THANK YOU so much for replying. I am really struggling right now and you have said some really helpful things and asked some thought provoking questions. Let me answer/respond best I can;
First of all, I am out a LOT. I have a full-time job and then I also work as a wedding photographer on the weekends. That's part of the problem. W sees me as being gone all the time and really, lately, we have less and less to show for it. She says she just needs to have friends again. She needs to have adult interaction. She says she has a hard time believing me, but I want that for her. That said, I have a long history of being somewhat anti-social and distrusting of her friends, even before the affair so...
Direct answers:
"Can you defuse the fear and resentment trigger about going out and cultivating a separate life by discussing it in MC"
She totally rejects any kind of therapy. I went when we were going through the affair. It helped a lot but she never showed any interest in what I was doing or going herself.
"Is it the amount of time she spends out, that you don't do the same, that you don't have shared time out together?"
Not really (yet) and yes. So far, she's only been out a handful of times, and says that's all it will ever be. Maybe once a week, once every couple weeks. Then again, on Easter we had plans to see a movie as a family after my parents left and all of a sudden after they left she said she didn't feel like going to the movie and she was going to go out with her friends instead. That hurt. Of course we had an argument about it, all the while she remained fairly calm and informed me that I was over-reacting and making a huge deal out of what was just a group of friends having dinner. Never mind that this one guy is the only one of these people who ever seems to call her.
"Is this something that can be discussed openly in counseling preventatively so you don't alienate W by allowing yourself to be triggered (and understandably)?"
I am trying. It seems like I do well for a bit, then go back to being triggered and act like an ass (as you say, justifiably so sometimes). For her part, she does things that don't help like staying out much later than she says, not calling, etc. She claims that my need for her to check in is a lot of what's making her feel like daddy is watching over her.
The rest of what you suggested may be addressed by those responses.
I am going to try to stop allowing myself to be triggered by the same things over and over.
One important part of my history is that my wife admitted the first affair shortly after it started and really didn't try to hide it. This time is different because she is still claiming that she has no intention of being with this guy and no matter what his feelings are (and I am fairly sure what they are) she is ONLY a friend to him. She even made sure to tell me that she loved me and only wanted me but just needed to have a life too. That was one of the first convos we had when she went out with these people the first time. Since then there have been HUGE blow-out fights and lots said (especially when she's been drinking) that have done a lot of damage. That's part of what I want to try to stop.
I can't help but feel like I am over-reacting to a certain extent. I know all about EA's but I also know that there are plenty of people who have friends of the opposite sex. I am trying to rectify the fact that I actually DO trust my wife to a certain extent. I believe her when she says nothing is going on but what I don't believe is that there will never be something going on. Do I just work on my issues and for lack of better word "trust" her for now? I want so much to do that but it's really hard.
