Is this piecing?

[flowmom]

We're so proud of you for staying dark! Keep it up. It doesn't have to be forever. Like rr writes, just commit to it for a week then re-evaluate.

[BobbiJo]

Wow flo....that post is SO my exH. He lashes out at me all the time, finds fault with stupid things around my house, tells me how I have everything and he has nothing, but will then come over and clean out the gutters or fix something without asking if I want/need his help...interesting perspective.

Good job on staying dark, you can do it!!

[Kalni]

What flo posted from happy again sounds like what my H did. After the initial shock of him actually leaving (alhough I pushed him out the door, he wanted to stay till Cristmas), I calmed down. For me, it happened overnight. I was reading the secret and I felt there wasnt anything he could do to break us apart. I wrote to him an email saying just that and then I Dbed my @ss off.Never mentioned the D again and dropped the legale separation discussions. 1 month later I found this site. Dont misundestand me, after months of abuse (emotional) he left. I was devastated, all that eggshells walking, trying to be perfect, smoothering him, going to C etc etc, I realised I couldnt change the sitch and went nuts. I wished him dead, screamed and yelled. All the surpressed anxiety came out. I was crying all night for days. Lost 11 kilos (not pounds,kilos!).

My family said it's over , forget him. And then, as my bff says, I called her one morning and told her, "he isnt going anywhere, he is checking out the grass, he will be back". I had no idea it would take so long but at least that night I made the first step back to sanity.

H did just as it is decsribed here in the post flo quoted. He started coming over to pick up the kids and linger, was talking about common friends, showed interest in me and jealous of teh life we had with the kids. I dont think I called him more than 3-4 times all these months to talk about us, hardly even called him about the kids. He did the calling. I would send emails. I suggested he stayed for lunch and then he would stay everytime. I would be absent and he would fall asleep in our bed, he would treat my parents and family just like before, there were times it felt as he was coming back only to retreat back to his affair. I had no idea it was that serious but at that time I knew there was something else holding him away from us, something didnt add up.

As he confessed, he started lying to OW about how often he would spend time with ME and the kids. First summer he went alone with the kids for vacation, something bothered him. I was cool and happy.

I never asked (that I remember) where he went or what he did. I made some comments about the OW as if I knew they were together as a fact. He wouldnt reply or he would just deny it. I started asking for the divorce because he said he didnt know what he wanted and all the dealines I set were being ignored. He started calling to talk to me and ask about me. He started asking for favours, that I did for a while, Dbing, but then changed. He wanted away, he was on his own. I felt like his mom in a way. He didnt like it and got pissy a couple of times. I used the phrase "it's fine, we are fine now, lets stay friends and lets divorce so we can continue our lives"... He hated that.

In the menatime the OW was pushing. I think that's where she lost her chance. I was friendly, detached, independent, (and in love and happy)and she sounded miserable, complaining and pushing like I did before the separation. The kids were our connecting bond, were used to explain to her why he stayed with me for so many years and now were used to keep her away (he wouldnt even sleep with her during week nights and she had asked him in an email how so since the kids werent there).

I think for my H the OW was a deep love/emotional connection. It explains why it took him so long. I believe in most cases things arent like that. Which means easier to get over them.

Staying dark and polite and detached is the only way to go IMO. He stated what he wants, you respect that and do your won thing. And he better respect you and stop that BS with you and S. If he doesnt, you make him stop. That IS something YOU NEED to do.You have a life to rebuild and that is your goal. That is what he should see,IMO.

No crying, pleading, calling, reasoning etc etc. We all did that. It doesnt work, it pushes them away. The hardest part for me was to accept what I did, didnt affect him nor controlled him. Tough lesson to learn: "my rights were revoked" (not my license to kill though!! LOL).

You WILL be fine,(())
K

[Butterfly1]

i will take all this to heart, it's sinking in
but i must say that you never gave your H a legal separation and i did because i thought it would get us into MC - it did - but i also thought once there, H would begin to look at the M.

so now I am more in trouble. He is that much closer to being gone as he knows where he will stand in a D and isn't afraid of it. How can what you did work for me if I have given him so much leway - is what I wonder.

Not to mention, you are the rare one Kalni. Look at all the people on these boards - so many end in D. It just looks bleak for me.

But I know you are all correct and i"m trying to stay strong. H is sgoing to call tonight to say good night to S and I will have to resist talking to him. It's so hard.

[Butterfly1]

Flo - thank you. I can only hope this works for me. I have no idea anymore. Thank you for our chat last night too.

Kalni - thank you also for sharing your story. It's quite inspiring.

You are all such strong people. Thank you all for pushing me in this direction against every urge to beg, plead, etc.

[flowmom]

H4L, I guess DBing comes down to preparing for the outcome that we don't want (D), while leaving the door open to reconciliation. Kalni is giving you excellent advice, as usual.

What I hope that you'll be able to see is that the only good choices for you right now are ones that are good for either outcome. I am doing some hardcore work on my R with H right now, but I can justify it as an investment in coparenting since that will continue to be one of the most important Rs of my life, forever.

[rr22]

h4l, don't talk to him tonight or tomorrow. give yourself a break and give him the gift of making him wonder and worry. god knows he has done that to you long enough.

[Butterfly1]

and Kalni= I am crazy but in my heart I don't believe he is meant to leave. It defies everything he is confronting me with now == so maybe I am delusional. But I never felt that he was anything except scared and hurt.

[rockedworld]

H4L, I guess DBing comes down to preparing for the outcome that we don't want (D), while leaving the door open to reconciliation. Kalni is giving you excellent advice, as usual.

What I hope that you'll be able to see is that the only good choices for you right now are ones that are good for either outcome. I am doing some hardcore work on my R with H right now, but I can justify it as an investment in coparenting since that will continue to be one of the most important Rs of my life, forever.

^^ exactly ^^

Hope, you are strong too! You don't feel it right now, but you are.

[Freckle6]

Hi, Hope. I've been MIA the last few days cause of some medical stuff. I hate that you've been leveled with more bombs. I know the pure panic and anxiety you're fighting right now.

I'm glad you've not called or initiated any R talks. Stay strong on that. There is absolutely nothing you can say that will ever convince him that your R is worth keeping. Just like you're not convinced by what he's said that it's irreparable and beyond hope, he can't be convinced otherwise by you. If you push it you know exactly what he will say and they will be things that just hurt you more. Stay strong!

You're an actress, right? This is it. This is the time to break a leg and act like you've never acted before. Become the Hope you want him to see. The one that can set calm boundaries on how you allow him to act and speak towards you. The one that doesn't want her M to end, but knows she has the stuff to come out of this on top regardless of what he does.

My personal philosophy was that I was going to try my best to be the bigger person. I would bite my tongue when necessary and when I had to put my foot down, I would do it in a firm way trying not to make things needlessly argumentative. Not because I wanted to make his life easier, but because I didn't want to turn into that psycho, bitter, ex-wife stereotype and give him all the more reason to add to his mental list on why I was an awful wife. Pretend you're auditioning for the role of a Stepford estranged/ex wife and pour yourself into it. If nothing else, the distraction will carry you through until you regain your balance and you can privately gloat how much of a better person you are.

Stop dwelling on the legal S and a possible D. He isn't going to do the latter because you readily agreed to the first. He'll do it if he wants regardless of how easy or hard you try to make it.

I made it clear to my H I did not want a D and I vehemently thought it was 100% wrong. When he did file 3 years ago, I didn't fight it. He had to blatantly lie about me in the divorce papers because in NY you have to have grounds to D. I didn't even fight that or even tell him he was full of sh!t. I even went to his L's office to voluntarily be served. When I got back to my car with that envelope in my hands, shaking, I tore it open and started reading. To my surprise I didn't shed a tear. What I felt was relief. Great waves of it.

For almost 3 years (from the time of the bomb) it had been hanging over my head and signified the worst thing that could happen. Now it had happened and I didn't have to worry anymore about the if or when of it. I actually felt lighter than I had in years because all that energy I had spent fighting it (even when I wasn't outwardly DBing) could be redirected to things I could control.

I don't mean to make this all about me, but just want you to focus your energies on things other than a possible D in the future. You worrying and tearing yourself up over the idea of it won't stop it from happening. It's a piece of paper.

What would you think of that piece of paper if when it appeared in your H's mailbox, it magically took away all his anger and rage towards you and made him forget all the reasons he had to run away from you? Obviously the actual physical separation and legal sep. hasn't been the magic pill he's been looking for.

And I know you don't want him back like he is now, right? Calling your horrible names and mocking you to a freakin' cat? You're a strong and intelligent woman and I know you know you deserve waaaaay better than that.

I wouldn't give much weight to the possible OW. Really? What's she getting? If she knows the real story, she's obviously desperate and willing to settle. If he's got her charmed for now, wait until he unleashes on her. or hell, even finds out that her supposed "boyfriend" is going to marriage counseling with his wife while dating her. Giving his wife and son rides in his airplane. Watching TV in the evening with his wife. Have a big Passover dinner with his family and his wife. See what I mean Either way, she's an idiot and is going to be in for a surprise sometime.

Obviously, I only know what you've put out here, but I don't think your H is done. My H wouldn't go to MC when he was still living here, let alone after he left. I think your H is confused. I don't know how much the possible drug use plays into it, but the MC and all the other little things say to me that he's very confused and conflicted in his head. But still, don't talk to him about it!!! It's something he has to process on his own and you inserting your opinions, will only cloud him with anger and distract him from the real mess of emotions inside him.

Hugs, dear. Keep swimming.