Hi. Sadly, my H left 18 days ago. Since leaving, he has said quite a few times, including in front of our children while extremely angry when I didn’t give in to having an argument, that he’s never coming back. He told me in front of them that he doesn’t want me and that I need to move no and find someone else. He yelled that if I didn’t sell our home, he would do so himself.
I've read The Divorce Remedy. I feel as though time is running out and I’ve got to find all the answers ASAP. Although I gained lots of knowledge from the book, I’m still a little confused on what to do. It seems the topics of dealing with a depressed spouse as well as a spouse in mid-life crisis fit my H to a tee.
We have two children. Sunday was not only Easter but our youngest child’s birthday. They went with their father Friday through Sunday. This was the first time in my children’s lives that I wasn’t there when they woke on a holiday. I’m not sure why this is happening to my family. I have guesses but all that he’s said is that he’s unhappy with everything about his life and it’s my fault. He says that with me out of his life, he will be able to be happy again. Per the book and due to the fact that my H is not here and he has said that he wants a divorce and I believe him, it seems that I should try to the last resort technique. With this last resort technique, I’m not sure if I should compliment him when one is warranted. (Like telling him Happy Easter, that he looked nice that day, or that his eyes looked really pretty last night.) It has been very hard to be around him. Every single dream at night is about either me and him or our family doing things together. He’s been coming to all of our children’s practices. Not much is said but he’s around at least two nights a week for an hour or so. When idle chit chat is had, it leads to him saying things like “Oh. Forget about checking on lower health insur because it’s not gonna happen. I can’t afford to pay for it for any of us.” Or he’ll say “So what night do you want to get together and talk about money?” (He’s got his mind made up that we should sell our house. On one hand, we’ve talked about it prior to this and so it’s not something new. The new part is that he wants to sell it so that he can get a place of his own. My children, three dogs, and I would then have to share two bedrooms at my parents’ house. That’s what would happen. My oldest tells me that he doesn’t want to move unless it’s all four of us together. I’ve told my H that it’s too soon. He left less than three weeks ago and is now wanting to put a for sale in the yard. It’s all too fast for me and I know it is too fast for our children. He says that we should get everything over with ASAP so that they can begin to recover. With his depression, I have thought that if we were to sell, it may reduce some of his stress possibly helping our marriage. Then I think, well if he gets happier while he’s gone, that’s not gonna help our marriage. I also then think that because he is the one who left, if he does go through with the divorce, he supposed to have to keep me and our children in the state of life that we were living in (a home, health insur, etc.) and if I agree to sell our house, then I won’t be protecting myself and my children. I’m so confused. I don’t know what to do.
I’m doing the last resort technique. Do I give compliments? Do I agree to sell our house? I will try to talk to an attorney for advice only prior to him forcing me to talk with him about money but I know that they’re interested in divorce rather than saving marriages.
A little history...
We met 17 years ago. We were best friends. We married 14 years ago. Around 2000, I became a stay at home mom which caused major battles. Although I literally did everything (and I do mean everything—the yard work, housework, bills, errands, car maintenance, replaced all the flooring, etc.) so that all he had to do was work, he came home all the time with the attitude that I wasn't contributing enough to the household. I've always assumed that he meant financially. I did clean houses for extra money. He began to be extremely emotionally abusive. He also got violent (not towards me but would damage all kinds of things). A friend became very concerned and while being my shoulder, admitted that he was in love with me. I initially laughed it off and told him he was crazy. One day, I gave in. It lasted for almost a month before my H got suspicious and I couldn't take the guilt anymore. I confessed. We tried working things out and a year later, in 2000, he kicked me out with my toddler child. He told me that he just couldn't forgive me. He filed for D. 2 weeks later, he begged me to come home. We had our ups and downs and moved to start anew. After about a year and a half, things finally seemed to be going perfectly. My perception was that we were finally “in love” again like we were when we were dating. I remember telling everyone all the time how great we were doing. I was so happy.
One drunken night in 2002, he assumed that I’d done things (things that he’d asked me to do many times over the 6 years prior but afterwards, we both regretted happening) while he was sleeping. He awoke, drove from our friends’ home to get our child from my parents’ house, told them all kinds of lies about what I’d been doing, and drove around with our child for hours. Eventually he ended up back at our house. Things went really bad when he refused to let me in telling me that he wanted a divorce, called me names, and refused to let me see our child. He and the friend (who drove me home once we found out my H was there) began a shoving match and a fight ensued. I was able to leave with my child after he told me that he never wanted to see me again.
I begged and pleaded to talk things out and get him to realize that his assumptions were not true and to let me come home so that we could work things out. After nearly two months of him telling me that I disgusted him and that he never wanted me back and to find someone else, I did. When that relationship ended, I began to hang out with someone else and that turned into more than just friendship. Around the time that I began to see the second person, my H confessed that he’d said all of those things to me out of anger and had regretted it ever since and just wanted me back. By this time, I was a severe emotional wreck. I didn’t know which way was up and which was down. A family member finally got in my face and told me to go home. I don’t know that I would have come back home had that person not demanded me to do so. Thank God he did! That was 8 years ago. During the last 8 years, I’ve had it thrown back in my face SO many times that I cheated. He has never forgiven me. He does not believe that I wasn’t seeing the first person before the night he kicked me out. I’ve spent 8 years doing everything I can to prove to him that I regret the things I did and prove to him that it will never happen again. During our last 8 years, we’ve had a second child and I’ve continued working. (I went back to work after being a stay at home mom for 5 yrs when we separated 8 years ago. I had a great PT job with FT pay and benefits w/o having to pay daycare until his family member became seriously ill, asked me to quit my job and manage their family business. From there, my H was forced from the family business to start his own business. I managed both until my H insisted I focus entirely on our business.) While working for our business from home, I’ve continued to do the vast majority of our responsibilities while all he’s had to do is go to work. (Again, I’ve taken care of the yard work, the housework, the kids, the homework, the extracurricular activities, the finances, vehicle maintenance, completely remodeled our bedroom and bathroom, etc.)
Let’s see how quickly I can further sum up the details of that last paragraph…
My FIL has been in business for nearly 40 years. That trade is the only trade my H knows. My FIL only taught my H the labor part of the business, not how to run it, etc. Surprisingly to most, rather than teach his own son how to do everything, he taught my H’s BIL instead. When the BIL went out on his own, he immediately was successful and still is. My H was not. We were thrown in the water and then told to figure out how to swim on our own. In this process, we hired two helpers, had to lay them off when we had customers give many excuses not to pay a total of more than $50K in 4 months time regardless of the excellent work they received (we’re still owed more than $20K of that after two years of not being able to afford an attorney to sue them and time has now run out to file suit—one felt that he’d already paid one contractor even though we had to fix the first one’s work and therefore shouldn’t have to pay again, another had someone steal all of his money, and another is just simply immoral), my H had to end up having our only customer be his F’s business (he worked as a sub for his F for 2 yrs), although he was paying our business well, it wasn’t enough to attack any debt built by the business but instead float us along, my H was permanently injured a year ago and therefore is unable to do all that he used to do at work, and with knowing only this trade, he is sure that no one will hire him and if they do, it will be a huge cut in pay. His F had been telling him for over a year that he couldn’t afford to keep paying him what he was paying him. That time came one week after my H left. My H is now on his F’s payroll and therefore we have no customers. No customer=no income to business=no paycheck to us from our company anymore=I’m unemployed=money is extremely tight. We now earn half of what we were and have the same debt.
As far as how I’ve tried to prove that I’ve changed. I work, or did, work from home, when I leave, I call him and tell him where I’m at so that there are no questions or insecurities. I make sure to make time for us without the kids to keep our relationship alive (dinners out, concerts, weekends away, etc.). I am again doing EVERYTHING while he only needs to go to work. He has all of my usernames and passwords to everything (except this site). I never delete calls or texts from my phone. Basically, I hide NOTHING. He knows without a doubt where I am, what I’m doing, can see what I did, etc. 24/7. I’ve apologized countless times to him, my family, and his family for what I did and assure them all that it’ll never happen again and that I am 100% devoted to my family, my marriage, and my children.
So what happened?...
We have both been severely stressed about several things. What to do with getting our unpaid customers to pay, whether I should wait until our youngest starts kindergarten in August for me to go back to work, we began redoing our boat a year ago (the month that he was injured) and were hoping to have it finished so that we could have our usual fun times in the summer this year after losing out on last year, we’ve been trying to save up to bring our kids to Disney for their birthdays (which are both this month—I know! Great timing!), we’ve been trying to figure out what my H should do when the time came that his F cut our business off financially, he’s now had multiple surgeries and his injury hasn’t improved much, he’s gained a good bit of weight since the injury, we’ve also been trying to find property (we both grew up on acreage on the outskirts of city limits and desperately want our children to have those experiences instead of subdivision life) and feel that time is running out because our oldest isn’t a small child anymore. The anniversary of my H’s best friend’s death passed a little over a month ago which was very hard for him. It’s just been a HORRIBLE year! When it rains, it pours. Health problems, money problems, employment problems, responsibilities to kids getting put on the back burner, etc. So much all at once snowballing. Oh! And I had what I thought was a friend call my H in January to get revenge for my deleting her as a facebook friend and bring up all of the things that she knew was never to be mentioned to my H. She posted picks of one of the past OM on her page and in order to avoid my H seeing them and the past being brought up again, I deleted her facebook friendship. This was a friend of 32 years. I haven’t spoken to her since and do not intend to ever. She tried to ruin my marriage and I wonder now, if her call played a role in this separation. (When I asked him about her call to him, he told me that in went in one ear and out the other because he knew that she was just trying to start trouble. I believed him and things seemed fine until March 13th.)
I’m a fighter and a solution seeker. My H has always had someone take care of him. When problems arise, be it financial, some type of vehicle or home maintenance, decisions about daily life, even making doctor’s appointments for the longest time, he’s always had someone (whether it be me, his parents, my parents, or my brothers) fix his problems for him. He’s never truly had to stand on his own two feet, face an obstacle and fight through it on his own. He attempts sometimes but when it’s a little difficult, he gives up, walks away and lets someone else deal with it for him. He has admitted that he has no drive to do anything, even things that he used to enjoy doing and that he knows that he lets everyone handle things for him.
He’d been working 4 10’s (we were so happy then and loved our Friday’s alone together) for his F for a year or so and it’d somehow turned into working 6 10’s making the same pay. He had been coming home miserably tired and cranky. Although I understood, it was still frustrating that when we did see him awake, he was no fun to be around. His explanation for his mood was just that he was tired and stressed. When I think back about recent past events, I remember that at Christmas he searched very hard to find the perfect diamond stud earrings for me. I remember that in January, we were using a new program I bought him to design a new house for when we find property. In February, he and my son went to the Superbowl with all the guys in my H’s family. My daughter and I caught a stomach virus while they were gone and he came back being so caring and sweet. On Valentine’s Day, he made me a handmade card. It was so sweet. Although we love concerts, he never wants to go on a week night because of work but in Feb, he called and told me to go ahead and buy tickets for a Tues night concert on March 2nd. A few days after this concert, we were talking and insecurities were brought up. I told him of mine (that even when things are seemingly perfect, I still have the fear that a switch could flip at any moment and he’d pack his stuff and leave again—this is the first time in 17 years that he’s packed and left for more than 6 hours or so). He gave me a huge hug, looked me in the eye, and said “(My name), if you don’t know that I love you and that I’m not going anywhere by now, I don’t know what else to say or do to show you. I’m not going anywhere. I love you.” This is how things were. There was a lot to stress about in our lives but we were not letting it affect our relationship. Life sucked but our marriage didn’t.
Starting on March 13th, my H went from tired and cranky to acting extremely hateful to me out of the blue. For 6 days, I was told to shut up (even in public while eating out). If we were in the truck, he would turn the stereo sky high so that I couldn’t speak. If I tried to speak in between songs, he’d get mad and start the song over. When we drove around, we had to go in his truck and he’d drive 70 mph everywhere, flying up on people’s tails, and jerking from one lane to another. I was told that I was stupid quite a few times. I was told that I didn’t listen any better than our kids. He slept on the couch nearly every night (he’s done that more often than not since his injury). When I was busted trying to slip on a new little outfit before bedtime, I was told not to bother. One night, on maybe day 3 of the week from hell, he shocked me and came home happy. We joked around, chatted, and he even asked me to watch a show with him. That night, he fell asleep on the couch. I woke him up and he willingly came to bed with no frustration. I initiated sex. He basically gave in. It was the strangest sex we’ve ever had. He just laid there for a while. He didn’t touch me. He made no noise whatsoever. When I asked if something was wrong, I was told “Just get what you need to get.” I responded, “I wasn’t doing this because I was in the mood. I was doing this for us.” He replied, “Like I said, just do what you need to do so I can go back to sleep.” I tried to ignore his cruelty and make a moment happen. Suddenly, he went from just laying there to taking control. At that moment, he seemed angry, bothered, and very forceful. When it was over, he didn’t speak and went to sleep. I cried myself to sleep.
He continued acting very, very mean for the remainder of the week. On my H’s birthday, he called my dad for help with something. When my F asked what the problem was, he said “Uh. I married your daughter! Ha! Ha! No, really, I need…”. When he saw that my feelings were hurt, he laughed it off saying that it was just a joke. He apologized. I tried explaining that I really felt that although he may be playing it off as a joke, with the way he’d been treating me, it really seemed like that’s how he truly felt. He said no. I tried to kiss him. He pushed me away using the excuse that the heater was on and he couldn’t breathe. He left for my parents’ house. When he came back, he said that he wanted to wash his truck. I offered to help. He rudely responded. I went inside. He came in a few minutes later and changed clothes saying that he wasn’t staying in the house all day. He wanted to leave.
(Wow! There’s so much to type! I’m one of those who feels that I need to give the details or I’ll feel like the advice received is a waste if the person doesn’t know the whole story. Sorry.)
Anyway, we all got into his truck and yet again, he blasted the stereo (part of his Christmas present from me that I help him install in his truck) giving us all a hint that he didn’t want to speak. We wentc and ate in virtual silence. We then went shopping. He bought fishing baits (which I found odd because earlier in the day I suggested that we go fishing and he stated that he wouldn’t dare try just to find out that there’s one more thing he’s not able to do due to his hand injury). Afterwards, he drove to my parents’ house because they were cooking for his birthday, my dad’s, and a friend of theirs. We arrived two hours earlier than necessary. He sat watching tv and spoke to no one. When my brothers, father, and my parents’ friends showed up, he was all laughs and in a great mood with everyone else. The only two times that he spoke of or to me was to be hateful about sleeping on the couch. (Have I mentioned that for nearly a year since his injury he’s slept on the couch probably 50% of the time?) He found it hilarious to brag about it to my parents’ friends. After the little party was over, I sat on the back porch nearly in tears waiting for two hours for him to leave. When we left, he was back to the stereo blaring. When I tried to speak, he got aggravated, paused the cd, heard my questions (I believe I tried to ask two questions in between two songs), and answered rudely if at all, then turned it back up. Once home, he got our daughter out of the truck (which he rarely does) and so I walked around to the driver’s side to get her book and crayons. He ordered me to get “that”. I said that I was. “No that, dumbass!” he responded. I finally realized that he was talking about his gun. It’s normally kept in the door pocket or between the center console and his seat. I frantically looked for it hoping I’d find it before he yelled. I didn’t see it. He began yelling, telling me it was “right here”, calling me stupid, telling me that I didn’t listen any better than our kids, etc. The gun had been under his arm. It’s a black gun, in a black case, under his black sleeve against his black shirt in the dark. I got it. He stormed off inside giving me a mean look.
Once inside, he sat on the couch with the tv on. I sat down on the other end. I asked, during a commercial, if he’d had a decent day. I looked at me, rolled his eyes, and told me that he just wanted to be left alone and wished that I’d shut up. I sat there for a few minutes then, during another commercial, asked what I did because it was obvious that whatever his problem was, it was with me. He got aggravated, said that a person just wants to sit silent and be left alone sometimes that has nothing to do with me except that I won’t shut up. I explained that it was hard not to take it personally when I’m the only one that he’s mean to and then I went to bed.
He finally got into bed, said goodnight, said that he loved me, and said that he had had a decent day and we went to sleep. The next day, he came in from work in a decent mood. He kissed me hello and went to the shower. I finished mopping and due to a back ache, I went to lie on our bed for a few minutes. He came out of the shower, got dressed, asked if he’d woke me, asked why I was laying there, asked if I wanted to come watch tv. He was being nice. We went into the living room, his phone rang. The call was funny. We laughed about it. Throughout the afternoon, he was nice. I cooked, we ate, watched a little tv, the kids went to bed, and then he fell asleep on the couch. I lied down with him for a minute, woke him, and asked him to come to bed. He did. Once in bed, I put my arm around him and got yelled at because my hands were cold. I warmed them, put my arm back around him and was told my whole body was cold. I turned over and went to sleep. The following day, he came in and was quiet but not mean. I cooked, we ate, and he went to bed (two nights in a row!). I slipped something new on, got into bed, and initiated things. It happened but was not good. He wouldn’t touch me, kiss me, etc. He just laid there. After a minute or two of this, I asked what the problem was. He said “Nothing. Just get what you need.” I told him that it wasn’t for me, but for us. Again, he responded telling me to basically just get it over with. When I decided enough was enough, I went to get up and he took control. He was the most brutal, unloving, sexual moment of my life. We said nothing to each other afterwards and both went to sleep. The next day, three days after his birthday, I found out via my niece’s facebook wall that she was going out to eat for her uncle’s birthday. This was around 3pm. I texted him asking if we had dinner plans that he forgot to tell me about. He replied “hooters …7pm”. He came in, changed, we got into his truck, stereo blaring, no one allowed to speak, driving 70 nascar style and arrived at Hooter’s at 6:30. We reserved at table and sat there virtually silent again. When his family started to arrive, he was all jokes again. He chose where to sit when we got there but by the time food was served, he’d traded seats with me and others so much that I was stuck at the end of the table with the young boys while he was sitting with his back to me laughing and chatting with his family. The following day, the day before he decided to leave, I racked my brain trying to figure out what in the world I could’ve done to deserve being treated this way. Although each time I’d asked, he’d said that it had nothing to do with me and that he had no issues with me, I decided that maybe, just maybe, it may have something to do with my commenting about his parents spending money on a new motor home, superbowl tickets, and building a house boat while telling him all along that they were going broke and were expecting him to work the same hours (60 hours per week leaving no time for him to work elsewhere) for less money. I also thought that it may have something to do with my being upset that he comes in so cranky after working so much. I realized that, like his father, he was working these hours in misery simply to provide for us. I wrote my H a note telling him that I respected him and thanked him for all of the work that he’d been putting in at work in order to provide for us. I also said that he was the love of my life and that I was sorry for anything that I said that might’ve hurt him. I had a volleyball game that night and when it was time for us to leave, as usual, he wasn’t home yet so I left the note where he would see it. I picked up pizza for dinner and came home to find him on the couch. I asked if he’d read my note and he said he would do so the next day. He ate and then stayed up till after midnight watching the movie. I went to bed and found that he’d slept on the couch. Then the day came, the day that he told me that he wanted a D. The day of my brother’s surprise 30th party. I spoke to my H a few times during the day and things were ok between us. Not good, but he wasn’t being extremely hateful either. I kept it to myself that I’d discovered that he’d been talking to someone (a friend of his since the age of 4 who’ve I’ve thought hated me for 14 years now and therefore didn’t feel was a good thing for my marriage) behind my back again. I called him around 4:30 to tell him that I was headed back home to bathe and get dressed. I asked if he’d read my note. He said yes but that he didn’t have a response to give right then. He told me to take care of me and the kids because he’d be working late and would come straight to my parents’ house from work. He showed up and mingled with everyone but me for about 30 minutes. When I noticed that he’d walked off from everyone, I followed him. When I walked up to his truck, he said “Hey! How you doing?” I responded “Hey! I’m okay but I’d be doing good if my husband would give me a kiss and hug hello.” He rolled his eyes, sighed, gave me a peck and a one arm hug. When I asked if that was really that hard, he said yes. I then began asking what in the world was going on. Why was he being this way? I thought he might want me to find another job, thought he might just be depressed about work, his injury, etc. He kept telling me not to ask. Kept saying “Don’t. Just don’t.” I had no clue that his answer would be “I’m miserable. You don’t make me happy and I want a divorce.” He showed no emotion. Just said everything in a matter-of-fact manner. There was no yelling. I did lots of silent crying as there was a party going on 30 feet away. He said things like he wants it to go smoothly, he wants us to both be able to be friends with the other’s family, he was gonna wait to say or do anything until after our kids’ birthdays but my note from the day before changed that (How in the world can a sincere note saying I love you, I’m sorry, and I respect you be the last straw and a reason for him not to put off leaving me?), said he’s just not happy and that it’s all my fault, said that he needs to find happiness again and can’t do so with me. I asked if any of this had anything to do with him talking to the friend, the female friend since the age of 4, behind my back. (The last time that he did this in (Nov 07) he had been talking to her behind my back.) He defended his talks with her saying that she doesn’t try to influence him but just tells him that she’s there for him no matter what he decides and only wants to see him happy. He told me that he wants us to both to accept each other’s new partners when the times comes and remain friends. He left me in tears at my parents’ house without telling our kids anything. I called his mother. She was in shock and insisted that I call the friend and confront her. I did. She and I talked for nearly two hours. She said that they reminisce about their childhood, talk about their mutual friend (their friend who passed away and the anniversary of his death had passed one month earlier), and that he asks her how she knew she was ready for divorce. She says that she tries to talk him out of hit. She asked what led up to this and I told her how everything had been fine, how he’d told me two weeks prior that he loved me and would never leave me again, I told her of how out of the blue, he started acting crazy and completely hateful. She was very upset with him for telling her differently and said that she was hanging up with me, calling him, and calling him out on all of the things that he’d said and done to me. I found out later that he’d gone and spent the night at her house (on her couch) after leaving my parents’ home. I came home around 2:30am to feed our dogs. He’d been here because he’d had the tv on watching a movie and had taken the trash can from the road. I went back to my parents’ house to sleep. The next day, my mother and brother’s GF took the kids to watch my brother do a demonstration for his job and I came home. I cried myself to sleep and was woke up by the phone. As the phone rang, I heard the garage door open and my H walked in. I didn’t know whether to act like it wasn’t happening and sit silently or fight for my marriage. I chose to follow my heart and tried talking to him. I tried everything. He was like a stone wall. He packed and ignored me. There was no emotion. He only responded a few times. He said that we can’t talk (he doesn’t talk). He said that the reason he was doing this was because of “everything”. He said he was “done” and wasn’t working on it at all. When he was about to take the last bags out of the front door, he said he was sorry, that he didn’t want to hurt me but that he had to take care of himself and he couldn’t do that here with me because I make him miserable. I begged for him not to leave and to just tell me what to do. What did he need from me? He wouldn’t answer. That night, he went to his parent’s house to stay there. I told my kids that he needed time and space and was staying out there to think. I did not hear from him the next day. His mother did call to check on me and said that my H’s father had gotten very mad at him for not helping work. His father was working in 40 degree weather with swollen knees and my H was wrapped in a blanket, inside, playing on his laptop. His father called his mother who was away at the store and ranted about how my H was such a disappointment. My H heard him, packed his stuff, and decided to begin living out of their old motor home which is parked away from their home. The next day, his oldest sis called me for the first time to check on me. She, like my H’s mother, asked that I not give up hope, not move on, and keep praying. Like the rest of us, she believes that my H is just lost right now and doesn’t know what to do and is in turn blaming everything on me and running away. By this time, it was four days since he’d told me he wanted a D. He had not seen or spoken to our children. As we drove up to a child’s practice, my H called saying that he was getting a ride to our house to get his personal truck and some other things then would be coming to practice. He was decent at practice. After practice, the kids rode with him and I followed to get something to eat. We talked about neutral things (dogs, my brother laying new flooring, etc.). When we went outside, the kids got back into his truck thinking that he was coming back home. He told them that they had to ride with me but did not explain anything more to them. He shut the door to the truck and went to walk to his truck. I asked him to wait. I explained to him that I’ve not texted or called him because I’m respecting his wishes to be left alone and not because I don’t want to talk to him. I asked that he take the printout I had of the first chapter of “The Divorce Remedy. I said “All I ask is that you take this. I will not know one way or the other if you read it, but please take it in the case that you do read it.” He took it, flipped through it, and kept it. I thought that a good sign. He then led the conversation and I followed his lead in order not to force him to talk about anything he didn’t want to. He talked about how his dad can’t hurt him anymore and so he doesn’t care what his dad says. I told him that I knew that he still had a heart and that it must’ve hurt. He talked about his injury still not being right. I encouraged him to find patience and realize that he will be able to work in some capacity and that anything is possible. He said that we can’t communicate. I disagreed and told him that we can if he would try. I pointed out that we talked the night he told me he wanted a divorce without hostility and that we were doing so now. I pointed out that I didn’t think it would be possible to not try to contact him for days on end but that I had done so for four days and anything is possible. He was leading the conversation and I found ways to tell him again that he is the only one wanting this, that he has a family that loves him and wants him home, that everyone has been praying, that I understand that he feels completely out of control of life and nothing seems to be going right but you’ve got to take control and figure out solutions instead of walking away from all of your problems. Again, he could not point out that I had done anything, just that he’s miserable, I don’t make him happy, and he’s not working on us. He’s done. We left the restaurant and my oldest child was telling me that he gave my H opportunities to say that he wasn’t coming home but that he’d not said anything either way. (For example, my child was telling my H about a picture. My H couldn’t imagine it and so my child responded “Well, you’ll see it when we get home.” My H didn’t respond.) The next two nights, he called our oldest child but did not speak to our youngest. When Friday came around, my H made plans to get our oldest and take a day trip the next day. My H texted me asking that I call him to discuss what would be needed for their trip the next day. It was during this conversation that he told me that the pay from his F’s company to our company had officially been cut. I calmly told him, in so many words, that we’d figure it out and that things would be ok. This was the only comment that he made about money. From there, he began to text our child regarding the trip the next day. He sent me a text telling me where he’d hidden his paycheck. When I went to get the check, I was shocked to find that not only was the pay cut, but the check hadn’t been written to our company but instead they’d put him on their payroll leaving me without a job now and our family without qualification for health insurance. (I spoke of all this earlier.) The next morning I made sure to be awake when he came to pick up our child for the day trip so that I could find out when to expect them back. I offered biscuits that I’d cooked. He declined. When he brought our child home that afternoon, he went straight to our closet, collected a few things, and then he took alcohol out of the refrigerator. He explained that he was going to his parents’ friends’ home for dinner and to do laundry. I thought this odd because his parents’ house is on the way to their friend’s house. Then I realized that he was yet again avoiding his family. (In our 17 years, I’ve seen members of his family write off other family members at the drop of a dime. I’d seen my H do so himself at least five times be it not speaking to his mother or father for nearly a year because he felt they owed him money, or his sister because she tried to give unsolicited advice, etc.) Before he walked out of our house, I mentioned that although neither of us had the time then, we needed to talk about what to do with the bills and money situation, that I was looking for a job, but we needed to talk soon. He responded by telling me that if he lived here, the bills would be my problem, that he wouldn’t help me figure things out and he’s not going to now. He said that he’s done with stress and I’m making the money stuff stressful and so I can deal with it. He said it was “simple”, that “our business is now closed and it’s that simple”. When I told him that just because our business was closed, doesn’t mean that the bills it created or all of our other bills disappear and we’ve still gotta pay $5500 worth of bills on $3200 month and that’s not simple, he stormed out of the house telling me it was my problem and that I needed to do whatever I had to do to deal with it. (I knew that what he meant by that comment was that he was about to force me to sell our home.) I heard nothing from him that night. He called our oldest again the following night but our youngest refused to talk to him. (She can be a diva!) While he was on the phone, I was on the computer. Per his phone records, there’s a new number for some unknown girl that he began texting around lunchtime two days prior when he and our child were on their day trip. These texts would last throughout the day and into the early hours of the next morning. It took everything in me not to take the phone and tell him that I knew. (I called her and hung up after hearing what sounded like an 18 year old girl’s voice.) The next morning, he texted me saying that we needed to sell the house. I knew it! I told him that although it might come to that, I wasn’t listing it now because I’d like to keep things as normal as possible for the kids right now. I told him that it would take at least 6 months to sell anyway. Most homes in our neighborhood are taking more than a year to sell. He told me that he can’t keep living in his parent’s motor home. I told him that he didn’t have to, that he could come home. He threatened to sell the house himself if I wouldn’t. I asked if he’d been talking to anyone that knew anything about our lives. He claimed that he’d not talked to anyone because no one else would want him. I didn’t mention the new girl he was calling. (To my knowledge, he’s never had an affair. He attempted once but she turned him down. In arguments throughout the years, he’s said more than once that if an opportunity presents itself, he’s taking it.) I told him that if he wanted to know who would want him, we wanted him. He then started asking how many times he had to say that he was never coming back before I’d leave him alone. I told him that I wasn’t gonna give up on us no matter how many times he says it because I want him home and our family whole again. He never responded to my final text that day. He called around 10am the next morning asking about our child’s practice and led back into how we needed to sell the house. I told him that although it may come to that, it’d only been 11 days since he’d left. I told him that the kids needed time to adjust to one slap in the face before they got another. He said that it wouldn’t hurt them to see a for sale sign knowing that it’ll take a long time to sell. He kept insisting that he wasn’t paying for a house he didn’t live in and he needed to sell so that he could get a place of his own. He started saying that he can’t keep sleeping in the motor home, eating once a day, etc. I told him that those were choices that he was making, not me. He refused to let me sell the exercise equipment that’s been under piles of stuff for years or the motorcycle he got against my will that he’s not ridden. He said only the house can be sold. He went back to the house having to be sold and when I said that I wasn’t agreeing to that right now, he yelled “What the F ever, my name! Do what you always do and don’t listen to me. I’ll get an attorney and just be done with all of this and you’ll pay the price!” then hung up. During the previous call, I asked why he was doing this and all he could say is that he’s unhappy. He kept wanting to know how many times he had to say that he wasn’t coming home in order for me to believe it. There is no number of times. I told him that and that he cannot change the way that I feel, can’t stop me from praying, and can’t stop that he is the only one in either of our families that wants this. He never responded. Around 4pm, he called to see if we were all at home and ok. He heard about an explosion at a chemical plant 15 miles away or so and wanted to make sure we were alright. He then wanted to talk about youngest child’s birthday party. He was almost nice. It was odd. Around 7:00, he texted me saying that he was stuck in traffic but on his way to practice. When he arrived, he was nice. Even went to his truck, got bug spray, sprayed our youngest and me, got some in my eye and seemed worried that I was upset. I just played it off and said it would be fine. After sitting for a few minutes (I sat silently working on my resume and he played around with our child), he told me in so many words to forget about having health insurance unless I found it through my job because he wasn’t paying for it for any of us. I offered the quotes I’d gotten earlier that day saving us $700 per month. He said it didn’t matter. After that, there was no more chit chat between us. When practice was over, we all walked towards my truck. He put our youngest in, buckled her up, and she began asking him when he was coming back home. He kept saying that he wasn’t. Then she started asking why he wasn’t. He got a little frustrated and told her that he wasn’t coming back ever and it didn’t matter why. By this time, our oldest was in the fetal position crying his eyes out. (My H told him on the way home from their day trip together that he better not cry in front of me.) I sat quietly staring out the windshield. He then walked around to our son, told him that he loved them, that whether or not he loved him had nothing to do with this and that one day they would understand. My son just sat crying. (He never says anything to my H. He is scared of telling him how he feels. My H is one of those types that uses his size and voice to intimidate my son.) My son shut the door and I started to back out when I realized that he’d walked to my window. I rolled the window down and he quietly said “We need to sell the house.” I didn’t respond. I just looked at him. He kept repeating himself and I kept not responding. This infuriated him. He began steadily raising his voice until he was nearly yelling saying that if I didn’t sell it, he would. He wasn’t paying for a house he didn’t live in. We may as well accept the reality that he’s never coming back. He’s gone. It’s over. He doesn’t want me. I need to find someone else, etc. I just sat there listening until finally I asked that he not do this in front of our kids. His response: “Don’t act like you’ve never ruined a family before!” That’s when I said “Don’t even try to throw that up in my face. I will not listen to it anymore. I forgave myself, my family forgave me, your family forgave me, and God has forgiven me. You are the only one who can’t find forgiveness.” He began saying again that he couldn’t continue to stay in the motor home, eat once a day, etc. I told him again that he was making that choice and that he had a home to come back to where he would have at least three meals a day. He then yelled “Well, yeah, I made that choice and I’m going make my second choice now!” and stormed off to his truck. I backed out, explained to him that I’d only meant that he didn’t have to make the choice he was making and that he could choose otherwise. I asked what he intended his second choice to be and he responded “I’m getting an attorney, getting this over with, and figuring out how to list the house tonight. Right now!” I then drove off. My children cried horrible for two hours. They wouldn’t eat dinner. My son kept crying and asking why my H was doing this, saying that it’s ridiculous that he thinks he’s got to run away to find happiness, saying that if medicine helps him from acting this way, he should just take a pill and stop all of this, saying that if he loved us, he would come home. Our youngest cried saying that the second part of “motor home” shouldn’t be “home”. Since this night, each time she sees someone she’s not since before this, the first thing she tells them is “My dad is never coming home to live with us and he wouldn’t tell me why.” That night was excruciating for all of us. The next night, he called around 9:30pm, asked about our daughter’s party, our son’s practice the next day, and apologized for getting to mad the night before. He asked me while on the phone how our son was getting to practice since I’d have a volleyball game at the same time. I told him my mom was bringing him. When on the phone with our son, after me telling him that my mom would be there, my H told him he’d see him there. We heard nothing from him the next day nor did he show up to practice. Per phone records, he texted with the childhood girlfriend from 1:41pm-2:45pm, then from 3:19-6:02 to the new girl (he also called her at 4:08, 6:10 and 6:15pm), then back to the childhood friend again from 8:26-9:01pm. So, instead of showing up to his son’s practice at 7pm like he said or calling his kids that night or at all, he texted with other girls all afternoon and night. He then talked to the childhood friend again on the phone for 92 minutes starting at 9:33pm. T he next day, last Friday, he called around 9:30am saying that he realized around 10pm that he’d forgotten about our son’s practice. He asked to get the kids that night through Sunday morning. He then said that he’d gotten his check, asked if I’d been paying the bills, told me that neither of us needed our credit messed up, and that we should sell the house ASAP so that we could walk away without debt, that I needed to find a job with health insur benefits, and that the faster this all happened the better for the kids sake (said since their routine HAS to change, the faster it does, the better so that they can adapt). He does not agree that they need time to recover from one blow before the second hits. He thinks that if you just hit them with all the blows as fast as you can, then they can heal quicker and start their new routines. He got aggravated that I didn’t agree and told me to just call when I figured out when he could get the kids. He called back again at 10:00 wanting to know who was involved in hiring us to work on two of the homes that we’ve never been paid for. I also told him of another job we did going for sheriff’s sale. I’d gotten a letter that day. He asked that I scan the letter regarding the second job and email it to his parents’ attorney. I did. He asked that I call him when I determined what time he could come pick up the kids. Our son was fishing with my father. I noticed, per phone records, that he had begun to start to have short conversations with his family members again. When I called around 5pm to tell him that he could come get the kids around 6pm, he told me that he was at a washateria across town and wouldn’t be able to finish there until late so he wouldn’t be here to get the kids until around 8:30. (He didn’t know that I’d already seen his phone records showing that he’d had incoming calls from the washateria two mintues from the motorhome earlier in the day.) I asked why he was across town and not at the one near the motorhome. He claimed that he’d dropped off some jeans to be fixed and when he gone to get them, he decided to go by the washateria near there. I assume that he was lying and was somewhere he shouldn’t have been. When he arrived at our house around 8pm, he began to load up all kinds of things (all of his black iron pots and skillets, all of his cookbooks, oven mitts, more clothes, seasonings out of the pantry, pictures of him and his friend that passed, pictures of him and other family members, movies, books to read, etc.). I acted as if it was no big deal but it crushed me. It hurts so much each time he takes more of his stuff. It’s no big deal to him. It’s almost like he’s walking into a storage unit and picking stuff up. We were cordial to one another. Saturday night, I attended Easter Vigil Mass. For some reason, God made it happen that his oldest sister and her husband and children sat right behind me and my parents. I held back my tears as much as possible when they walked in, hugged me, and told me that they love me. As mass went on, things were said that pertained somewhat to what I was going through and it made me tear up again. In the middle of the gospel, the priest was talking to the entire congregation about difficulties that they may be experiencing then suddenly as he gave “relationships falling apart” as an example, he looked straight at me. I’ve not talked to the priest about what’s going on but somehow, it seemed he knew. I began sobbing (silently ofcourse). Both of my parents were consoling me when my sis-in-law and brother-in-law both put their hands on my shoulders. That just made it worse. Then came the sign of peace. We all hugged each other and they told me that there had no intention to stop praying for my family and me. After church, they invited me to their house for Easter lunch the next day. I thanked them but told them that I didn’t know what I would do. I battled over what to do. I left church driving around and crying for a while when I found myself heading towards the cemetery where my H’s friend is buried. I’ve always credited this friend for bringing us together. As friends, I sat with him for hours on end at the gravesite holding him as he cried and I believe that if it weren’t for those times, our friendship might’ve never truly progressed. I drove to the gravesite, sat there for a half hour or so, cried and begged for the friend to look down upon us and bring us back together like he’d done 17 years ago. I ended up writing my requests in letter form to the friend, folded it, and placed it under a stone that sits upon his headstone. I left, gathered myself, and realized that I’d not spoken to my children yet. It was a little late but I called regardless. They were at my H’s parents’ house. I found out that my H and son had gone to a baseball game with the brother-in-law and nephew that showed up to church. My H and son had dropped them off at church after the game and parked behind my truck to do so. My son had already known what I’d done with my evening due to that. My daughter had spent the day with her grandparents. I talked to them both and then came home and cried hysterically until I fell asleep.
The next morning, my son and I exchanged texts wishing each other a Happy Easter and my daughter a happy birthday. I stayed in my PJ’s doing housework. My cousin called asking that I come to her house. I agreed and when I was nearly ready to head out the door, my H called saying that he was on his way to drop the kids off. He said that he thought he had to have them back to me by 12pm. They wanted to go to his sister’s house and see their cousins. (The sister from church the night before.) I’ve not spoken to his other sister since before all of this happened. He suggested that he come to the house and we would discuss things here. (I’d told him that he was the one that decided what to time to bring them back, that if they wanted to see their cousins that was fine, but that I did miss my children tremendously.) When he arrived, they brought all of their stuff in, and he went into our bedroom. I talked with the kids for a few minutes. They went and asked my H if they were going to their aunt’s house or not. He told them that it was up to me. When he came out of our bedroom, he’d changed clothes. He asked how he looked and I told him that the outfit looked fine. He commented that he’s running out of clothes that fit. I asked if it was due to him losing weight (trying to compliment him although I had really noticed that much weight loss). He then came into the kitchen and asked what I wanted to do. I told him that they’d invited me after church but that I didn’t know what I should do because I didn’t want to be uncomfortable nor make anyone else feel that way. He shrugged his shoulders and said it was fine. I told him that I assumed he wouldn’t want me there. (I hadn’t finished the book at this time and therefore didn’t know to act as if.) Again, he said it was fine. It was then decided that he could take the kids to his sister’s house, I would go to my cousin’s for a while, and then come to his sister’s. He and the kids lingered around for at least an hour before they left. I told my H about how I thought a rock and dropped from the sky into a fan blade on the back porch the day before and how I ducked down to avoid getting hit by it just to find a frog on the ground with a missing leg. We laughed about it for a second. There was lots of just standing around in silence. They all got into the truck to leave and I didn’t tell him bye. Just the kids. Is that wrong? What do I do? When I arrived at his sister’s, everyone (including his father who rarely shows any emotion and usually just sticks to himself) got up, hugged me, told me Happy Easter. From there, we all sat around and chatted about trivial, unimportant things. It felt like there was such a huge elephant in the room. My H would chat a little with us (not necessarily me) and then wonder off and joke around with nieces and nephews that he rarely plays around with. When the oldest nephew, my H’s Godchild who is 16 arrived, my H focused on hanging out with him. When he and his sister left, he hugged me and quietly asked if I was ok. His mother is the sister that I’ve not spoken to. She did not come for Easter due to a bad sinus infection. Her husband was working. I have to admit that I wonder if she stayed home due to the possibility of my showing up. Anyway, I told his nephew that I wasn’t ok and that I didn’t know what all of this was happening. They left and I stayed a little while longer until finally convincing the kids that we needed to go to my parents’ house. My H informed me that when we left, he would too and that he would bring our son’s bike back to our house since it wouldn’t fit in my truck.
Soon after arriving at my parents’ house, my H called asking where something was. I asked if he was getting more stuff and not just dropping the bike off. He told me that he was getting his fish fryer, propane bottles and his wok. I guided him in finding the cord to the wok and then suddenly came out and said “Happy Easter, his name”. He told me the same. Then I realized that maybe I shouldn’t have done that and made an excuse to get off of the phone. He thought I had an attitude. I explained that I didn’t and he said ok. We were off the phone. (He seems all into this “I want to be friends, be nice to each other, be friends with each other’s family, etc., and like everything is going great for him except that we need to sell the house, drop the health insur, and talk about money.) (His cousin who just reconciled with his wife after a major midlife crisis seems to think that my H is going through exactly what he did.)
Yesterday, he showed up to practice. He didn’t know that I was at my truck when he drove up. His windows are blacked out and so you can’t see in. He sat in his truck for 15 minutes before I snuck back to my chair without him seeing me. I assume that he was on the phone. Per his phone records, he wasn’t on “our” phone. If he was, he is again using the company phone that his parents let him keep. (He used to use this phone to talk to the childhood girlfriend behind my back. Since the night he told me that he wanted a D, he’s been blatantly talking to her and the new girl on the phone that is in “our” name. I think he’s doing so to hurt me and see what I’ll do so I’ve not acknowledged the calls and texts to the girls at all.) After I sat back down, about 10 minutes later, he walked up and cheerfully greeted our daughter. I said hi and asked if he’d forgotten his chair. He explained that he was running really late that morning and wasn’t able to make his lunch, get his chair, etc. (Per his phone records, he was on the internet on his phone until 1am that morning.) He saw that I was looking at the classifieds, asked if I finished my resume, and suggested that I find a job with health insur. I only responded by telling him that I intended to finish the resume today. I didn’t acknowledge his comment about health insur. (I want to help us out financially but I’m scared. If this D does happen, he’s to provide me with the lifestyle I’ve had for at least one year meaning a home, health insur, etc. If I agree to sell the house to help out his depression and stress over money and find a job with health insur to help out further and am not able to save my marriage, it will be used against me in court.) The remainder of the time that we were at practice, he would roam off, I would roam a little, and we basically didn’t say much else to one another. We both played and chatted with our daughter. When we walked to my truck last night, he told the kids bye and virtually ran to his truck to leave. When we turned off of the street, he turned the opposite direction of what he should’ve.
I’ve not heard anything from him today but I’m sure that we’ll see him again tonight unless practice is cancelled. I’m not looking forward to it. It’s so hard to see him and to act as if and do the last resort. I know that he’s going to try to convince me to talk to him tomorrow night about money but I’m scared to talk to him about money because I don’t know what to do. I don’t know if I should risk not protecting my future in the case of a D by giving in to get rid of debt in order to save our marriage. I need advice and a clear decision as to what I should do before I can talk to him about money.
Oh! When I spoke to my kids Saturday morning, they were playing a game and he had a cd playing in the background. I asked him a year or so ago after listening to a song that always makes me think of him if there were any songs that made him think of me. He sarcastically responded “Yeah! All the 2 Live Crew songs!” Either the night that he told me that he wanted a D or the next day while packing, he said “You know why I can’t name a song that makes me think of you? It’s because any time a song comes on that would make me think of you, I change the channel or hit forward past the song.” Well, Saturday morning, he was listening to a cd he recently bought. A cd that he persistently only listens to three songs. The following is one that he always forwards past yet he was listening to Saturday. What should I think of that?
Jake Owen—“Places to Run”
I’ve lived all my life, with no ties that bind, There wasn’t anything or anyone that I couldn’t leave behind, I could always find a getaway from what I’ was hiding from, It’s looking like I’ve run out of places to run.
Everywhere I go, and everything I do, There ain’t a corner that I turn that ain’t one big déjà vu, She told me when I walked away that this day would come, She was right I’ve run out of places to run.
Everywhere I go, and everything I do, There ain’t a corner that I turn that ain’t one big déjà vu, I could always find a getaway from what I’ was hiding from, She was right, I finally run out of places to run,
Ooooh I finally run out of places to run.
P.S. I know that this post is extremely long. Again, I’m one who cares a great deal about the details and feels that someone can’t understand and truly give helpful advice without first knowing the details. I apologize for the time that I just took from your life in order to read this but I thank you so very much for that time. Oh! And sorry for paragraphs eventually running together. I got a little tired of trying to edit in the tiny, uncooperative window. Any advice that you may have would be appreciated. I’m at a complete loss and really need to know what to do.
Do I agree to sell? Do I get health insur through an employer…if I can find one? Do I give compliments? Do I continue with the last resort technique…better than I done so far (since I’ve just realized yesterday that that’s what I need to do)? What do I do?
Dedicated, wow, you must have a photographic memory. That is quite the sitch. Believe me I wish I knew exactly what to say. There will be vets to come along and respond to what you have said. Keep your head up, if doing LRT is working then keep with it. Do 180's to what you usually do. If he is used to you doing everything around the house stop. See if he will take responsibility for your R and M.
Thats my two cents. Wish I could be more help
Aces
I like all this empty space because i can now type out things that are important.
Like: D7 S2 starting swimming lessons on 3/30
"Readily will I display the intestinal fortidue required to fight on..."
Thx for the reply, Aces. I do somewhat have a photographic memory but I've been keeping a journal of EVERYTHING since the night my H left. That helped in writing my post. As for me stopping doing everything around the house, he's not living here therefore if I don't do it, it won't get done.
Otherwise, I do intend to keep trying the LRT and trying some 180's.
I'd strongly suggest you break that tome up into some bite-sized pieces, and ask some specific questions about different aspects of your sitch. You'll get a better response.
Very few people have the time or patience to reach such a long post. I've been here forever, with nearly 15,000 posts, and that just MAY be the single-longest post I've ever seen! lol
Well, I guess I'll delete the original and repost a shortened version. I really hate to do this because I know me. I won't be able to take people's advice as well knowing that they don't know the whole story.
My H completely shocked me and told me that he wanted a D 18 days ago. We’ve had some major ups and downs throughout our 17 year relationship (14 year marriage).
10 years ago while I was a stay at home Mom, he became extremely verbally abusive and violent. He wouldn’t hurt me physically but would put holes in walls, shatter glass tables, throw push mowers across the yard, etc. It seemed he was ticked that I didn’t have to work. I did EVERYTHING while all he had to do was go to work. A friend became concerned, a shoulder to cry on, and eventually a one month affair. My H kicked me out for two weeks. We worked things out and a year later moved to start anew.
Things were going perfect. Then 8 years ago, he got completely drunk and accused me of being unfaithful with the people we were hanging out with. I hadn’t been. He wouldn’t listen. He kicked me and our son out again. After a month of begging to come home and work things out and being told to find someone else, I did. Then we broke up and I found someone else. By this time, four months had passed and my H confessed that he didn’t mean all of the HORRIBLE things that he said and did from the very beginning and wanted me home. It took me nearly three more months to come back. Since then, I’ve been nothing but faithful. I don’t consider the last two OM as affairs as I was doing what I was told on the belief that my marriage was over. I’ve made sure for 8 years now that I do not hide ANYTHING from him. He knows where I’m at, what I’m doing, who I’m with, can read off of my texts, emails, etc. I hide nothing.
I’d gone back to work during our separation 8 years ago. I had a great job which I gave up at the request of his family in order to manage his F’s business. My H then started his own business 5 years ago. I managed both until 3 years ago when I focused on our business. I’ve worked from home managing it ever since.
We also have had a daughter since. She turned 5 this week. Things have been extremely tough for the last year. My H had a serious injury to his hand and has had multiple extensive surgeries. He still cannot do all the things he used to. We had 4 customer screw us out of $60K in 6 months time. We had to lay off our employees. He’s had to work solely has a sub for his F’s business. His F had been telling him for 6 months that he couldn’t afford to keep paying our company what he was. We can’t stand living in our neighborhood, want our children to grow up on acreage like we did, and feel that time is of the essence to move (our son is about to be 12). We didn’t have our boat last summer because we started redoing it the month that he injured his hand. It’s never been finished. It’s been a BAD, BAD year or so.
He and I did not let it affect our R. We were still putting aside time for the two of us. Our sex life was good. Six days before he told me that he wanted a D, he started acting mean and hateful out of the blue. I assumed that it was due to him having the worst Friday ever. He not only had to manage a bid for our business but manage his F’s business and his BIL’s business because his F was busy building a new boat and his BIL was on vacation. Also, his F felt the need to pick that day to tell him again that the check to our company would be drastically cut very soon. During the next 6 days, he slept mainly on the couch saying it was more comfortable than our bed (that’s been an on and off issue since his injury), he called me names, yelled at me in public, made extremely rude comments about me and things in our relationship to others, wouldn’t allow me to speak, etc., etc., etc. Each time that I asked what the problem was he’d say that it had nothing to do with me and that he had no issues with me.
The day before he told me, I wrote him a short note saying that I loved him, thanked him for the hours he was working, understood that this was why he’d been so moody, told him that I was sorry for anything that I might’ve said about his parents (even though he’d said the exact same), and that if whatever was going on was something different, he had to tell me before I could fix it.
Apparently, that letter was the final straw. He gave that note as the excuse to not wait until after our kids’ birthdays and to leave that night. I was told that he couldn’t name anything in particular that I’d done, it was just that he’s miserable living with me, he’s unhappy, he needs to find happiness and obviously can’t find it while with me, there’s nothing I can do, his mind is made up, he’s not working on our marriage, he’d said before that if he ever packed up again (he’d done so after arguments probably ten times in the last 8 years but never for more than a couple hours) it would be the final time and this is it. He wants each of us to remain friends with each other and each other’s families.
I realized that day that he’d been talking to a girl that he’s been friends with (more like family) since he was 4. The last time that he talked about marital problems was 2 ½ years ago when he was talking to her behind my back. He’s told me that they are only friends, that she’s supportive of whatever decision he makes although she doesn’t agree with divorce (her parents and she are divorced), that she doesn’t influence him and therefore she’s the only person that he intends to talk about this with. He stated that he would not speak to his family because they may influence him. Both of our parents have been married for approx. 40 years. Neither of us have siblings who are divorced. Oh! And per his phone records, he's been texting and calling some new girl for about 9 days now.
I don’t know what to do. I’m trying LRT and intend to try some 180’s. I’m scared to agree to sell our home to pay off all of our debt excluding my truck in order to reduce his stress because if he does D me, then I’ll have no home and he won’t be liable to provide that for me as he is now. (Our business closed one week after he left because he’s now on his parent’s payroll. I have no business to manage therefore I now have no job. I am looking.) I want to talk to an attorney to find out my legal rights should he go through with this. I DO NOT want a D but I feel that I need to get my ducks in a row in order to protect myself and my kids should it happen.
I’m scared and need advice. Do I give compliments when I see fit while do the LRT? In some ways, because I hold back sometimes, it could be a 180. Someone please tell me what to do. The only advice I can get from people I know is that I will be so much better off without him. They can tell me how to get a divorce, but now how to save my marraige.
DO NOT agree to ONE thing (selling the house or anything else) until you have spoken with an attny.
The reason your H doesn't want to talk to his family has nothing to do with being influenced and everything to do with the fact he is involved with OW AND he left his W and children.
Be pleasant when you have to be around him but go dark. You are under no obligation to assist him with this plan.
As long as he is "talking" with OW he will not hear anything you say. His focus is with her now.
As a licensed realtor, I can tell you that he cannot sell a home that is in both of your names without either your signature or a power of attorney to act for you. Watch your purse, there has been more than one driver's license stolen by a spouse trying to sell a house against the other's wishes.
