Spouse Suffering From Depression

[Lucky11too]

Hmm, not exactly sure how to feel. We are obviously not (or should I say he's not) at a point where we are ready to move back in together yet. There's still too much that he needs to overcome for himself in order for us to have the possibility of a healthy R. So that much being said, it's going to be a little eye opening to me on his intentions once I find out how long his lease is for. I would assume they would have 6 months lease, but I don't know if he took it or not. More than likely, it's probably a 12 month lease, but I need to find out. In good news, I know where he's living this time. I haven't heard the final unit #, but I know the complex. I'm a little suspicious on his intentions for renting there. There's a 24 hour Fitness in walking distance, which he says is great b/c he wants to start working out again, but in the negative, it is also in walking distance to one of the biggest hot spots in the area - that's party central! In asking how I feel, I guess in reality, I feel pretty discouraged. I feel like I've chosen family life and he's chosen the party life and never the two shall meet. While he loves S and he seems to still love me, I don't see him being willing to sacrafice that life for us. I think he will always try to have the best of both worlds, but it just doesn't work that way. To be honest, part of me feels like just giving up and just telling H that we're just two different people on two different roads. But on the other hand, no matter how hopeless it seems, I still need to give him that chance to prove me wrong. =/

I talked to H briefly this morning b/c S is sick, but it was a bad connection. From what I could get out of it, he said he couldn't sleep b/c he had too much on his mind with the move and everything. He also said something about this not being a long term solution. I want to talk to him more about all this in person so I can actually understand him and hopefully at that point, he'll still be willing to talk about it all.

Regarding the surgery, unfortunately, I still don't see a move up in the date. Even though the living situation is under control now, the next excuse is that it's going to be NBA finals during that time and they will be too busy for him to leave. See, ecxactly, always something! He said he would get it done today if he could, but other things just keep coming up. Hello, priorities! Your health or work? Your family or work? It's always turns out the same...

[Lucky11too]

It's been kind of a weird weekend for me - a lot on my mind. I haven't seen H b/c he has been packing all weekend getting ready for the move today. I texted him on Friday to see if he was planning on coming down or if he needed to start packing and he replied that he had tons going on that night. So, ok, I made my own plans then. I got a call from a friend who wanted to hang out, so I took her up on that. That night, H texted me to ask what I was up to (normally code for I'm vaguely going to ask you what you're up to to see if I can come over) so I told him, and asked him, and he said he was leaving work and "was spent". I never repsonded back to that b/c I was busy now and wasn't going to ask him to come over, but I kind of have the feeling that's what he wanted. I have a problem with worrying about what H is feeling, but I just kept reminding myself that it's not my problem. I can argue it both ways to myself, which is kind of silly, but ultimately it comes down to the fact that H is in charge of his own life and decisions, and nobody should feel responsible for that except himself. Yesterday, I updated him on S (he's been particularly fussy the last couple of days) and volunteered to help if he needed anything. I later texted him that night to see how the packing went and he said he didn't get much done b/c he was on full ADD mode. Once again, I let him know, that if he needed it, I would be there to help. So we'll see what today holds.

The reason why it was weird for me this weekend was b/c I kept thinking about H and how he fits into my life. I watched a chick flick with my g/f on Friday night and was thinking how I hadn't seen one more a long time b/c H won't watch them with me even though I'll watch his crazy "shoot-em up" movies. You know, how about a little give and take here! My parents rented the Blind Side on Saturday, which I really liked, but I found myself thinking, H would have for sure fallin asleep in this movie. Then we got S a swing set, which my dad and I put together, and I thought how H wouldn't have helped me with this. And at church thinking how H would have been critiquing the people and pastor, etc. See, I don't know, kind of weird. Not sure why this was all going thru my mind. It's like I don't have or can't remember any positives with H. I'm really struggling emotional to have the strength to endure the next 9 months that this might take, while "H decides what he wants to do". I can see why but I don't get why this decision is so hard for him. Sacrifice that party life and you'll find out how much rewarding life can be with a loving family. I just always see other families out taking their kids to the park or on bike rides and it makes me so sad. S is such an amazing kid and H thinks he does but really has no idea how awesome S really is. The smile S had on his face when he was playing on his new swingset is something so priceless, that H will never understand or see. =/

[awest1217]

I completely understand the S part. My S is so wonderful and H never really understands how great he is. Then to go weeks without seeing him and weeks without even asking about him. I just don't get it. I don't understand how anybody can not want to change their life for their children because a child will give you unconditional love that not even a spouse can give. They are so loving and to not change for your child...I just don't get it.

I have friends who are the same way. They were partiers and got pregnant. Then after the baby was born...still go out and party. I just don't get it.

You are very strong and if you want to stick this out more I know that you can do it.

[Lucky11too]

I just don't get it either. Having a child changes your life (or should change your life)! I knew my H liked to go out, but I honestly believed (and he told me) that he was a family guy and would give up that partying lifestyle. Instead it went the opposite direction and he became even more of a party guy! Can you say quarter life crisis?

This is such an exciting time with S right now. He is just really beginning to open up, saying new words, express his feelings (including love), etc. I just look at him and feel so happy. I think about H and how he is missing all this, but that's his choice.

Interactions with H have been lilmited. Since he was been focused on moving, I haven't seen him since last Wednesday (and that was only briefly). I asked him how the moving went on Sunday and texted back and forth then. Then yesterday, he texted about about how sore his back was from moving and about his first bartending shift (normally he is the manager, but he wanted to try out the bartending shift b/c they actually make tips), so then we texted back and forth a bit then. I joked with him that he better not get too comfortable in his new place and he joked back "haha, no promises". I know we were in a joking tone b/c it's still not very comforting.

It's hard not to let things go thru your mind though. I offered to help H but he never took me up on it (which is probably good anyways b/c I could stay with S), but then I'm already wondering if any of his girl friends have been over there yet or if he's ever going to let me come over. It might just be the little things that build up and make me blow. If he tries to play that game with me that I can't come over to his "bat cave" or won't tell me where he lives again, then I have to question his motives with me and have to let him know that is not ok. We're either working on us or not. No more of these stupid games.

So, we could possibly be spending a lot of time together this weekend. He already told me he took my birthday off on Saturday (which probably means he won't come over on Friday then) and then he got Easter off on Sunday too. For Easter, S and I will be spending the morning with my family and attending church, then heading over to the inlaws big gathering for the easter egg hunt, etc. So it could be a fun weekend.

[awest1217]

My H was always and still does not like me going where he is living. I never was allowed in his house and neither was S, but OW could stay there as much as she wanted. I just don't get how if you want a relationship that you keep part of yourself hidden. It is all things that you have to decide on your own how much you want to take now that he does have his own place.

I hope this weekend goes well with seeing H so much and that all the interactions are positive.

[awest1217]

I want to wish you a very Happy Birthday! Hope this weekend is great!

[Lucky11too]

Thanks so much for the birthday wishes! =)

As one would expect, it's been an event last couple of days - the good with the bad. Let's see if I can recount all of it now.

So after not seeing H for forever, he finally came over briefly on Thursday night to say hi. Earlier that day, he tried to play an April fools joke on me and his friends, texting that a friend of theirs had played a huge April fools joke on them, and they actually weren't getting foreclosed on and didn't have to move. I know H's tricks, so I totally didn't fall for it, but he got others with it. So anyways, that night he stops by and I invite him to stay for dinner but says he has to leave shortly b/c he has to help one of his friends with their car. Then dinner time comes and I'm kind of trying to say good bye, but he doesn't leave. I could tell he really didn't want to go. Finally he does leave and say's "see you on Saturday". See, I totally called it, no Friday night with me b/c we were hanging out on Saturday night.

Friday was slow. We texted back and forth a little. He asks what I want for my b-day. Later he texts on how bummed he was to leave us the previous night, but that he was looking forward to seeing us Sat and Sun. To me, that's great and I could tell he was bummed, but then why not come Friday night and see us then? He ended up going out to play pool with one of his guy friends instead, which then meant he was up all night, which meant he wouldn't be there to see S in the morning - his prime time. But at 1am, I got "happy birthday" text. So taking it in a positive light, I'm glad he was thinking about me.

So Saturday, I didn't really hear from him. He said he weas going to be there by the afternoon, so at 3, I finally text him to see where he was at, b/c we were about to start S's Easter Egg hunt and then dinner was going to be at 5. He said he didn't know when he would be over, so we just did the hunt without him. He so missed out! It was S's first time and it was absolutely adorable! He had so much fun "finding" the eggs and opening the little surprises (toddler treats =P). I recorded it so I was able to show H later, but is still not the same. H calls me like 30 mins before we were eating to say he was having a total ADD day and was just finshing getting ready and then was going to go to the store to get my present and then would be over (note: it takes him a minumum of 30mins just to drive over depending on traffic). I told him to just forget about the present and get over here now b/c he was going to completely miss dinner! Oh, I was irritated! We started eating without him, but then he comes about 10 minutes later with the most beautiful roses I had ever seen, plus Easter flowers for my mom! What a nice surprise! He said he just could come empty handy for my birthday, so stopped at the local flower shop. The rest of the evening went relatively well. S was kind of cranky, but we got to have a nice dinner, presents, and dessert. H kept asking if I wanted to do something that night, but I was just kind of like, I''m doing what I want to do - spending time with the ones I love. We stayed in a just watched a movie and H gave me a great backrub.

Then it was time for pillow talk. Yep, uh oh. H was taking about some of the goals he had listed with his thearapist that he was finally meeting - getting his own place, getting a bar tending shift. And there was one about the R with his dad that he hadn't met. I asked if there was anything about me in any of goals. He said that just the one about deciding what he wants with me by the end of the year (I still like that goal b/c I know that one way or another, I'm going to have some closure the year end and not go thru another year of limbo for 2011). So then I brought up the next question - how long is the rent lease? At first he didn't want to answer me, but then he finally told me he wanted it to go thru the end of October, so it ended up being a 7 month lease. I didn't ask, but I'm wondering, why October and not December??? This is what led to the most negative part of the whole weekend - with him basically saying that I wasn't going to ever be invited over there. Then he starts on this speal about (I think he called it) his "boundaries" over there and how I wasn't allowed in his boundaries. So then I asked then what was New Years, Valentines, and our Anniversary, where I spent time in his boundaries? He responds that I was just a guest. Huh? Then I say that he's sharing his boundaries with me now b/c he's over here with me, but he says that's ok, b/c we're in my boundary. OMG, are you serious? I let it go, b/c I didn't want to get into right then, but this conversation is far from over. That's not the way it's going to work. He's either going to let me be a part of his life completely or not at all. I have completely opened up everything in my life to him, so it's not fair for him to try to lead these two lives. Yes, I know we have a long way to go on many levels, but to purposely exclude me completely from a portion of his life is just not cool. And it's not that I trying to get him to spend every waking moment together but it's just keeping himself open to me in all areas of his life.

Lastly, Easter was pretty good. My family went to church in the morning, which H refused to go to, so he just went and hung out at his mom's. After, S and I took a much needed nap, and then it was time to go to the inlaws gathering for food, egg hunt, and fun. We had a little scare with that big 7.2 earthquake that hit just below the border. We sure got a big shake! Luckily it was more of a rolling motion this time, so didn't cause much damage. I was freaked b/c it lasted so long, but I tried to stay calm so I wouldn't scare S. H called us immediately to make sure we were ok. We then went to the party around 4 and had a great time. S did great at the egg hunt and it was fun to see all the family. H had another surprise in store for me. He bought me a birthday cake and his whole family sang happy birthday to me! That was really sweet! =) H left around 7:45 to go his friends house for their party. So really, if you think about it, we really didn't have that much time together. Just Sat night and then Sun afternoon, but that was probably enough. So last note (which I think is a really good thing) is H texted me last night - "Hope you had a good bday. I'm not really used to celebrating without partying. But I do enjoy your company. Just wish my asthma didn't act up so badly. Nite bday girl" =) I'm glad he was able to see that you can "celebrate" without having to party and still have a good time. I just responded that I did have a great birthday and how it was the best gift just spending it with the ones I love and thanked him for coming and for the flowers and cake.

Wow! Yes, sorry this is so long, but a lot to report in 1 week! I feel a lot of emotions. I feel like H really really tried in so many ways, but I'm just so concerned in his desire to keep apart of his life away from me. All the little things he did were just so awesome, but what does it all mean? A lot to ponder...

[Lucky11too]

In need of advice! I received a text last night from H that said:
"I wish I were normal and can love you unconditionally again. But I'm still soo angry and bitter. I still feel so betrayed. I'm soo sick of struggling just to feel like I am maintaining a normal life."

I'm not sure what prompted this, so even though I was half asleep, I still tried to wake up enough to respond. I just said back (to validate his feels yet build a togetherness): "I know it's tough. I just hope we can work thru all those feelings together. I know it's not easy & will take time, but I think we're worth that fight." And that was it for the night.

What can I do with this situation to make the most of it? I don't even know what kind of mood he'll be in now - if he just hit a momentary low point last night and will be completely over it or if he just fell back into his next hole. And how much do I push to be there for him without overdoing it? Do I contact him today or try to follow up on his feelins? I just hope I handled it alright last night, but I just want to make sure we can take this and still continue in a positive direction.

[awest1217]

It sounds like he is tired of everything in his life not just your R. I would encourage him when the opening comes to go to the doctor and get his surgery. I would also say do what feels right. You did well with how you responded last night so follow your gut. Are you sure it wasn't a drunk text?

[rr22]

Not to sound harsh, but it sounds like your H is twisting what he hears in therapy to hear what he wants to hear. Your boundaries should be the same. If you're not allowed in his apartment, meet him on the sidewalk or in a restaurant to see him. He does not get to pop in and out of your life and house and then call it a "boundary" when he wants to bar you from his.

He should not receive five times more than he gives or that makes you a doormat. You're an invader when you go over there and he's a guest when he comes to your place? How does that make you feel?

I would not argue about it. But I would seriously consider drawing the welcome at the welcome mat. Not to be tit for tat but to preserve your dignity so you don't feel like a doormat.

THat's your boundary. That if he treats you as less than a coworker, then you assume he is less than a coworker to you. You meet coworkers at coffee shops.

You could model what being normal looks like and take the high road. But you might also wind up resentful if you do so. Because he will be laying on your sofa and saying you can't step in his hallway and then bragging that it is a "boundary"? What?

Someone please correct me if I'm wrong. And I might be...