years of our relationship, you could count on 1 hand the times I called her by her actual name; she's gone by her pet name up until the last 6 months when all this started. Then it slipped out. Now I'm rushing back to going dark ... trying to arrange to have the kids dropped off and picked up in a way that I don't even have to see her. Am I crazy? Or going crazy?
