I honestly can't see any addiction ending this soon.. he needs to hear her tell him to go away.. and he WILL pursue her still even after hearing that. He's too deep into this to end his affair in just two days of exposure... that's why my vote is to just let him DEAL with REALITY for a few days on his OWN... he is in PEAK PANIC MODE right now... why expose a LBS to that nonsense when he will settle down in a few days?
He was waiting for me in my car when I got out of work-he even took the fuse out of the car so I couldn't start it. He said all the things he said to MIL except that he added that he's not going to Retro with me, he just "can't" - the A has nothing to do with how he feels, and I did a good job validating. However, I did not break down and cry or whatever he expected so he kept saying "you're not taking this seriously." I reminded him that I also have had issues with how I felt for him, not sure if I should have done that.
Also, he said several times that OW and OWH have their own issues to deal with and I asked if he thought she could do that while they were still involved, and he said "I don't know, I'm not inside her head." So, he round-about admitted that he's not breaking it off with her. What she left me was, as I suspected, script in front of OWH to show him that she's going to "try" to repair their M. I want to call him, but she's been answering his phone. Classic response, the cheater now doesn't trust the LBS.
He's so hopeless right now, doesn't believe that he will ever be able to get the love back.
I'm mostly upset by the "I'm not going to Retro" thing, but he may come back around. We still have time for that. Should I ask again or give it a few days? I didn't want to leave a few days for him to get used to the idea.
Family night tonight so I'm going to PMA and have a good time with children.
He was waiting for me in my car when I got out of work-he even took the fuse out of the car so I couldn't start it.
As soon as you saw he got physical and tried to control you at this level you should have turned around and called a cab.. and then packed and went to a friend's place for the night.
I am TELLING you.. give him TIME to ABSORB the SHOCK. You cannot negotiate with him while he's in SHOCK.
DO NOT even TRY to ASK him what he THINKS his affair does to OW's marriage... why did you even ASK that.. he is JUST going to dismiss it and then HE feels MORE SURE of HIMSELF.
When you argue, HE digs his HEELS in and gets MORE sure of his OWN position.. you cannot argue with an addict... they ALWAYS WIN
NEVER dignify him physicaly controlling you, your car, or anything surrounding your person by conversting - LEAVE RIGHT AWAY
NEVER NEVER NEVER converse with someone who is physically trying to DETAIN you.. its ILLEGAL for starters.. you are allowed to come and go... do NOT let him control you like that.
Just give him a few days to cool down... do NOT engage him. If he tries to bait you into any kind of conversation LEAVE
"My position is clear, if you press this affair any further it will destroy TWO families... "
and you WALK AWAY... do NOT try to PERSUADE him of that claim.
THE ONLY way to get through to him is to say something SIMPLE and DIRECT with NO DISCUSSION to argue it.
When you cheat - you hurt your children = good
Do you think your cheating hurts children at all = bad
WHen you cheat you hurt children BECAUSE yada yada yada.. = bad
If you are gonna hit him, keep it direct and simple and then LEAVE it RESONATE if you let the subject change he will FORGET what you just said
He's taking the position that (I know, script, just explaining)... that he is going to leave me anyway. He's just biding his time. He said he only wants me to find someone (with tears in his eyes) that will love me the way I love him. He also wants to finish the conversation tonight.
Few things I have going for me. 1. he procrastinates-I don't see him filing for D unless she really pushes him. 2. I don't think OW is ready to move out on her H just yet 3. I am NOT leaving my house 4. He'd have no where to go and no money to go with 5. The kids are in a school in a town that we promised them we would not move until they graduate (2 more years) 6. I am not going to give up my dogs
He hasn't thought through anything past today and getting me upset and walking away, from what I've seen. Not that he won't - but hasn't yet.
Also, he just took a walk around the yard with me to show me the buds on all the bushes and fruit trees we planted. One of our favorite times of the year.
Some common interests I've always wanted to pursue are beer brewing, getting my motorcycle license and doing karate. He knows I've always wanted to do those things... is it too much if I start now?
Also, he just took a walk around the yard with me to show me the buds on all the bushes and fruit trees we planted. One of our favorite times of the year.
Ya, (sarcastic) he sounds like he has nothing left and is done alright... my wife did the same thing.. told me she was leaving asap and the next day she was planting seeds in her garden that would'nt be up til the fall... its SHOCK and ADDICTION they HAVE to throw that out at you becuase they are SCARED and ANGRY... you burst their fun bubble and you have to expect a reaction... this is his reaction.
The PROBLEM is each time you talk to him and he SAYS that it just does more DAMAGE to the two of you.. he needs POSITIVE contact from you... when you let him spew negative stuff like that it just makes HIM feel worse and gives him more conviction because he's SAID he's LEAVING...
Get OUT of there when he talks like that. Don't allow him to verbalize that junk... get him to a FT... have you found a good FT yet?
Retro is not the same as a good FT, you will need both to repair this stuff... if he WANTS to talk, let him talk to a professional.
Some common interests I've always wanted to pursue are beer brewing, getting my motorcycle license and doing karate. He knows I've always wanted to do those things... is it too much if I start now?
I don't reccomend the production OR use of any alcohol for EITHER of you right now.. you are BOTH emotionally vulnerable... you want to steer him AWAY from alcohol... brewing your own stock at home isn't a good idea... LATER when you two are solid again.
I think the karate class is a good thing, dunno about the MC license... it may just be something that wont have impact either way.
Few things I have going for me. 1. he procrastinates-I don't see him filing for D unless she really pushes him. 2. I don't think OW is ready to move out on her H just yet 3. I am NOT leaving my house 4. He'd have no where to go and no money to go with 5. The kids are in a school in a town that we promised them we would not move until they graduate (2 more years) 6. I am not going to give up my dogs
Have you consulted a lawyer? I am concerned he may D hoping you may have to pay HIM alimony?
I would NOT continue the conversation.. The stunt he pulled today wasn't a conversation...
I would tell him until he apologizes for touching your car today and controlling you like that you aren't going to dignify him with even an eyeblink.
After that I would also tell him HE pushed you into the first meeting and that YOU are going to select the date, time, and place of the second one.
I don't think you should be letting him call the shots like this... you are sending an implicit message that you are willing to be manipulated and controlled, and essentially bullied.
You need to show him you wont' put up with the caveman tactics any further. Each exchange you have Pass you TEACH your SPOUSE what you are WORTH and how YOU EXPECT to be TREATED
This afternoon you taught him you approve of him tampering with your car, you approve of him bullying you into a spew of panic stricken script, and you approve of his ONE-WAY conversations.
You need to find your dignity SOON or you are teaching him to treat you like a doormat. Has he even TRIED to apologize to YOU at ALL yet?
I wouldn't let him get one step into a talk until he offers that up.
I told my wife that... she spewed at me much the same as you got here... I told her straight out that I deserve better treatment than I got and I deserve at the VERY least an apology.
After she offered that up, THEN i listened. But pay attention to how much time he puts into finding out how YOU FEEL... so far its been ZERO.. and I would NOT reccomend you tolerate that.
If you want a talk, use a stop watch and each of you get five minutes to vent. MWD mentions this in DB book - the first book. Just letting both spouses talk wtihout interruption for five mins each... a free license to rant if you will.. but a FAIR one.
I would refuse the 930 pm talk until he starts to show you some respect again... and a walk in the garden is not an apology for tampering with your car or for lying to you for weeks on end.
I am NOT making excuses for his behavior, but he claims he did that because I was avoiding him and not allowing him to talk. I didn't see it as disrespectful, but listening to your view, I can see it now, I will be having a talk with him tonight about that. I also get that letting him talk more will just normalize his emotions. He's gotten them out, I guess I can tell him that unless he has anything new, I'd just prefer to go to sleep. He's feeling pretty good about himself tonight. I'd like to think it's because he got out emotions he's kept in for years, but I think it's because he thinks he "won" this round.
Yes, I think its more likely he thinks he's won. I doubt very much anything he said today was honest... I suspect it was addiction talking more than anything.
HE was avoiding YOU for how many weeks AND having sex with another woman?
No.. you were giving HIM a SMALL sample of what he's been dishing out for weeks. HE needs to learn that just because HE wants to talk doesn't mean YOU have to sit and take it... especially when it wasn't even anything constructive.
Conversations start with freedom and willingness to negotiate... that is NOT what he's initiating here... he's bullying you.
I talked to OfficerInNeed on his thread and he said him tampering with your vehicle was actually 4 laws broken (depending on the state you're in). He had NO BUSINESS getting physical.
What's next if you try to walk out tonight and not hear him spew more script? Is he gonna take your car keys? Pin you against the wall and yell in your ear?
That act was VERY telling.. don't dismiss it... he needs to learn to NEGOTIATE.. not CONTROL verbal exchange. The irony is that he accuses YOU of being controlling and you haven't tampered with his car.. and HE was using it to go out and CHEAT on you...
SOrry but this was a real shocker... I konw its your car, not you, but its only a step away from him holding you in place.. which is VERY MUCH illegal.
You weren't disrespectful. He was for holding you against your will. You could actually had called the cops on him. He and the OW are birds of a feather. Both of them put alot of the blame on you and each other. They didn't take any personal responsibility.
Personal responsibility. That's what's missing.
He didn't find it disrespectful to cheat on you and with another guy's W, but thought you were being so just because you didn't want to talk to him? Whatever.
Right now he's planning his strategy on how he's going to see the OW. And she's doing the same. AA's right about it all being about control. He feels it spiraling out of his grasp, so he's trying to grab it back.
You've had the talk, so now maybe you should ignore him.
M-43 W-40 2D - 9 and 5
Emotion, yet peace. Ignorance, yet knowledge. Passion, yet serenity. Chaos, yet harmony. Death, yet a new life.
