how do i keep my hope alive?

[trytryagain]

just got off the phone with my mother. further proof that i cannot talk to her right now. as soon as she answered, she said, you know it's ok to be angry and we're all here for you to help you get through what that a$$hole did to you and going on about how i never should have taken him back the first time and how nothing would make her feel better than (and i'm quoting her here) "slapping the sh*t" out of him.

my mother and i are cut from very, very different cloths. i am working really hard to be level headed and cool about all of this, but she flies off the handle at the drop of a hat, and feels the need to tell me exactly how she feels all the time. i said to her at one point, if this is the way this conversation is going to go, then i'm going to hang up. you are entitled to your opinions and your feelings, and that's fine if you want to be angry. but i am not angry. i do not feel it is a positive use of my energy right now, and my H is not a bad person, he is very troubled and i can't be angry that he is in an emotional fog right now.

she said i am just making excuses for him and that he's a liar and he made promises to me and said we'd be together forever. so i said, mom, does that mean that all the people who end up divorced are liars? she said, YES. i know she is hurting. she keeps insisting that she is going through this whole thing, too. but i told her, i am the one who goes home to an empty house and at the end of the day, i am the one who has to sign the papers. i will be the one with a D looming over my head, not her. she will not wake up in the middle of the night and reach out for a man who isn't there. she will not have to date again or let go of loving her husband. it amazes me that in the midst of all of this, my mom is making this about herself and how much SHE is hurting.

am i making excuses? i don't think so. my H is a very lost person right now. i can't be mad at him for that, any more than i could get mad at my dog for shedding all over my house. i chose the way i respond to all of this, and i do not chose anger. i said to my mom, i could call my H every name in the book, i could key his car, i could send nasty letters to his family, i could do any number of angry, hurtful things and you know what? nothing would change. i wouldn't feel any better, and he would still want a D.

i could try to explain the buddhist concepts i'm reading about right now to my mom...about how people aren't inherently bad, they are all just like us, wanting to seek happiness and avoid suffering, and that the actions and behaviors of other people are not actually responsible for our own emotional well being. but i think that would be lost on her.

sigh. funny how a 15 minute phone conversation can TOTALLY exhaust you...