Is this piecing?

[Freckle6]

Hi, Hope. I've been MIA the last few days cause of some medical stuff. I hate that you've been leveled with more bombs. I know the pure panic and anxiety you're fighting right now.

I'm glad you've not called or initiated any R talks. Stay strong on that. There is absolutely nothing you can say that will ever convince him that your R is worth keeping. Just like you're not convinced by what he's said that it's irreparable and beyond hope, he can't be convinced otherwise by you. If you push it you know exactly what he will say and they will be things that just hurt you more. Stay strong!

You're an actress, right? This is it. This is the time to break a leg and act like you've never acted before. Become the Hope you want him to see. The one that can set calm boundaries on how you allow him to act and speak towards you. The one that doesn't want her M to end, but knows she has the stuff to come out of this on top regardless of what he does.

My personal philosophy was that I was going to try my best to be the bigger person. I would bite my tongue when necessary and when I had to put my foot down, I would do it in a firm way trying not to make things needlessly argumentative. Not because I wanted to make his life easier, but because I didn't want to turn into that psycho, bitter, ex-wife stereotype and give him all the more reason to add to his mental list on why I was an awful wife. Pretend you're auditioning for the role of a Stepford estranged/ex wife and pour yourself into it. If nothing else, the distraction will carry you through until you regain your balance and you can privately gloat how much of a better person you are.

Stop dwelling on the legal S and a possible D. He isn't going to do the latter because you readily agreed to the first. He'll do it if he wants regardless of how easy or hard you try to make it.

I made it clear to my H I did not want a D and I vehemently thought it was 100% wrong. When he did file 3 years ago, I didn't fight it. He had to blatantly lie about me in the divorce papers because in NY you have to have grounds to D. I didn't even fight that or even tell him he was full of sh!t. I even went to his L's office to voluntarily be served. When I got back to my car with that envelope in my hands, shaking, I tore it open and started reading. To my surprise I didn't shed a tear. What I felt was relief. Great waves of it.

For almost 3 years (from the time of the bomb) it had been hanging over my head and signified the worst thing that could happen. Now it had happened and I didn't have to worry anymore about the if or when of it. I actually felt lighter than I had in years because all that energy I had spent fighting it (even when I wasn't outwardly DBing) could be redirected to things I could control.

I don't mean to make this all about me, but just want you to focus your energies on things other than a possible D in the future. You worrying and tearing yourself up over the idea of it won't stop it from happening. It's a piece of paper.

What would you think of that piece of paper if when it appeared in your H's mailbox, it magically took away all his anger and rage towards you and made him forget all the reasons he had to run away from you? Obviously the actual physical separation and legal sep. hasn't been the magic pill he's been looking for.

And I know you don't want him back like he is now, right? Calling your horrible names and mocking you to a freakin' cat? You're a strong and intelligent woman and I know you know you deserve waaaaay better than that.

I wouldn't give much weight to the possible OW. Really? What's she getting? If she knows the real story, she's obviously desperate and willing to settle. If he's got her charmed for now, wait until he unleashes on her. or hell, even finds out that her supposed "boyfriend" is going to marriage counseling with his wife while dating her. Giving his wife and son rides in his airplane. Watching TV in the evening with his wife. Have a big Passover dinner with his family and his wife. See what I mean Either way, she's an idiot and is going to be in for a surprise sometime.

Obviously, I only know what you've put out here, but I don't think your H is done. My H wouldn't go to MC when he was still living here, let alone after he left. I think your H is confused. I don't know how much the possible drug use plays into it, but the MC and all the other little things say to me that he's very confused and conflicted in his head. But still, don't talk to him about it!!! It's something he has to process on his own and you inserting your opinions, will only cloud him with anger and distract him from the real mess of emotions inside him.

Hugs, dear. Keep swimming.