The porn addiction issue is something that needs to be addressed whether you are with someone or not.
Way back, I expected that it was so rare I used it(no internet, afraid to get caught in a store) that beyond wanting it and thinking, I expected that M would end my desire forever. Wrong ):
I've got my first reading to do, "Facing the Shadows". It mentioned as you did that I need to look at this issue as something about me with professional help, not as a marriage issue. That's great from my POV, but my W wants to be 'supervising', I think. I'm risking my M by doing it, but considering her knowledge of my transgressions has only made D more likely lately, I've decided to stick to that. I'll tell her some of what is going on, but as I opened that book, I realized I really need privacy. There are issues I just don't want to tell her. Not now, at least.
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Restaurant waitress/W not feeling attractive/happy are just some ripples of this issue.
OMG - that is exactly what I felt. It was a symptom of my problem. I am accepting that it was rude, but I tried to tell her too that she needs to judge my intention, I didn't look on purpose - she was our server taking our order! For my 1st romantic dinner, it wasn't great, but I'll get better
Happy to me means that my EN are being met enough, and that I meet hers enough, too. When I picture myself old with my W, I want to see a woman I feel is old & wrinkly, but attractive to me overall.
I know most people who's H has this problem expects all women to look a certain way. I'm different in one way...I still see most women as attractive to me. My W isn't one of them, but she never, ever has been. I never really saw her before marrying... Excluding the internet, I had been usually pretty careful with my glances until our M really hit the rocks last year. I don't want a young girl with me when I'm old. I want someone who accepts my lack of physical attraction to be a problem, but not one that must result in D.
Quitting...
I hate sinning, and I know it to be a sin. I have all the excuses needed to make it hard for me to want to quit forever. So do I want to? I know I must, but I wish I didn't have to. (Screwed up, eh? That is what made me willing to see a doc!)
I really think her low self-esteem led her to say 'better this than other problems'. She also was certain I would stop. She told me that she expected I'd D her if she confronted me. That is how little she knew about me...I was waiting for her to help me want to stop - I would've been embarrassed, but I wanted her to catch me & help me stop (I think!)
So here I am. I'm making these statements to her: 1. I need to have this issue be my own. 2. I need her to accept that I will likely relapse at least a couple times in our M 3. I need her to try to be more attractive for herself, so I don't feel like she's a charity case. If you feel ugly, you will be ugly. 4. I need to keep ML with her so I am less tempted and can't break the addiction soon enough. (She is demanding a full stop in 6mo) 5. I need her to keep getting IC so my problem doesn't lead to her risking her life. 6. I need her support, not judgement by removing the threats while keeping reasonable expectations. This means giving me trust, even though I don't deserve it. I'm trying to stop for religious reasons first, myself & my dignity second, and for her 3rd. If I feel her policing me, I'm sure I'll blame her when I fail and I won't be sober for the long haul. 7. I need to have more time to myself & with the doc to work on this. This means I will be a worse husband and father in some ways or at some times.
Thoughts, anyone?
As you said on the dot, language is so much more than the words. Today, she got her test results and they are what I expected. She has begun to accept some responsibility and a willingness to improve. Good sign!
I think until the test, she really refused to believe that she misunderstood things. As she took the test, she started to notice herself ignoring the tester, skipping instructions, and preanswering questions before reading/listening. Again, good signs for her. I just hope she will seriously work on it.
Among all of my issues and pain I've caused her, I still have a few issues in our M that I'm having problems with that could lead to a D in 6 months. I'm hoping to get rid of these expectations, but I haven't yet.
1. Miscommunications (cultural & linguistic) & problems accepting influence (she's said the latter herself...that if I tell her she hates to do it and often won't) 2. Acceptance of me as I am 3. She expects I will be 100% physically attracted and I'm like 70% (better than last year!). I'm OK with 60%, but she isn't. I need her to accept my attractions as they are - I can't choose to be more attracted. I'm hopin the porn problem will make her less sensitive. 4. Honesty. I need to know what she is actually thinking.
Considering my problems, I know beggar's shouldn't be choosers. But if I'm just begging for the rest of my life, I won't be able to stay married.
Like you said, culture is a big part of communication and thus, a marriage.
I think I expect her to talk to family because she doesn't want to make friendships. This means that all of her issues & communication needs always fall on me, and I don't do well meeting her needs at all. This leads to the isolation feeling June mentioned. But what can I do? I am not her girlfriend, I'm her husband.
I asked her many times about the house, including this morning. I've told her I'm OK staying, but I want to go because of the memories. In truth, the memories are more of her issue than mine. She said yesterday that she felt despair when she saw the house on her walk home.
I follow what you said, TP. She wasn't social anywhere, and she really did expect all of her ENs for communication & recreation would be met by me. People have invited her over and more to build a friendship, but she refuses. (self-esteem & cultural fear?)
Thanks for your detailed response. I've had to think hard enough to write responses today that I know the ideas help.
