WAW still around, DBing starting to work

[gutwrenching]

Long update, because we had the “talk” last night…about 90 minutes or so. This was the talk about where are we at, where do we go from here with the upcoming move.

For those that want the readers digest version, here it is: we still have to talk a little more, but neither of us think the right thing to do is to S while we are moving. My mid-range goal all along has been to stay together when we move, so I have to be pleased about this development, even if I’d like a little more.

Talk was calm, honest. I validated a ton, used phrases like I am sorry you feel that way but understand how you got there and I understand how you would see things like that… Established some boundaries on the move and future events.

Some of the key discussion points:
I was able to convey the message that we would not be best friends if we D. She said we have to be because of the girls. I said no, we can be friendly and cordial but I won’t be there for you, we won’t share our days, we won’t bounce everything off of each other. We would have to move on with our lives. I told her I would miss my best friend. She said she would miss all that too.

We talked a lot about the physical connection (well, the lack of a physical connection right now). She says she has no drive or desire. And although she always wanted and needed the physical before, she doesn’t right now. That one is interesting if it is true. I would say Physical Touch was her primary LL…could it really have changed?

She said over and over that there is no spark, and without a spark, there is no desire for physical anything. She said the hugs were nice every once in a while, but not always and she doesn’t feel she needs them. I used the sorry you feel that way more than once and encouraged that we have to find this and we can. She is not so sure we can. I said something like I can’t make you be attracted to me and she said its not about attraction, it is about the spark.

She did tell me that I have changed, she can see that. But she doesn’t know how to get the spark, and she said she still didn’t know if she had it in her. She had tried so many times in the past. And she says we haven’t gone anywhere and its been 5 months. I nicely said it hasn’t been 5 months. I said for the longest time you hated me. She said hate was too strong of a word, she was angry. I said nothing. Then she said yes I used the word hate, I am sorry I did. And I told her I spent a bunch of time in these last months figuring out me, not really working on us.

She then asked me why was I the way I was in the past in our M. So I opened up and was honest. I let her in...probably deeper than I ever have about anything in the past. Told her about what I had learned about why I acted/reacted the way I did and how I know better now, never again. Let her know it was difficult for me to tell her all this and embarassing. She then basically validated my feelings on this.

She told me that what we are doing now is exhausting...that we can’t go on like this forever. I agreed (and I do), I said it is exhausting but any option is going to difficult and exhausting. Working on M, S, or D will all be difficult and exhausting at this point. I told her I have had times where I felt like giving up on the M/R. That surprised her. She asked what would make me give up on the M; I said I don’t know and not sure if I did know if I would tell you. She said is that because you are afraid I would use that info to drive you away. I said yes. She said to me that she would never do that to me. I just said that is good to hear. She asked if I had someone else in-mind already if we were to split. I said no, who in the world could that be. She said someone you met on line maybe. I just said no, not all and then asked her the same question. She said no, she just figures if we D that she will be alone.

She did tell me she doesn’t know what happened when I left on my trip and she had the flood of feelings and emotions about me leaving and was crying. And that she hasn’t felt any of that since…

We also talked about the move. She said the easiest thing to do is move together, find a place to live together and then see. Said there will be enough stress on the kids, we don’t need to create more. Maybe 6 or 12 months down the road, one of us moves somewhere close by, maybe even a duplex or something next door or across the street.

Here I set a boundary. I was willing to move together on the premise of lets see where things go, but I would not move with a set plan in mind to S in 6 or 12 months and that I would not live that close if we D…again we would need to move on with our lives.

She said the kids and the security I bring are the reasons she is staying right now, but she doesn’t know if those are good enough reasons to stay and that there has to be more. I validated her feelings. I said that for now, that is a good enough reason to stay but yes we have to take the next step forward at some point. We cannot go on like this forever. But it will take both of us, I can’t get us to the next step by myself.

What I didn’t hear this time: W never used the phrase “emotional bond” which is a first in any kind of serious conversation. Maybe that was because we talked so much about the physical connection we are missing right now. W never used the phrase “I don’t know if I can get to place where I am willing to try”…that is a phrase she has used every time. The message was still there kind of, because of feeling no spark and not thinking we can get a spark. W also never said she is trying or willing to try…and I know Sandi, the LBH always wants to hear that but often won’t. So I won’t be disappointed. She also never came out and said she isn’t trying….which is another thing I normally have gotten.