thanks, OTM. it was very hard, when i wanted to yell and cry and fight back. i calmly stood my ground, validated her feelings, and said i wasn't going to carry the conversation further if she was going to continue to say such hurtful things. i think the book i'm reading on buddhism is helping me think things through and be a bit more mindful and have more control over my responses.
of course none of this changes anything between my H and i. the shortness of his replies yesterday felt like a punch in the gut. he's just distancing himself from me at this point. he told me a few weeks ago that his IC noted that he seemed to continue to push me away, the one person he could always count on to love him and be there for him...i guess now he's decided he already burned that bridge and there's no going back.
Me30 H29 M2.5 T5 H moved out 1/23/2010 H wants signed agreement 3/30/2010 ...feeling hopeless
I don't know why I keep thinking about you getting a session with his IC if you think he can not explain what is going on. Of course, privacy will always be maintained, but having the IC know what you are thinking might allow the IC to privately talk it over in one session with your H.
Does that make sense...didn't sleep well last night so everything seems a jumble!
he's already let me know that, although he's broken hearted about it, he doesn't see us being together in the future and for that reason, doesn't feel it would be in our best interest to pursue counseling together. i can't force him into it, and i've already let him know i'm willing, but if he's not...not much i can do about that. i could ask for one session for the sake of closure, but, i don't even know if he'd be open for that or what good it would even do. he is so far gone at this point...
he hasn't asked me about the agreement again since he sent it to me last week. i am not making any moves right now, that is for sure.
Me30 H29 M2.5 T5 H moved out 1/23/2010 H wants signed agreement 3/30/2010 ...feeling hopeless
It's funny when I think about his short replies. IF he was GAL, wouldn't people tell him to make short replies, focus on content, etc?
I'm sure that doesn't make it feel any better...
It seems good that you're not rushing the agreement so you can clear your thoughts and nothing becomes "legal" too quickly (giving him time to reconsider). Why rush it, anyhow?
Quote:
i could ask for one session for the sake of closure, but, i don't even know if he'd be open for that or what good it would even do. he is so far gone at this point...
Would it hurt to try? You can give him more time, but so far, that seems to be hurting. He had time to reconsidering moving, but he did. He had time to reconsider MC, and that led to him pulling back.
What could happen if you asked? He may say, "I don't ever want to do that again, even for you." OR "Why bother" OR "OK, but I'm afraid of the past hurting my progress now" OR many other things.
But what could happen if you didn't ask? He may say, "She got the point that I'm moving on...good for her" OR "I miss her, but I've screwed up too much and she'll never really forgive" OR "Why didn't she demand it? I must have been an as." OR again, many other things.
Going through the options, and knowing many others could happen, I would ask yourself again, what is the harm in demanding or asking? If he'd give you just one weekend for Retrouvaille, I really think it would turn him around. He's a creative guy, many variations can happen.
Think back, didn't you ever get him to do something he was set against? He has the right to reject anything. But if your own hurt casts you into a shell of self-protection and giving up, you would never know if there was some hope.
As an ADHD man, I think demanding it like, "If you don't" will be hard to take. But, "Please, I'm telling you to remember one good time and give me a chance - I am not desperate, but I do love you very much and I am sure we can be very, very happy if we live, work, and play together" or any variation. YES, it is "begging" and "pursuing". But so far, distancing hasn't helped, has it?
distancing really hasn't helped. my H was much more receptive when we were in closer contact with one another, but even the kind words i've sent his way as of lately have only been met with short replies. i think his distance is a coping mechanism, his way of healing and accepting this is over. more time and distance will only widen the gap between us now.
i could certainly ask him about a retro weekend or a counseling session or two. maybe it would turn things around and you're right, the worst he could do is say no. but i feel like he already knows where i stand. i've already told him that i forgive him and that i do not think poorly of him. i've told him that we could try counseling and see where it leads. i've wiped away his tears and told him i love him and that i'm so sorry for the hurt i've caused him.
i would never demand that chance from him...but sitting back and waiting for him to come to me has been ineffective so far.
Me30 H29 M2.5 T5 H moved out 1/23/2010 H wants signed agreement 3/30/2010 ...feeling hopeless
went to early birthday dinner at my mom and dad's last night. no one even mentioned my H (sans some very brief talk with my dad regarding my separation agreement), and his absence in the chair next to me at the table was painfully distracting. i laughed with my family and my mom gave me a beautiful diamond ring that belonged to her and also she had an onyx ring of my grandmother's repaired for me, so that was quite the surprise. i have to wonder if anyone in my H's family will even so much as send a card or a text/email on friday for my 30th. i know i can't let that bother me or concern me...but i haven't seen or spoken to any of them since december, and it's bad enough losing your H without losing his whole family, too.
anyway, we had a nice dinner and as always, i'm totally fine until i go home to an empty house. that's when it hits me and i usually end up in a pile on the floor and there's no stopping the tears.
forced myself out of bed early today and did a 2 and a half mile run around the capitol...nice start to the day. just wish i could run fast and far enough to fill the void in my heart.
Me30 H29 M2.5 T5 H moved out 1/23/2010 H wants signed agreement 3/30/2010 ...feeling hopeless
It's true that you can't make someone do anything (i.e. MC).
Are you doing IC?
Originally Posted By: trytryagain
forced myself out of bed early today and did a 2 and a half mile run around the capitol...nice start to the day. just wish i could run fast and far enough to fill the void in my heart.
Aww. Keep your head up. Exercising is definitely a great way to relieve dress.
thanks, soleil. i am in IC, i have an appt on friday. my H is also in IC, but i can't understand why she's not urging him to at least try one MC session. i can only assume she's one of those "your marriage is so screwed don't even bother" types.
Me30 H29 M2.5 T5 H moved out 1/23/2010 H wants signed agreement 3/30/2010 ...feeling hopeless
holy crap. i just got an email from my H that he just quit his job. he said it wouldn't affect the monthly payments he owes me, but that REALLY freaks me out. i will be up the flippin CREEK without those payments.
and i'm really worried about him that he hated his job enough to quit like that without something else lined up. he NEVER would have done that when we were still "together."
any thoughts on how i should respond to his news???
Me30 H29 M2.5 T5 H moved out 1/23/2010 H wants signed agreement 3/30/2010 ...feeling hopeless
Tell him you are glad to hear it won't affect monthly payments. Save the text for future referenced/document what he's stated. Keep it light and nothing emotional.
As for his therapist, could be he's told them he does not want to do MC. They are paid to sit and listen objectively. Don't think too much into it.
