Thank you SA, I don't know about strong...I think I'm more and more confused about my feelings about his comeback
WH came to work on the yard again today. He was very subdued and no kiss when he came. I initiated all the small talk while we each worked on our separate chores. It was a beautiful spring day. We sat down to take a break...he was still very quiet. I asked him "Are you tired, you are very quiet?" He said that he is down, it feels like someone died, that it will take some time for him to "get over her".
Here we go...withdrawal depression has already started. We talked about it a bit, I said that it's normal, that he needs to take time to think about everything and that I'm here whenever he wants to talk about anything. He said "I'm ready to talk now, you need to ask me what you want to know". So I asked.
Q: Why did you break up with OW? A: We were causing to much pain to everyone we love
Q: If you were single and didn't have families would you still be together? A: (No answer for a while) Maybe, I guess...
Q: Who initiated the break-up? A: She did, but if she didn't I would have
Q: Were you in contact with her since your split up? A: Yes she texted me once
Q: What about Her web site our company is hosting? A: We talked about it, our IT guy will handle it, I'll have nothing to do with it or have any contact with her I told him my opinion: Can't do, the web site has to go
We talked further, I told him that at this point I don't see much difference in circumstances between his first comeback and now. Again OW initiated the break-up and she is already texting him.
He said that it's very different now, he wants to work on getting back. Do I want to?
I told him that I would love to have the relationship we had before, but I just don't trust him, I'm too scared to open my heart again. He is saying the same things as the first time he broke it off with her (it's over, I will never see her again, I'm not in contact with her). And he was in contact with her, lied to me and left again. How do I know that in let's say six months OW won't contact him again saying that she is done with her Husband...will he just leave again? He said "I understand that you don't trust me, so how do we get past that?"
I said this will take time, you have to convince me with your actions that you are coming back for the right reasons. He asked what do you mean by "right reasons". (OMGosh I had to spell it out for him) "That you really love me and that you want to spend the rest of your life with me". (BTW I didn't hear "I love you" from him yet).
He asked "will you help me?" I said yes.
We talked more about some past relationship issues and that was good. Overall it think he is taken aback that I have my "walls" up. He has never encountered that with me before. I have a feeling that he thought that I was just waiting here for him to come back and that I would welcome him with open arms. Sorry, too much damage, this is going to be tough. I'm even surprised at myself how scared I'm am.
Last edited by Mila; 04/06/1002:07 AM.
M53 H54 D17 M33Y T38Y Bomb OW 09/09 OUT 10/09 BACK 11/09 OUT 01/10 WANTS TO R 04/10 BACK with OW 05/10 Wants to Reconcile 05/11 I said NO
Isn't it strange, that as soon as we get what we thought we wanted (WH's saying they want to be with US), that the whole playing field shifts again? And then we don't know if we want to be with them? We do, but the hurt and betrayal rises up, and how are you supposed to deal with that? Especially when THEY don't even understand that we are feeling that?
Anyways, that's normal. You said that he was reading "after the affair", it will help him understand. It's great news that he's reading that.
As for the rest, it takes time, you know that, deep breaths, try not to react to anything too quickly!
If you reread your posts from even just a few days ago, you'll see just how much change there is this weekend.
Hi SCH - I agree with you when you say that they have no idea what we went through. WH is saying that he broke-up with OW because of the pain they were causing.
I really don't think they have an idea of the extent of it and the damage that was done. What he'd said and done in the past year is etched in my memory. How do you erase it?
It's not really him sleeping with another woman...that I can get over. It's the betrayal of trust, that's the big issue for me now.
M53 H54 D17 M33Y T38Y Bomb OW 09/09 OUT 10/09 BACK 11/09 OUT 01/10 WANTS TO R 04/10 BACK with OW 05/10 Wants to Reconcile 05/11 I said NO
Got the bronchitis from my daughter Feeling pretty yucky. Didn't even get a kiss from WH when he came over because he doesn't want to get sick.
Talked about business and our plans for the future. I still qualify everything, for example "If you move back" or "In case we get back together". He is saying "ours" and "we" a lot.
Overall good conversation, talked about decorating his home office (me -"if", him - "when") he moves back. Talked about remodeling our master bathroom. I did notice that the more we planned the less qualifiers (if's) I was using (Slow down girl).
Husband even said that he will leave daughter where she is that she had enough upheaval with our separation, he will just move his office into her old room (she took over his home office space after he left. Great large room with sitting area and ensuite bathroom).
So far so good....I'm cautious and watchful
M53 H54 D17 M33Y T38Y Bomb OW 09/09 OUT 10/09 BACK 11/09 OUT 01/10 WANTS TO R 04/10 BACK with OW 05/10 Wants to Reconcile 05/11 I said NO
My prayers are with you. I hope everything works out the way YOU want it to work out. In terms of the loss of trust, I can only imagine how you feel but I think all problems are solvable. Take your time - do not rush this. You have worked so hard at this.
God Bless you, Eric
"The difficulties of Life are intended to make us BETTER,not bitter". "Fear is a prison, where you are the jailer. FREE YOURSELF!" "Life is usually all about how you handle Plan B." - Jack3Beans
I can't tell you how happy I am for you to see some encouraging things in your sitch! You so deserve it after all these MLCer do to us along the way...
Take care of yourself first and keep being cautious... (it's what I've read anyway...)
((((HUGS))))
~ This Diamond now SHINES!! ;-p ~
My Sitch in MLC - http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Main=45253&Number=1901148#
Mila, you're doing great! Slow and steady. Did you tell your H that you need complete transparency? If you did, what was his reaction? What did he say when you told him the ow website had to go?
I hope you'll consider continuing to post for awhile after things are back on track. The insights would be invaluable to us.
You are taking this all in stride and are doing so well! It is going to take time and effort! for him to earn your trust back. Hopefully he will do the work he needs to. Are you prepared to set up those boundaries and ask for things like transparency as SA mentioned?
For me, since my trust in my H has been broken, I can't imagine ever trusting him the way I did our whole marriage up until the MLC. Scary to think about, but I guess with time and effort it can slowly come back.
Eric, DG, SA & TF - as always, I treasure your encouragement and advice. Thank you
SA - Complete transparency is a must for me. So far I didn't demand anything, since I didn't agree to take him back yet. I acknowledged that he has to deal with the "grief" of breaking up with OW. I told him that I understand that it will take time. I'd also said that he needs to work it all out before he can move back in. In saying that I guess I gave him a "permission" to find closure. I assume that they may still talk. I'm sure that he will talk to her to find out if her H took her back and such. As I'd already mentioned, when I asked him if they talked since splitting up, he said once.
They probably will need to talk about moving her web site. Or I can suggest that I will write a business letter terminating our services and offering to assist her with transferring it to a new provider. And have our IT guy deal with it. That way WH doesn't have to be involved. Have to talk to him about that.
I asked him today if he talked to her yesterday and he said that he didn't. Do I believe him? Not really. I'd like to, but I will never know if he is telling me the truth. I guess that will get better as we open-up to each other more and reconnect and when I see how caring and loving he is. I think that's how I will know when to trust him.
After his 1st affair 20 years ago, we were able to rebuild trust completely. It took a while, but I did it. I remember that it took me about 3 years before I stopped having nightmares about the two of them being back together.
M53 H54 D17 M33Y T38Y Bomb OW 09/09 OUT 10/09 BACK 11/09 OUT 01/10 WANTS TO R 04/10 BACK with OW 05/10 Wants to Reconcile 05/11 I said NO
Feeling pretty yucky.