You are right about all 3 of those things. Just last night I asked her if something was wrong and she said she was tired. She also said that her eyes are always bothering her now and that she has a doctors appointment scheduled for it. I told her I was sorry and that I hoped she felt better soon. What else could I have said? I have not mentioned money at all with my recent requests to get the divorce over with so I dont think she is thinking I am after money.
Me 35 Wife 34 Two daughters 8 years and 3 years Bomb 3/30/09 W filed 4/16/09 We met in'92 married in 2000 Divorce final
How long have you been at this Glimmer? Have you read Coach's old posts yet? His sitch seems similar to yours and his "leading" DB style seems to match yours. What I am doing seems to go along with the DB technique "acting as if."
Me 35 Wife 34 Two daughters 8 years and 3 years Bomb 3/30/09 W filed 4/16/09 We met in'92 married in 2000 Divorce final
"I am working on finalizing the divorce. The pension is the last piece and it is close. The agreement can then go to the judge to sign. The house, 401k and ira are what will take longer."
that was her last response to my "I just want it over with" email. I dont know about you but I dont hear any hint at all that she has second thoughts.
Me 35 Wife 34 Two daughters 8 years and 3 years Bomb 3/30/09 W filed 4/16/09 We met in'92 married in 2000 Divorce final
Regarding her eyes, you possibly could have asked "Do you remember when your eyes first started bothering you?" and "Are your eyes affecting your work day?". Maybe she gives you short yes and no answers right now, that's OK.
What if at some point, she says something like this "Violin, what do you care?". I would then say something like "I can understand why you would ask me that. How long has it been since you've FELT like I cared?" Then listen.
Always give HER any opportunity to express her feelings. You don't have to pursue in order to do that. You're not asking her to do anything or go anywhere, you're just asking her how something...anything....makes her feel. She must get to a place where she is COMFORTABLE expressing her feelings to you. She may at first tell you she's never been comfortable doing that. Be patient, care about her, and listen.
I have seen a couple of Coach's responses here and there and I thought they were great. I am very new at this. When my wife said she wanted a divorce, I read and read and read some more. I came across this website. I invested my time learning. I'll confess, I had no idea about how strong human emotions were.
At first, I was focused on my own heart being broken. Now, I'm learning that with a WAW, I'd better put my focus on why HER heart was broken enough to want to divorce my butt.
I did not come across this site right away. I spend some time looking at some Christian materials, which is my belief system. That's where I come from with love is patient, love is kind, etc. Everything I would personally recommend comes from those things. Of course forgiveness ranks right up there too. You can't make someone else forgive you, but you can forgive no matter what they do to you.
Of course she has no second thoughts, and you recently sent her an e-mail (at another poster's prodding) trying to make it seem like you were taking control. In my opinion, control and respect are two way different animals. I also know there are other posters on here who would disagree with my opinion, so you can decide that.
That does not mean all is lost. I'll send you another post after dinner tonight with some tough questions for you to reflect on.
By the way, keep in mind that my divorce is still pending. I am not out of the woods, but I am going to act based on my belief system.
Thanks for being honest Glimmerman. I am coming to a place where I can really ask my wife how she feels and why. I did do that in october and she said she had so many "other" emotions involved in making her decision. I asked her what those emotions were and she said that she did not think that her telling me would help me. I told her that she was still afraid of hurting my feelings after all this and she did not say no. That was the last time I made an attempt at talking and that is when I decided I was done talking. Maybe after divorce we can have some talks about things. who knows?
Me 35 Wife 34 Two daughters 8 years and 3 years Bomb 3/30/09 W filed 4/16/09 We met in'92 married in 2000 Divorce final
Within the last week I read the book, "I Do Again". It is about a couple that divorced and then reconciled after 7 years.
I also read the posts on here from a user called Happy_again and they both gave me hope. I can always find ways to regain hope but at some point I must move on. My wifes latest response to my email gives me the reality check that I need to move on.
Me 35 Wife 34 Two daughters 8 years and 3 years Bomb 3/30/09 W filed 4/16/09 We met in'92 married in 2000 Divorce final
Ok, here are a few nuggets for you to think about. Don't look at these as things I'm saying you should do, but rather think about how your wife might think and feel about them in both the short and long term. Also, consider your most recent e-mail was at least somewhat on the confrontational side of things.
Also, remember my belief system. I do not know if you and your wife share it.
What if you put your wedding ring back on? What if you changed your mind about how assets are divided (while abiding by the law)? What if you did give your wife a small gift every now and then?
Here's my point. Are there ways you can pull some of the confrontation out of this divorce process? Is there any way you can send signals, even now, that you care about HER.
From some of the different materials I have read, it is not at all uncommon for a wife to dream of "running away and leaving everything behind".
Again, this post is not about suggestions. I'm just saying if you could see some hope for this girl in your future, being demanding may not be the way to respect.
Those are things to think about. I took my ring off the second week of August, 5 months after the bomb. I already changed my mind about how assets were divided; I gave her the house, quit fighting for child support and kept us out of court. I gave her a diet coke(we both drink it) just last night before she left with the kids. I am sorry but I feel like if I did anything else I would just look like a fool in her eyes.
Me 35 Wife 34 Two daughters 8 years and 3 years Bomb 3/30/09 W filed 4/16/09 We met in'92 married in 2000 Divorce final
I did not feel like my email was confrontational at all. I just kept it short and to the point. She has time to think about it and she will talk to me if she wants too.
Me 35 Wife 34 Two daughters 8 years and 3 years Bomb 3/30/09 W filed 4/16/09 We met in'92 married in 2000 Divorce final
You are correct, she will talk if and when she is ready. No doubt about that. I did not read all 30 pages, but I did read a few and got some idea of where you are.
I'd say you handled yourself well overall. Some of the things recommended on this board are opinions, and you just have to decide for yourself how you want to handle it. For instance, I know some encourage you to date while separated or in the divorce process. I couldn't do that, but to each his own.
In one of your posts, you talk about maybe you can get back together later. I'm all for that, but I'd start working today on later. How would you feel if you put your ring back on for a few days or a week? Would your wife say anything if she saw it on you? At this point, nothing wrong with a little experiment here and there. Perhaps a small gift (gift certificate to a spa).
Since you have kiddos, you're going to be interacting regularly. That won't go away. If you haven't already, start saving some money. Pay off your debts if you have any. Your wife is no different than many (if not most). Financial security is important to her. Take a deep look at your career. Seek her advice at the appropriate times.
Don't wait until the divorce is final to think about ways to let her know you care. Start that yesterday.
