Do I validate during the conversation tonight? How do I do it?
Him: I feel dead inside It's been over for a long time There's nothing left inside of me You're broken ("dark side") I don't know if I have it inside me to try/go on You're too volatile/violent (I do NOT want to validate THIS lie) There's nothing we can do to change things OW had nothing to do with this, she's innocent We'll never be able to save this M We'll never be able to get the love back
Again, I couldn't disagree more strongly. Luv ya, Saffie, but you're wrong on this one. People in CURRENTLY ACTIVE affairs are NOT going to "say something useful" to their betrayed spouses about repairing their marriage. To the contrary, they're going to lie, obfuscate, gaslight and DEFLECT.
I'm sorry, I just don't agree. If I had left my H to just stew at this time he would have gone to OW and been gone. IT was a 180 listening to him.....and something sort of makes me feel it might be the same for passenger.
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I agree that there will come a time for REAL mutual soul-searching -- and conversation -- between the two of them about their marital problems, but at this VERY raw and early stage, NOTHING USEFUL is going to come out of such an exchange, in my opinion.
You are welcome to your opinion as I am mine. I am not claiming that an exchange at this time would cause it all to be sorted and go to happy ever after, I just think this constant refusal to meet her H and listen to him is pouring petrol on the flames.
No disrespect passenger, but one can see from your responses that you like to poke and prod and control. If that is what you have done historically that might be why you are in this sitch. That might be why listening to your H might help. I wouldn't even respond very much apart from the normal "I'm sorry you feel that way..." etc. platitudes. Just listen.
This is important, it is your family and your M....you can't run away from him forever.....and IMO better he tells you about what's on his mind than MIL, FIL, etc....who he goes and tells that he is trying to fix things but you won't listen!
Saffie me 46 H 46 M in 1986 D20,D18,S16,D13 H's A 01/05 to 07/06 H recommitted to M 07/06 renewed vows 09/06 Going from strength to strength
You're too volatile/violent (I do NOT want to validate THIS lie)
I would just say that you were saddened that that was his percerption of how things were.
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OW had nothing to do with this, she's innocent
Agree she is symptonm and not the cause, but her being there stops you two communicating as you should.
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I don't know if I have it inside me to try/go on There's nothing we can do to change things We'll never be able to save this M We'll never be able to get the love back
Well let's go to Retro and see if this is true.
Saffie me 46 H 46 M in 1986 D20,D18,S16,D13 H's A 01/05 to 07/06 H recommitted to M 07/06 renewed vows 09/06 Going from strength to strength
You are welcome to your opinion as I am mine. I am not claiming that an exchange at this time would cause it all to be sorted and go to happy ever after, I just think this constant refusal to meet her H and listen to him is pouring petrol on the flames.
I would contend that she is "allowing him to burn for awhile," rather than "pouring petrol on the flames," but I do hear you, Saffie.
I don't think she should avoid him forever. I just don't that the agenda right now should be dictated by the one person in the marriage who DOESN'T have its best interests at heart at the moment (and that's an understatement).
Well, I don't listen well, I've read books recently and become a better listener, you have me nailed there. But by the same token, H hasn't exactly been forthcoming with his feelings. He's not a sharer/talker.
I guess just biting my tongue tonight and LISTENING will go a LONG way towards making him feel like he may be able to get through. Maybe give a little hope to him?
I'm going to listen to him tonight. Knowing full well that he's going to spew hatred and lies, but I think he'll be shocked I'm listening. In fact, I am willing to bet it angers him.
And no, Puppy, snarky made me laugh. I do have some pretty pearls, I may just put them on so I can remember your comments and keep a little light heartedness in the forefront.
You're too volatile/violent (I do NOT want to validate THIS lie)
I would just say that you were saddened that that was his percerption of how things were.
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OW had nothing to do with this, she's innocent
Agree she is symptonm and not the cause, but her being there stops you two communicating as you should.
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I don't know if I have it inside me to try/go on There's nothing we can do to change things We'll never be able to save this M We'll never be able to get the love back
Well let's go to Retro and see if this is true.
if you DO talk to him, Passenger, these are all excellent responses.
So this will be a 180 for him - time to sit up and listen as you have said passenger IMO. Just make sure you do let it wash over - if you have some - take a valium without him knowing. Zone out if it gets too bad. Just sit and take it.
I had to do the same thing for around three hours when my 17yr old had a tantrum. My H couldn't believe how I kept my cool with all the spew she was coming out with - in my head I just kept repeating "I will not give her the satisfaction of seeing me angry". In the end it was she who broke down.
Saffie me 46 H 46 M in 1986 D20,D18,S16,D13 H's A 01/05 to 07/06 H recommitted to M 07/06 renewed vows 09/06 Going from strength to strength
You know, I was thinking as I reviewed the responses I can be prepared with (to keep emotions at bay) and he feels I control everything and I've told him I want him to stand up and be a man... so, Puppy, I hear ya, but on this one, I've asked him to take the lead and this is so out of the box for him. Instead of the June Cleaver comment, I may just say "finally, you're standing up and being a man, thank you."
You know, I was thinking as I reviewed the responses I can be prepared with (to keep emotions at bay) and he feels I control everything and I've told him I want him to stand up and be a man... so, Puppy, I hear ya, but on this one, I've asked him to take the lead and this is so out of the box for him. Instead of the June Cleaver comment, I may just say "finally, you're standing up and being a man, thank you."
If you like Neanderthal, then sure -- just expect more of the same.
