What flo posted from happy again sounds like what my H did. After the initial shock of him actually leaving (alhough I pushed him out the door, he wanted to stay till Cristmas), I calmed down. For me, it happened overnight. I was reading the secret and I felt there wasnt anything he could do to break us apart. I wrote to him an email saying just that and then I Dbed my @ss off.Never mentioned the D again and dropped the legale separation discussions. 1 month later I found this site. Dont misundestand me, after months of abuse (emotional) he left. I was devastated, all that eggshells walking, trying to be perfect, smoothering him, going to C etc etc, I realised I couldnt change the sitch and went nuts. I wished him dead, screamed and yelled. All the surpressed anxiety came out. I was crying all night for days. Lost 11 kilos (not pounds,kilos!).
My family said it's over , forget him. And then, as my bff says, I called her one morning and told her, "he isnt going anywhere, he is checking out the grass, he will be back". I had no idea it would take so long but at least that night I made the first step back to sanity.
H did just as it is decsribed here in the post flo quoted. He started coming over to pick up the kids and linger, was talking about common friends, showed interest in me and jealous of teh life we had with the kids. I dont think I called him more than 3-4 times all these months to talk about us, hardly even called him about the kids. He did the calling. I would send emails. I suggested he stayed for lunch and then he would stay everytime. I would be absent and he would fall asleep in our bed, he would treat my parents and family just like before, there were times it felt as he was coming back only to retreat back to his affair. I had no idea it was that serious but at that time I knew there was something else holding him away from us, something didnt add up.
As he confessed, he started lying to OW about how often he would spend time with ME and the kids. First summer he went alone with the kids for vacation, something bothered him. I was cool and happy.
I never asked (that I remember) where he went or what he did. I made some comments about the OW as if I knew they were together as a fact. He wouldnt reply or he would just deny it. I started asking for the divorce because he said he didnt know what he wanted and all the dealines I set were being ignored. He started calling to talk to me and ask about me. He started asking for favours, that I did for a while, Dbing, but then changed. He wanted away, he was on his own. I felt like his mom in a way. He didnt like it and got pissy a couple of times. I used the phrase "it's fine, we are fine now, lets stay friends and lets divorce so we can continue our lives"... He hated that.
In the menatime the OW was pushing. I think that's where she lost her chance. I was friendly, detached, independent, (and in love and happy)and she sounded miserable, complaining and pushing like I did before the separation. The kids were our connecting bond, were used to explain to her why he stayed with me for so many years and now were used to keep her away (he wouldnt even sleep with her during week nights and she had asked him in an email how so since the kids werent there).
I think for my H the OW was a deep love/emotional connection. It explains why it took him so long. I believe in most cases things arent like that. Which means easier to get over them.
Staying dark and polite and detached is the only way to go IMO. He stated what he wants, you respect that and do your won thing. And he better respect you and stop that BS with you and S. If he doesnt, you make him stop. That IS something YOU NEED to do.You have a life to rebuild and that is your goal. That is what he should see,IMO.
No crying, pleading, calling, reasoning etc etc. We all did that. It doesnt work, it pushes them away. The hardest part for me was to accept what I did, didnt affect him nor controlled him. Tough lesson to learn: "my rights were revoked" (not my license to kill though!! LOL).
