Question

[Lucky11too]

Well, I think rehab is a great step for him. I just hope he really takes it to heart instead of just taking the "I tried" attitude. If he can just be open, therapy can be so helpful. It's still early in the rehab process, so just continue to encourage him in that direction. Yes, your R needs work, but he can't truely work on that until he works on himself (so like you said, maybe a good plan of action is in order).

I think it is a great idea to let H know where you are at, so he doesn't feel like you are blind siding him. I remember that was on of my H's biggest complaints when I left that I didn't give him any warning and a chance to make it right (not that I think it wouldn't have made a difference at the time, but it would have been one less thing he is blaming on me). Now, how and when you should tell him are a little more iffy. I probably wouldn't do it today since it is one of the few times H is finally seeing you and S, so it might be good to once again, let it sink in what he is missing out on. Just take the time to really think about what you want to say and how to best get thru to him and then decide if it would be better to email or schedule something in person (I know you have a hard time wraggling him in for a meeting tho). Or maybe do a hand written letter to try something different (since he seems somewhat unresponsive to emails). Yes, you are on the D train, but there is still time for H to stop it, with like you said, anything that could give you some hope to hold onto. You deserve better than what he has been giving you, so if only he can give you that hope that there can be more and a true change in the M.

So sorry to hear about S. It's just so hard to be a kid. My S is fighting some little bug too. No fun! =(

[awest1217]

Well, the D train is now haulted. Not because H is so wonderful, but because I am not going to have the money to file any time soon. The tax refund is half what we got last year. Not even close to what I need to file and in order to save enough to file...well it is going to be the end of the summer. AHHH!!!!!!!! This completely sucks.

I was really trying to open my mind this week and maybe give H a chance (number 3 million I feel), but this morning I am driving behind him and he completely ignores me. He said he didn't see me. He did say that I could keep the whole refund, but at this point I don't really care. Actually he said that he would give me the other half since he knows it is his fault we didn't get the same amount. First he wants some of the money then he is going to give me some. WHAT!?!?!

I am so tired of all of this. I decided this morning that I am done giving H chances. I was stupid to open my heart even a little to him because he doesn't care. He isn't going to do anything. Sure he is going to rehab, but the way he talked is like it isn't helping and won't help and if it does it will take a really long time. I am so sick of waiting and never getting anything. I just want to be done with him and now I can't because if I do I will have nothing and I can't have that so back to limbo land I go...

[ClingingToHope]

The taxes were a surprise for me/us as well. The stimulus plan changed the withholding tables, giving all of us more in our paychecks each week but cutting into our refunds.

Last year we got a $1,000 refund. This year we owe $1,000.

It's due in a week and I've spent so much time/money GALing that I don't have it. I've emailed W to ask how she wants to handle it. I need half from her. If she doesn't respond by Friday I may have to withhold half of my normal payment -- there's nothing filed compelling me to pay her -- so that I can file the taxes.

[Lucky11too]

I'm sorry. That does suck. Well, since you've made up your mind, I wouldn't view it so much as limboland. Yes, you're not officially D, but in all other aspects you are D. Just treat H like any other person in a businness relationship - immpersonal and to the point. Update regarding S as needed and request your monthly child support checks. It's completely up to you if you want to inform him of your D plans or not, but it might still be a good idea. Also, you may want to check around with various L's b/c it may not be as expensive as you think. Since H is not going to come after custody of S, there shouldn't be a court battle. When I had talked to an L last year, she was going to cut my retainer in half b/c I thought I could work it out with H all outside of court. Just something to keep in mind.

[awest1217]

Having a rough night. My friends just had their second baby (we had our first together, got married a year exactly apart, bought our houses the same month) and all I have done is cry. I am so happy for them, but it reminds me about how the plan was for me to be having a baby right now. I remember how special it was when we had S and how in love I was...now it is all gone. I miss my family and having that special connection with someone. I am very lonely and sad today. I know I will be alright soon, but it is so hard to deal with.

On a fun note, S was up when I got the news that the new little boy was born and I just started to cry. He asked why and I said I missed being loved and he said "I will give you love" and he gave me a hug. He is so sweet! I love him so much and have no idea what I would do without him. Now on to a long night because S hasn't slept the last two nights due to coughing and congestion.

[awest1217]

No sleep. S was up coughing all night and then had a 101.2 at 1 am. He is doing better now, but off to the doctor again today. At least it is rainy today....

[awest1217]

S has a mild case of pneumonia. I text H to come with us and he said he was too tired and not feeling well himself to go (code for hanging out with OW so can't). I then text him when S had to get his x-rays, which were a bear to do because S was so scared of everything. H said how this is his worst nightmare because there is a bigger medical problem and he is not there for me and S. How he should be there and sorry. UGH! Just now H text to check in and see how things were going. I am not going to respond because right now I am mad.

I just want to D. I want him to be out of my life for forever. I just found out a few minutes ago a friend who was also about to D now is reconciled with her H. They split for the same reason as H and I, but her H decided he wanted his family back. My H doesn't. I am tired, tired, tired, tired. That is probably why I am so mad at H.

S did finally sleep today and took a 3.5 hour nap. I also slept during that time. I am still very tired and I don't feel like making dinner, but dinner must be made because S needs to eat. I just want to sleep...

[Kalni]

I am so sorry about your little one... I hope he recovers soon, they usually bounch back pretty fast. We need more time to do the same

(()))
K

[Lucky11too]

Oh, wow, poor S! =( Yeah, H should feel bad for not being there...again. Less words more action!

That's tough when those around you have good things happening to them, and while you're happy for them, it's a reminder of how we're not there yet. Last year, I had 6 weddings to go to. I felt like such the cynic everytime I went to one, thinking yeah, right, "Til death do you part". With the friend that just reconciled with her H, were they mutual friends of yours and H? If so, maybe her H would be willing to talk to your H about where he's at now. Or even just talk to you about it. I'm curious about what makes a man finally cross over that line to wanting to be a family man again. Maybe it could provide us some valuable insight for our own H's.

Well, I hope today is a better day for you and S and that you were both able to get some sleep!

[awest1217]

S is feeling better, but after my nap yesterday I didn't sleep last night so although I am tired today, I am not going to sleep until bed because break is almost over and I have to get on a normal routine.

In other news, H asked to go out to eat for lunch. So we did and then we come home and H played with S and then we talked. It was S's nap time so I let S stay up a little longer to play because H is going back to rehab right now. We also talked. At first about random stuff, catching him up on things in life like friends who are engaged, things with S, etc. Then we got into finances and we talked about Dave Ramsey. I said how I don't understand and would like to know where all his money went this summer and how I figured he should have saved $4000 this summer even with a large budget for going out and he said he doesn't know. He says he hasn't saved any money until the last two months (when he found out he had to move out), but before that he spent every dime. I talked to him about a budget and setting aside envelopes since he has no debt and already has the first $1000 saved. He likes the idea and said he is going to start it this week.

I then got into how I am planning on filing for divorce once I save up enough money. This made his tear up, but nothing major. I said I can't wait for forever. I also let him know that I was going to file this week, but didn't because I don't have the money and because he told me he is going to rehab and I thought you deserve another chance. He said thank you. I then let him know that I feel our relationship suffered because we were never intimate with each other. Because of my passed with my mom sexually abused by my dad, I could never be fully physically intimate, and now that I have gotten help for that he doesn't want to be. He was never emotionally intimate with me because he felt I was judgmental. We had a good talk and I said that there is hope, but he has to show me that there is a reason to stick it out. That he really wants this to work. He needs to go to rehab to get help for himself, but I am worried he also is doing this so he can have a better relationship with OW and I will have waited for no reason.

Two good things that stick out from this conversation that he said were that he is going to rehab this week to talk about him being an abusive spouse. He said he has done a lot of reading and sees why I and others have said he is abusive. He said he needs to discuss why he gets jealous and wouldn't let me have friends, but he can have any friends he wants and I have to be ok with that. Second, he also said he is constantly working on the friends boundary. I quickly brought up the text from weeks ago and said that is not a text between friends, and he said that is something he is always working on. A third thing is that I do know now that H is living at his parents house and the reason why I didn't see him on the weekends when I went by is because he was at rehab. He hates living there and is annoyed by his family and sees more and more why he is the way he is and wants to change so that is really good for him.

The talk was good. No yelling or anything just us talking, but still no indication on if he wants to still be in this relationship. As I said above I ended by telling him there is still a chance if he wants but I need him to give me a reason to stick around. He gave me a hug, thanked me for dinner, kissed me and left for his parents to get his stuff and go to rehab.