I 2nd OP- hang tough, girl. Good for you for writing it here and not acting on it. Are you keeping busy today?
When the men on the chessboard Get up and tell you where to go; And you've just had some kind of mushroom And your mind is moving slow; Go ask Alice... I think she'll know.
Tell yourself you can reconsider discussing it in SEVEN DAYS. Nothing is going to change in seven days anyway. YOU CAN MAKE IT AT LEAST SEVEN DAYS. GO H4L!!!! you're 1/7 there!
I've been there Hope. Twice. Two trips my H took with OW. It is awful. My heart goes out to you and the anxiety is awful. But, Hope there is nothing you can do about it. Breathe, let it go. You are going to be ok no matter what he is doing. Pleading your case will push him farther away. Going dark is your best strategy from what I can tell. Keep posting and seeking support. Hide your cell phone, take the battery out, put it somewhere else, whatever you need to do. ((Hugs)) you are going to be ok.
Well, I think there were a lot of factors that contributed to getting to piecing for me.
I was able to stand my ground that I did not favor a S or D, so if H decided on either of those things he would have to take full responsibility to the kids and anyone else. So, he never left the house, which helped. I did kick him out of the master bedroom though, when he failed to tell me he had resumed the R with OW in Sept. after they broke it off at one point. I also set other boundaries... that only applied to my sitch with him living there. I tried to GAL and do 180's that fit for me. I focused on the kids and myself. I stopped pleading, begging etc. I tried to be polite, distant, but cheerful when I communicated. I never went dark. But, I would have if he would have moved out. You can read back on my old thread if that is helpful, there is a link to it on my piecing thread.
Don't forget, each sitch is unique. What you are doing with LRT seems to be the right approach for your sitch at this point IMO.
From a MLC/WAH who reconciled after a long separation:
Originally Posted By: happy_again
i needed to get some thoughts off of my chest as i was thinking alot about some of the questions that keep coming my way and they are all the same just worded differently. I also wanted to say that as a former MLc person i do understand the hurt that many of you are in right now and i am sorry that people like me have hurt people like you.
the number one question is about cake eating and how to treat your spouse. let me give you my point of view and i am not an expert i can only tell you what worked for me and my wife. number one rule is to never allow anyone to abuse you emotionally or physically or verbally.you have to set personal boundaries on this and do what is best for you.nobody is allowed to treat another this way.
with this being said i also know that yelling and being angry and spewing are all a symptom of mlc. so we need to find a way to understand each other in this area. even though it may be directed at you it is not personal although it may seem like it most of the time.you are a victim of circumstance and happen to also be the closest and safest person we know.deep down we know that you love us and we also know that you probably are going to continue to love us so you are safe.
each and every time i would see my family or go to the house it would tear me up inside. i would go out of my way to find fault with soemthing, anything just to prove a point but god only knows what point i was proving because i ended up being a jackass most of the time. all of the reminders of the things i had left behind.my whole life in a house and now i had nothing.all because of the choice i made. and for what? after a while nothing helped me and there were no words to make me feel better.maybe this was acceptance i dont know.
but back to what i was saying before i know that the things i said in anger and my madness were all lies and ways to be cruel. when Allie stopped fighting back and just listened and did not react i seemd to calm down.i began to notice that she was not fighting with me anymnore. i was a total [censored] to her and i would test her to the limit and she stood firm. this is when i began to start having even more guilt for my actions and would sometimes go days without calling her back or answering her emails.but she never asked me questions and when i did finally call she was always happy and made me feel welcome.
there were times i called in the middle of the night just to hear her voice. she never got angry with me she was a friend. but there were also times when she was tired or busy and she would be polite but tell me that it wasnt a good time to talk. i would get angry but i respected her boundaries.there were also times if i was spewing my [censored] that she would say Bob I cant talk when you act this way so why not call me when you have calmed down and she would hang up but never without an explanation. i know now that she would be furious but she learned how to be patient.
the cake eating part i think refers to some fandangled thing you lbs think we are doing each time we reach out to you. it isnt that way. sometimes after talking to my friend i would call Allie because i felt guilty or i would come over to t he house and repair something.yes i know it was wrong but do you also understand that my heart was still at home but my head was elsewhere. i know that it may seem very wrong but many times i wanted to be home and have the comforts of home and be with my family but i wanted things to change and i needed my space i didnt want to return to the nagging and the feeling of being just a freaking paycheck and the fix it guy.i wanted a wife not a mother. i guess i had the best of both worlds but i was made to feel welcome in my house and that is what made me come home.
i hope that this might help someone understand that i really dont believe that their spouse is out to get them i think that their spouse is crying out for help and doing really irrational things because they can not find the words to express themselves.it is almost like being a caged animal and the walls are coming in all around you and you have to get away but you also know that you feel safe in the cage and once you escape you dont know what to do with yourself. you find different ways of making the pain go away and it dies for a little while and then it comes back but only worse.
by the way Allie helped me write this.
Last edited by flowmom; 04/06/1008:05 PM.
me: 42 | STBXH: 41 | T: 18 | M: 10 | separation: Jan 3, 2010 | they deserve better: S7 & D4 current thread: http://tinyurl.com/3y8sxcp .: first breathe, then heal, then start LIVING :.
