My H completely shocked me and told me that he wanted a D 18 days ago. We’ve had some major ups and downs throughout our 17 year relationship (14 year marriage).
10 years ago while I was a stay at home Mom, he became extremely verbally abusive and violent. He wouldn’t hurt me physically but would put holes in walls, shatter glass tables, throw push mowers across the yard, etc. It seemed he was ticked that I didn’t have to work. I did EVERYTHING while all he had to do was go to work. A friend became concerned, a shoulder to cry on, and eventually a one month affair. My H kicked me out for two weeks. We worked things out and a year later moved to start anew.
Things were going perfect. Then 8 years ago, he got completely drunk and accused me of being unfaithful with the people we were hanging out with. I hadn’t been. He wouldn’t listen. He kicked me and our son out again. After a month of begging to come home and work things out and being told to find someone else, I did. Then we broke up and I found someone else. By this time, four months had passed and my H confessed that he didn’t mean all of the HORRIBLE things that he said and did from the very beginning and wanted me home. It took me nearly three more months to come back. Since then, I’ve been nothing but faithful. I don’t consider the last two OM as affairs as I was doing what I was told on the belief that my marriage was over. I’ve made sure for 8 years now that I do not hide ANYTHING from him. He knows where I’m at, what I’m doing, who I’m with, can read off of my texts, emails, etc. I hide nothing.
I’d gone back to work during our separation 8 years ago. I had a great job which I gave up at the request of his family in order to manage his F’s business. My H then started his own business 5 years ago. I managed both until 3 years ago when I focused on our business. I’ve worked from home managing it ever since.
We also have had a daughter since. She turned 5 this week. Things have been extremely tough for the last year. My H had a serious injury to his hand and has had multiple extensive surgeries. He still cannot do all the things he used to. We had 4 customer screw us out of $60K in 6 months time. We had to lay off our employees. He’s had to work solely has a sub for his F’s business. His F had been telling him for 6 months that he couldn’t afford to keep paying our company what he was. We can’t stand living in our neighborhood, want our children to grow up on acreage like we did, and feel that time is of the essence to move (our son is about to be 12). We didn’t have our boat last summer because we started redoing it the month that he injured his hand. It’s never been finished. It’s been a BAD, BAD year or so.
He and I did not let it affect our R. We were still putting aside time for the two of us. Our sex life was good. Six days before he told me that he wanted a D, he started acting mean and hateful out of the blue. I assumed that it was due to him having the worst Friday ever. He not only had to manage a bid for our business but manage his F’s business and his BIL’s business because his F was busy building a new boat and his BIL was on vacation. Also, his F felt the need to pick that day to tell him again that the check to our company would be drastically cut very soon. During the next 6 days, he slept mainly on the couch saying it was more comfortable than our bed (that’s been an on and off issue since his injury), he called me names, yelled at me in public, made extremely rude comments about me and things in our relationship to others, wouldn’t allow me to speak, etc., etc., etc. Each time that I asked what the problem was he’d say that it had nothing to do with me and that he had no issues with me.
The day before he told me, I wrote him a short note saying that I loved him, thanked him for the hours he was working, understood that this was why he’d been so moody, told him that I was sorry for anything that I might’ve said about his parents (even though he’d said the exact same), and that if whatever was going on was something different, he had to tell me before I could fix it.
Apparently, that letter was the final straw. He gave that note as the excuse to not wait until after our kids’ birthdays and to leave that night. I was told that he couldn’t name anything in particular that I’d done, it was just that he’s miserable living with me, he’s unhappy, he needs to find happiness and obviously can’t find it while with me, there’s nothing I can do, his mind is made up, he’s not working on our marriage, he’d said before that if he ever packed up again (he’d done so after arguments probably ten times in the last 8 years but never for more than a couple hours) it would be the final time and this is it. He wants each of us to remain friends with each other and each other’s families.
I realized that day that he’d been talking to a girl that he’s been friends with (more like family) since he was 4. The last time that he talked about marital problems was 2 ½ years ago when he was talking to her behind my back. He’s told me that they are only friends, that she’s supportive of whatever decision he makes although she doesn’t agree with divorce (her parents and she are divorced), that she doesn’t influence him and therefore she’s the only person that he intends to talk about this with. He stated that he would not speak to his family because they may influence him. Both of our parents have been married for approx. 40 years. Neither of us have siblings who are divorced. Oh! And per his phone records, he's been texting and calling some new girl for about 9 days now.
I don’t know what to do. I’m trying LRT and intend to try some 180’s. I’m scared to agree to sell our home to pay off all of our debt excluding my truck in order to reduce his stress because if he does D me, then I’ll have no home and he won’t be liable to provide that for me as he is now. (Our business closed one week after he left because he’s now on his parent’s payroll. I have no business to manage therefore I now have no job. I am looking.) I want to talk to an attorney to find out my legal rights should he go through with this. I DO NOT want a D but I feel that I need to get my ducks in a row in order to protect myself and my kids should it happen.
I’m scared and need advice. Do I give compliments when I see fit while do the LRT? In some ways, because I hold back sometimes, it could be a 180. Someone please tell me what to do. The only advice I can get from people I know is that I will be so much better off without him. They can tell me how to get a divorce, but now how to save my marraige.
