Show of hands - expose or not - success stories

[saffie]

OMG- I want to punch the screen

finally, you're standing up and being a man, thank you."

I know you mean it as a compliment but it comes across as a snide insult. Don't say anything - just listen and thank him for feeling able to open up!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

[Marked&Healed]

Not Neanderthal, but this is the first time in the 14 years I've known him, and the first time according to what he's told me of his past that he's ever taken a strong stand. I kind of want to reward it, and if we get past it and on the mend, maybe he can shape it to strong but not overbearing. Definitely will need counseling to get past this one, but for now, maybe not as bad as it first appeared.

[Marked&Healed]

Oh, Saffie, I would never actually say that to him. It's just how I felt. I'm not cruel or stupid.

[saffie]

Phew Thanks for clearing that up.

Men need respect, (even if you have to grit your teeth to give it - lol)

[Marked&Healed]

Reading on validating, making sure I really "get" it before tonight.

Just thought this was interesting.

Painful feelings that are expressed, acknowledged and validated by a trusted listener will diminish.

Painful feelings that are ignored will gain strength. (1)

[bluestar]

I had several of these "talks" with my H when he was in A. It was excruiating for me but it was important that he see me as listening to his side.

Here are the important things for you:
Maintain neutral facial expressions. Some of what he is going to say will be untrue and cruel but DO NOT REACT! He'll be trying to bait you into an argument so he can be right about his version of your history.

Just listen. When appropriate say things like..."I'm sorry you've felt this way" "I hear what you're saying" Dr Phil's Relationship Rescue has some really good validation statements.

Don't let him lie. If he lies, call him on it and refuse to go any further if he is unwilling to acknowledge the truth. Puppy had a good response for lies.

And cut yourself some slack. This is not going to be easy but it's a necessary step. It will take some practice not to get drawn into a fight. If you feel it happening, just say that you need a break, get a drink of water, have to go to the bathroom, anything to give yourself a minute to pull it together.

We're all here for you.

[MrBond]

This has turned out to be the thread of the day for sure. Good luck on the talk tonight. Honestly, I would sit, listen and respond with "I'm sorry you feel that way" "I understand that's how you feel". All you do is validate his feelings. Doesn't mean you understand them just that he feels that way.

I think we've all been through this stage. It's just one more thing to get out of the way.

[Marked&Healed]

Here's another:

Facts are not relevant to the emotional brain.

So true.

[Allen A]

Wow, I missed all the excitement this afternoon.

Most of what I would have said is already here, so I won't waste time when others have already said it much better.

The only point I might side with puppy on is NOT being there at 930 pm in the first place.

I think a cooling off day or two would do him good... Pass how many days/weeks/months has this man left YOU spinning in the wind panicking over his affair?

But more to the point. If you give him a few days, he will have time to calm down a bit... rather than facing his rage with only one day into exposure... I honestly DOUBT he will even have anything constructive to say. Based on what he's offered so far, I think you can expect more of the same BS and not an ounce of anything cooperative or informative.

I dunno, its your call pass, there are many variables at play here, but the one that hasn't been said enough, although it has been said, that HE is SETTING this time and EXPECTING you to comply... he is trying to control the meeting.

My advice is to agree to meet him in a public restaurant at an AGREED on time for BOTH of you... NOT in PRIVATE in your BEDROOM at a TIME HE DEMANDS from you.

In my opinion he's setting you up for an attack, not him opening up his feelings... he is STILL addicted right now.. HEAVILY based on the scripts hes tossing out in the last day or so... I agree with pup that give him a few more days to allow this reality hit to settle IN, and for you two to NEGOTIATE a FAIR place to discuss things constructively...

Him demanding YOU talk to HIM at the time HE decides and basically demands is just NOT the beginning of a constructive conversation... Something good may come of it, but only a day into exposure I would be pleasantly surprised...

Who knows, if you decide to be there maybe christmas will actually come early this year...

[MrBond]

I like how the OW who was his "soulmate" promptly dumped him. I think he's more embarrassed than anything else and sees everyone ganging up on him. His "fight or flight" response has been kicked in.