WAS seeing reality?

[v1olin]

I hear ya glimmerman.

I got a text from wife after that last email response from me. She asked if I was available to talk on the phone. I said, "not right now, I have a deadline to meet. Send me an email and I will read it later."

She then responds with, "I did send an email but I am confused about the sudden sense of urgencey."


My response? "I just want it over with."

[Glimmerman]

So which is it? Do you want it over with, or do you have hope? Those are two different answers and you have given both of them.

If you have hope, stop fighting WITH your wife. It's never too late.

[v1olin]

I am not fighting with my wife. I am giving her what she wanted. I HAVE fought for her all this time. How would you suggest doing that so that she will actually want it? I have been on this site for almost a year.

[Glimmerman]

I am a newcomer, so I am not trying to invade your situation in any way. Truthfully, I've had some of the same thoughts in my situation in that there are days where I think I wish it were done....but I know deep down I don't really think that way and really want my M.

I am saying this because I see the same internal thing going on with you in just a couple of posts. The whole "I have hope" and "I'm done" internal debate. I hate feeling that way myself.

I also don't have any indication of OM like I think you do (or did).

I just believe through my C and other people who have advised me that being adversarial with my wife is not the way to go. If I would find out my wife has OM in picture, perhaps that would change, so let me be honest about that. That would trigger emotions I have not experienced at this time.

Here are some questions for you to consider whether or not you know the answer to through the lens of how your wife feels.

How EXACTLY does your wife FEEL about your income discrepancy? This is a big deal to a wife, and I would encourage you to have that discussion if timing is good. Be prepared to listen to her and not get defensive.

Your wife's love language may be acts of service, I don't know, but if the opporunity presents itself, find out for sure. There is a book about the five love languages that has short questionairres in it for each spouse.

However, when it comes to stuff like mowing the yard or changing oil in a vehicle, your wife may thank you, but don't expect praise. It may be part of her normal expectations of you, just like you have normal expecations of her that you have not praised her for.

Find out how motivated SHE thinks you are. For instance, how does she feel about giving up half her pension to you? I know you may be entitled to it by law. She may be ready to "buy you out to get rid of you". I guess it comes down to this...do you CARE how she feels. If you do, she will talk if you let her.

You wrote in your last post that you HAVE fought for her all this time. I had similar thoughts. However, that statement is completely through YOUR eyes and NOT HERS. I thought I was a great husband until my wife revealed to me what a great husband was to her. It opened my eyes.

[v1olin]

I know from past conversations that my lack of ambition was a big turn off for her. I am changing that as fast as I can and I am taking charge of my life for me. If she noticed,cool. If not then that's cool too. The last time I initiated a talk and I told her that I was willing to listen she shut me down. She shuts me down every time. When she tells me that she is "tired" or her "eyes are red" I do think she is trying to get me to talk to her, care for her, etc. I do care for her. I do love her but I don't think she can change. She is ALL about HERSELF and her JOB.


She is involved in an EA with a married man. She continues to be "love sick" over him and in the meantime she shows no signs of missing me at all. The things that you are saying here seem to be pursuing to me and contradicts DB technique. I am letting her go, letting her free from me. If she wants to talk I will be open to listen.

[Glimmerman]

The EA with the OM can change everything from what I understand. I can't say for certain that my wife does not have EA, but my C and others have told me that it can't stay hidden all that long and it's been a few months so I am hopeful there is not.

I know you told her that you were willing to listen to her, but that's YOU initiating R talk, which is against DB technique. You know your wife better than most anyone.

This may be pursuing, so don't do it if you don't feel comfortable. However, I read all the time on this board about how people say "oops, made a mistake by doing that", but DB does say to experiment and monitor results.

Here's an example of how I did that. My wife told me something I did that bothered her. It was a small thing in MY eyes, but I asked her two simple questions that got her talking for about 15 minutes. First I asked her "How did it make you feel when I did that?" I let her talk. Then I asked "How often did I do that?". I let her talk.

She initiated it, but I asked her questions to keep it going. Not overboard and I listened. Some stuff she said made my want to yell right back and her, but I did not. Later, I wrote a brief note to her that I understood where she was coming from and owned up to what I did. I completely owned up and put zero blame on her. If you put any blame on her right now, even though it takes two to tango, you won't get anywhere. She needs to be heard first.

Again, if there were an OM in my sitch, not sure what I'd do.

[v1olin]

Hmm, I did own up to my part in it all but when I busted her little EA she would not own up to the fact that the EA damaged our marriage. Absolute zero remorse, resposibility, or AKNOWLEDGEMENT of an EA.

[Glimmerman]

My guess is you are not in a place where she is going to own up to anything. I understand you have to decide if you can handle that for now. If you are hopeful for your M, it may mean forgiveness from you toward her without her acknowledgement of anything.

My wife actually told me that she felt at times like she was dragging dead weight. Did it piss me off? Sure. But I listened and did not get upset.

Your wife probably FEELS like she's done nothing wrong. An EA is absolutely wrong, but to her it didn't feel wrong, it felt good. My advice to you is to ask yourself how she got to the point where she did not FEEL comfortable emotionally with you. I've had to ask myself that same question regarding my wife.

Here's what your last post said...

I...., but she.....

If you are going to even consider forgiving her, which WILL change the way you relate toward her, you'll have to take out the ", but she". Forgiving her is for you, and it will change the way you see her.

When you say, "but she", your still fighting with her.

[v1olin]

I know, I still blame her for the EA. But how the heck do I get her to TALK to me without chasing her away? The fact is that she shows no signs at all of wanting anything from me but co-parenting.

[Glimmerman]

Probably because today that's all she does want. You will have to really pay attention for opportunities.

Here's another example from my sitch. I called W to ask her to do something and she did not call back for about two hours. Turned out to be a rough day at work for her. So I asked her what happened.

Now in my case, I know most of her coworkers, and you may not know your wife's coworkers. I said "yes, ol' so and so can be like that sometimes. I remember last time ol' so and so caused you a problem"

My wife then went on to talk about it for about 15 minutes, then said "I'm sorry, I'm talking your ear off". I told her it was OK and that I'm sorry her day was rough. I told her not to worry, perhaps we could do something another time and said goodbye.

You will be able to do something with your wife again, you've got kids!

My point is this. The way to reach her emotionally right now is probably NOT with your relationship. She probably is sick of that right now just like you are.

Find something else that is frustrating her. Maybe work, maybe a family member. It doesn't have to be R talk to start an emotional connection with your wife. It will take time.

Be there FOR her.

I'm guessing all she sees right now is a husband who's trying to get half her pension when she FEELS she got herself to where she is.

I'd recommend you do several things at once.
1) Increase your income
2) Look for SMALL opportunities to talk about things that bother her OTHER than your R.
3) Don't look to her to go 50/50 with you on your R right now. Maybe your wife FEELS like mine, which is she's been pulling dead weight for years.

Be patient and care about her.