Doing hard time on the MLC chain gang.

[Cadet]

Patience has been the key so far and really just putting my W completely out of my mind and filling my life with my kids, my house, my job and my friends. I wish I could say that I have followed the DB playbook page by page but I have not all I can say is that when I back way off and stay friendly things get better. Not exactly sage advice but it is working in my sitch.

Why is this not in the DB playbook?

Its sounds like it is to me!!

[MHL]

OP,
That part, the patience that is, has been in the playbook. However has been alot that has happened in my sitch that was not in the playbook and it has had a positive affect, but all situations are different and all players are different.

[trustingfaith]

I hope your evening goes well! It sounds like you are in a good place.

[MHL]

Had a preety good evening on Friday. Met my W at the spot where we normally pick-up and drop-off my S9. She looked good and made sure I was dressed to impress also. We were supposed to go buy Easter basket stuff for the kids and go get something to eat and then whatever.

At my suggestion, we totaly blew off the shopping for the Easter basket stuff and went straight out to eat. The whole evening could not have been more perfect. We totally skipped talking about the separation agreement, the conversation was light and fun, I made jokes, she laughed. I complimented her hair, she smiled. We talked about the past good times and both smiled!!! She remembered the good times!!!

We left the restuarant and went to a local bar/club had more drinks, there was hand holding, playing with her hair, and a kiss on the cheek!! She was enjoying the attention and I was trying to make it "fun", anytime I felt it getting serious I threw in a joke for a laugh. Time to leave the bar and walking to the car I put my arm around her and she put her arm around my waist, the things we take for granted.....when you have not had that kind of contact in a long time you come to appreciate it even more.

In the car on the way back, I reached for her hand and she held my hand back, interlocked fingers. I did not push anything else otherthan a shared embrace when we got back to her car. There was not any kissing but I don't mind. I know she had a good time. As soon as we parted I called on the cell and we talked for 15 minutes more as I drove home both of us laughing and joking around the whole time.

More to post about Saturday and Easter Sunday but time to get home to the kids.

[Cie la vie]

MHL,

Good to hear that things continue to move in a positive direction for you. More good news the better for all. Keep us posted and continue best wishes on the sitch.

putting my W completely out of my mind and filling my life with my kids, my house, my job and my friends

I can't say my W has been completely out of my mind but I have followed a similiar script. It's been good for me but it hasn't changed anything on the R front yet.

[MHL]

CLV,
Thanks for the encouragement, I should actually have time today to be on the boards for sometime. I will drop down and check things out. Time and Patience is key in all this mess, can't stress that enough.

On Saturday after our Friday night "date", My D13 and myself went out to the Dept. Store where my W works part time and bought some shoes for D13 to wear to church. D13 still will not see nor talk to my W. My W did not know we were coming out and when she saw me her face lit up and I got a big smile. They were busy and I said I would talk to her later after she got off work. We did speak but she did go back in the "tunnel" slightly when we were talking but I expected it. Still this part is hard b/c you can not help but get your feelings involved.

I felt a little pain on Saturday night as I was getting the kids Easter Baskets ready for the next morning. It passed within 20 minutes, it let me know I still care. I have been detatched for quite a while and have felt indifferent for over a month. Bitter/sweet in a way, I realized that my feelings for her are still there just below the surface and that they still can be tapped into, just now I know how to handle these feelings.

More to come about Sunday and brunch with her and then last night, the positives in my sitch keep coming more in my next post.

[MHL]

Just journaling here,

Sunday, my kids and I got up and did the Easter Bunny thing and skipped first service at church to which we normally go and went to second instead. My W goes to second service. D13 wanted to go to her youth group instead of the worship service, well about a minute after my D13 left in walks my W and she sat with me and my S9 for Easter Sunday Service. While it was not planned by her she did choose to sit with us. After the service we all walked out together and friends from church who had not spoke to my W in months started coming up to say hello.

I think this is important b/c we as the LBS have to make the road back an easy one to travel for the MLC/WAS. I am hoping that she understands that friends and family will accept her back if I do and that they will follow my lead as will my D13.

After church I took the kids home and my W and I met for Easter Lunch and to discuss the differences I had on the Legal Separation agreement. This did not go over so well and while there was no fighting or anything, the magic of Friday night was not present.

Last night, Monday, my W was supposed to come over after work to pick up S9 to go home with her to spend the night. We had spoken earlier in the day and she said she had been crying all day because of the discussion about the sep agreement on Sunday. We agreed to talk a little when she came to pick up S9. We sat in garage and had a beer for 1.5 hours talking, it was good but still she does not want to work on the M yet. It was late and she had not eaten and neither had the children. So I asked D13 if she minded eating dinner upstairs while Mom came in and ate. (D13 was very mature and said no problem). My W came in and I was able to whip up a great dinner for all of us in a matter of 30 minutes, this is one of my big changes I was able to demonstrate to her. My cooking skills were non existant before and was one of her marital complaints. After dinner my W and I went on the back patio and talked some more, she was there until 10 pm. No hugs or kisses but she wanted me to walk her out to the car. It was a great evening IMO.

Just watching and waiting now looking for more positives. It has taken 9 months and alot of mistakes on my part to get here. Still I get impatient but not like I used to and I never give up any progress I have made.

[ericmsant2]

Missher -

Although your latest post did not have as much of the positive it looks like things are at least moving in the postive direction. I am happy for you.

I think this is important b/c we as the LBS have to make the road back an easy one to travel for the MLC/WAS.

Thank you for this quote.

it was good but still she does not want to work on the M yet.

Did you bring up the R talk or did she? Personally the word "yet" implies that she has not fully made up her mind, which is a good thing.

It has taken 9 months and alot of mistakes on my part to get here.

This give ME hope dude. I;ve been at this for 6 months and have made ...

alot of mistakes on my part to get here. Still I get impatient but not like I used to and I never give up any progress I have made.

Good luck buddy I'm pulling for you.

God Bless,
Eric

[MHL]

Eric,
I can tell you this, every sitch is different, but at 6 months there was progress and I totally messed it up. and all you do is set yourself back in your timeline.

Hell, my W even said this one time, "Things will go great for about 2 weeks and then you say something, that makes me think you will never change". Looking back I can see that I was on a cycle, and I did that for 6 or 7 weeks where I would make some progress and then say something. I have a fellow DBer that lives around the corner from me even tell me (2X4 to the head, thanks Kemper) I was on this cycle.

It is almost harder when you start seeing positive changes in you spouse and you want more positive changes as opposed to when they are being mean and nasty to you or even having an open, in your face affair. IMO we all no how to handle the negative behavior but we all of a sudden get stupid when there is something positive in our sitches.

[ericmsant2]

Missher

Funny, lately W has been somewhat "pleaseant", which is my way of saying she at least says "hi" or "have a good day". I have been so focused on detaching that I look at these interactions as just that "basic interactions". My expectations at this point are ZERO. I am leaving her alone, being the best parent I can be and that is IT.

I totally messed it up. and all you do is set yourself back in your timeline.

I can relate. A few weeks ago I confronted about OM - it was bad real bad. I was not prepared and blew up so trust me I can relate.

Hell, my W even said this one time, "Things will go great for about 2 weeks and then you say something, that makes me think you will never change".

Mine has told everyone that I am still too controlling (this after the confrontation). Guess what she may be right..had I not snooped and found the phone I would not have confronted. I am now working very hard to detach...detach...detach...

we all of a sudden get stupid when there is something positive in our sitches.

Funny I am not sure how I am going to deal with any positives. I'm not even sure that I would recognize them. I am so focused on detaching that anything she says would be taken with a grain of salt.

God Bless,
Eric