One other possibility about the house. Is it possible that your wife would be more open to talk to you if the house were at least on the market ASAP? Tonight may give you an opportunity to find out just how stressful this house is to her.
I don't remember where I read it, but financial security is WAY up there on the list of priorities for what makes them feel safe and protected by their husband. This house has the opportunity to provide you with a lot of insight on what your wife is FEELING. Use that opportunity and listen and when you do listen, throw your real estate knowledge in the closet for the time being. This is about how your wife FEELS.
GM, I hear you about the note. I would write it with only positive wording. I want to make it very clear to my W that I am owning up.
I agree, I cannot put the house above my W. My W actually had told me last summer that we should sell the house and move into an apartment for a while and then buy another house down the road. Again, she told me and I didn't listen. I would love to ask her if she would be open to renting a place together but I'm not sure now is the right time. After the house would go on the market she might be open to discuss that possibility as you stated in your post. When I talk to her tonight maybe I can find a way to mention the house being stressful and see what she says. Maybe getting her to open up about the house will open doors to more communication.
I hear you about giving advice to others and it's like you're giving it to yourself. I find myself doing the same sometimes. Hopefully it helps us all out with our sitchs. Reading and giving advice often times makes the light bulb turn on for me with my own sitch.
Two ears and one mouth for a reason...LOL, I like that GM!
M 38 WAW 36 Together 19 years Married 12 years Bomb/Separated Oct. 09 I love my wife Sitch
I am not in the prediction business, but I think you have a REAL opportunity to get your wife to open up. In my case, it was not a house that I didn't listen to my wife on, it was something else. But I told her I completely regretted my decision. I also let her know that I understood that the decision I made was more about what I wanted than having her best interests in mind.
I didn't ask her to forgive me right then and there, I just owned up to it. She needs time to decide my authenticity and in the meantime, I need to continue doing things to show I value her...unconditionally...no matter what she chooses.
One more thing after reading your last post. Living together is not the goal right now. Opening communication is the goal.
Even mentioning living together right now is pursuing. And when you do talk, listen to what SHE brings up, then you can ask her questions something like this.
"How does it make you feel when I do stuff like that"
Always, always ask about her. Do not tell her how you feel. Quite frankly how you feel doesn't matter for squat right now to her. Use this board to take out frustrations, but if you show frustration or anger toward her, she will most likely shut right back down. Same old, same old in her eyes.
I am pretty sure I've read much of your thread. It has helped me to learn how to listen and ask my WAW the questions that will help me be the husband she needs to be.
It has also helped me to know that there is not just automatically OM involved with a wife who walks.
A couple of months ago, I know there was no other option in her eyes except divorce. Though it has been filed, she has softened on that stance and I hope she withdraws it, but I know it's kind of a safety net for her while she decides if I am trustworthy.
I am pretty sure some of it has to do with the fact that I've really listened to her, owned up, and talked directly about decisions that I've made that I regretted because I now look at those decisions through the lens of her eyes.
Bridgestone, thank you for checking in. I want to read up on you sitch.
GM, thanks again for the good advice.
Ok, just talked with W for a half hour by phone. What a great conversation. I don't think I could have asked for more or it could have gone much better. We were both extremely friendly. I made her comfortable and wow, did she relax. We talked like we did when we were happy in our M. You wouldn't have even been able to tell that we are separated if you listened to this conversation. No R talk, just talked about house. I thanked her for taking care of the carpet and house cleaner. She went on about how she was happy with their price and the work they would do. I agreed with my W and it made her HAPPY! I valued her, I listened. I asked her what she wanted and she told me. We talked how we are going to work together to open the house for the cleaners.
We talked about selling the house. Here comes my 180...I agreed to sell it. I made my decision. Whew, it felt like a weight had been lifted off my shoulders. I came to the decision this morning. It's the right thing to do for my W and I. She was so happy. Truth be told, I am too. We can always buy another house.
GM, I tried your suggestion about asking her about the stress of the house. I jokingly said to her that hasn't this house been nothing but stress. She said, "Yes, it's been a huge stress". The way she said it conveyed that she was relieved to finally be selling it. She seemed to have felt so good when I asked her and she was able to say that. GM, thank you so much for that suggestion. I could tell it meant something to my W.
We talked about price and both agreed. She even agreed with me that we shouldn't give it away. I did ask her one more time if she was sure she didn't want me to list the house. If I list it we get to keep my commission. I didn't really want someone else selling it and giving away that commission. She said she was more comfortable with the other realtor. Her reasons were because of the time the realtor could devote to it. She didn't give any reasons of not wanting me to sell it because of our sitch. She would have mentioned this in the past. After she gave me her answer I let it go (didn't mention it again) and agreed with her to use the other realtor. I told her that I know she wants to list it this weekend but I really needed the weekend to finish the work. She asked if we could list it on Monday and I said yes, that sounds good to me. I told her that she could call the realtor and get the paperwork ready and we'll sign it Monday. The relief and happiness in her voice was clear. I bet she got off the phone and couldn't believe that conversation and how I was. I'm actually going to try to finish the work by the end of this week so we can list it this weekend and surprise her. That would make her happy and very surprised. Wow, 180s all over the place now.
We talked and joked about some other things at the end of the conversation. She didn't hurry to get off of the phone. I ended the call during a good moment. I wanted to end the call on a good note.
I wrote her a very short email owning up to things. I told her she was right about a lot of things. I haven't sent her the email yet. I might wait until tomorrow night to send it. I don't want her to think that just because we had a good conversation today that I am jumping at the chance to want more.
I'll post more later. I can't even remember everything from the conversation right now. I'm very happy with the conversation and she is happy. Maybe now we can get past this house once and for all and see where things go from here. Off to the gym now to burn off some of this energy.
M 38 WAW 36 Together 19 years Married 12 years Bomb/Separated Oct. 09 I love my wife Sitch
Think of this as a small start, but a great start. You did the right thing after asking her if she wanted you to list the house. She said no, so you agreed and moved on.
This may be a little hard for you to hear, but since I'm in cyberspace I can say it....I doubt that she completely trusts you right now when it comes to financial matters. It's better for you to have another realtor handle this and of course, more importantly, it's what SHE wanted.
You don't need to share this with her yet, but make some goals for yourself. Start a savings account if you don't have one, start getting your debts paid off if you have any. Be consistent with your employment. I said this in another forum, but most wives want financial security. You don't have to get wealthy, but they want to FEEL comfortable in that their husband will protect the nest financially. It will take a while.
If I were you, I'd write your thoughts on paper and just hang on to them for at least a few days. One mistake I think I made was asking her on a date when I thought things were going well. Ooops, she said no. It was hard for me to learn patience, so let me encourage you in that way. I thought since my wife and I had such a great discussion that everything was now OK, but it's not yet.
Love her. Trust her. Understand HER point of view, which is that she was fed up enough with what has been going on for years that she WANTED out.
If you do find out she's got OM, the only thing I can say is cross that bridge when/if you come to it. Hopefully you won't.
