But, as an encouragement, my H and I just talked the other day about how "sparks" come and go and no R ever has a "spark" all the time... you have to work at it. We talked about how a M is more than that and there is so much value in all the rest of it too. H seems to get that now. Doesn't mean we are not working on getting the spark back... we are! But, at some point I hope your W can see there is more to the big picture... that is only one part of it.
GW, you are doing well IMO. You handled that talk like a DB pro! And, now it gives you more time to keep working on you and making progress in the R.
If she would consider seeing a doctor about hormorne replacement therapy, she might discover the spark can return. However, if she won't have the test done by a doctor who gives HRT, then in my opinion she doesn't want to feel any sparks. I think I know how she is feeling right now.....and I just wished I could convince her of what a difference her life could be.
It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
Some pretty big steps forward in the last few days. Still a ways to go...still a lot of fli flopping back and forth. BUT...
Two nights in a row with some significant kissing. Last night I got a "GW I'm trying" And I brought up hormones as a possible reason for lack of feeling/drive and she was very open/receptive to exploring that and possibly getting checked out. Lastly, today she is suggesting we go house hunting together at the end of the month.
It isn't all grand. It is still a roller coaster and last night while kissing, it ended with "I just can't do this"...however, it was ok to continue holding her till she fell asleep and she was ok with that.
After the first night of kissing, W told me she had to figure out how she felt about all this. Today, lots of positives, lots of touching and a few hugs here and there.
Sandi - any suggestions on how to approach getting checked out for hormone levels or know of any good resources to look up?
Last edited by gutwrenching; 04/12/1007:00 AM.
M39 W41 Two children WAW bomb dropped 11/7/09 Piecing Aug 10 - Nov 10 No longer piecing...Nov 10 Separation Jan 11 EA ends again Feb 11 Piecing attempt #2, Mar 11
GW, it sounds like there continues to be reason for optimism! Are you letting her pursue YOU a little? Flirt but don't be the one initiating affection all the time. Make her pursue you a bit. This is the time to turn the tap on and off so that she doesn't take your pursuing her for granted. Make sure that she is not the only one controlling how quickly things move forward.
me: 42 | STBXH: 41 | T: 18 | M: 10 | separation: Jan 3, 2010 | they deserve better: S7 & D4 current thread: http://tinyurl.com/3y8sxcp .: first breathe, then heal, then start LIVING :.
It sounds like she wants to try but with her low hormone levels, she can't "feel" anything. If she has had a hysterectomy she could eperiencing extreme lack of hormones.
As I have told before, it took me a while to stumble onto the right doctor b/c I really didn't know what to look for. My H had even bought me a book by Suzanne Somers on bioidentical hormone replacement therapy,but I thought it was just another movie star making a buck by writing a book. However, I did read it and that was sort of an introduction of information.
My advice would be for her to seek out a specialist who adminsters bioidentical hormones. I was a bit concerned about cancer risks, but after seeing the results, I will take those risks (b/c everything else is a cancer risk). I can't tell you what a mess I was in and what a difference it has made. My regular doctors did not do all the blood test that it requires until I went to the doctor who gave me the BHRT.That was when I found out I was just a shell of a person. No wonder I felt dead inside, b/c I was!
If she is open to finding a doctor, this is the time she needs to find one. You might look this subject up on the Internet for information. Maybe that would be a way of approaching her with what you found.
It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
Sandi- so did you have low testosterone levels? Sorry, I don't know your whole story. I have suspected this of myself, but I'm only 36 and tried test. cream once and it didn't seem to do much. but that was years ago. Any details you feel like sharing or could point me to on your own thread would be appreciated.
When the men on the chessboard Get up and tell you where to go; And you've just had some kind of mushroom And your mind is moving slow; Go ask Alice... I think she'll know.
Sandi - I really do think she wants to try. Last night, again she told me "I have been trying, I am trying" but..."I don't have any of those feelings."
Last night was a pullback and a little rebuilding of the wall. But this was after we decided to go house hunting together for our next move. I basically let her lead us to that decision. I had dropped the subject, she brought it up again, I stated the options, and she said lets go in a couple of weeks. I even offered to let her do it on her own, and she rejected that. So we are going to look for a place to live together...
However, after all this, I got the pullback/wall building. I also got told she is not comfortable with me helping her look into possible hormone issues. She was at first, but now she'd rather me not. So I guess I need to let that one go for a bit. Lately, if I just drop the subject when gets uncomfortable (or too much pressure) and completely ignore it for a few days...she will bring it back up. Just like the house hunting trip...
Flowmom - no I haven't. Basically, I guess I don't think she will pursue. She feels nothing so seems to have no desire to initiate, but "is trying" and is obviously making attempts when I initiate something. She also gave me a clue the other night when she said she didn't want me to be tentative.
M39 W41 Two children WAW bomb dropped 11/7/09 Piecing Aug 10 - Nov 10 No longer piecing...Nov 10 Separation Jan 11 EA ends again Feb 11 Piecing attempt #2, Mar 11
GW, She has told you what she wants, do you know what it is?
Do you know how to re-ignite the "spark"?
Stop talking about hormones. Hormone talks = pressure.
Get her to come after you. What is going to attract her to you?
She wants you to lead. Leaders are in control, confident and on a mission. Being a leader is attractive. Strong, decisive and fearless. You will go from spark to inferno in seconds. It works. You can handle it.
M22,H45,W45 S21/18D12 Retain faith that you will prevail in the end, regardless of the difficulties and at the same time confront the most brutal facts of your current reality, whatever they might be.
Sandi- so did you have low testosterone levels? Sorry, I don't know your whole story. I have suspected this of myself, but I'm only 36 and tried test. cream once and it didn't seem to do much. but that was years ago. Any details you feel like sharing or could point me to on your own thread would be appreciated.
Hi Alice, do you know that the doctor who gives me BHRT is the first Dr. who ever told me what my "sex" hormone leve was? He said it was as low as it could go.Yes, the testosterone was.....like "zero". When that happens to women (or men) there isn't any sex drive. I read that by the time a woman is 40 that her hormone levels have dropped by half of what it was in her 20's. Of course if the ovaries have been removed, then that is immediate menopause and you sure need HRT then. I am amazed at doctors for not discussing these things with patients. At least, I didn't have any to talk to me and therefore I went for too many years ignorant of what was happening to my body. I thought that must be what it was like to get older. But, my mother felt a lot better than I did!
Anyway, I have a "compoud" mixture that my doctor calls in for me. It is in a cream form, but it is a mixture of HR. If your sex drive has dwindled, please have your hormone levels checked. And, if your library has that book by Suzane Sommers,you should read it. She really isn't a ditzy blond....lol.
GW, many women seem to think if they no longer have a desire for their H that it must be due to emotions, but since learning about all of this, I believe it is confused with a physical problem that could be corrected. Females are emotional beings and I suppose we try to relate problems to emotions....especially in R's. The word is getting out there better now...about HRT.
I remember feeling like your W and my H had to be very careful how he approached me about seeing a doctor or trying some medicine b/c I just thought he wanted me to want sex. It puts the H is a bad situation. You probably need to drop the subject for now and just let her think about it. She may do some research of her own without saying anything to you.
It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
Sandi/Coach Thank you so much for your advice. All taken. I will not bring up seeing a doctor again. And Coach, I hear you, appreciate the encouragement...I am trying.
Love you typical, short, intense, spot on words...my new motto:She wants you to lead.
"Leaders are in control, confident and on a mission. Being a leader is attractive. Strong, decisive and fearless. You will go from spark to inferno in seconds. It works. You can handle it."
M39 W41 Two children WAW bomb dropped 11/7/09 Piecing Aug 10 - Nov 10 No longer piecing...Nov 10 Separation Jan 11 EA ends again Feb 11 Piecing attempt #2, Mar 11
But, at some point I hope your W can see there is more to the big picture... that is only one part of it.
And, now it gives you more time to keep working on you and making progress in the R.