What about if MIL emails her and says yes, he's a cheater? I think there's a crack in the facade and maybe the doubt would be that much more if his own mother backs up my story.
Don't have OWH's email and he's not on facebook. I'd have to call him and she's been picking up his phone.
I don't even see the ways I control. Thanks to all of you Saffie and Puppy especially. I didn't see that as controlling. I guess I need an attitude adjustment. I just saw a crack and although I don't believe she's not going to see him anymore, I really wanted to believe it was enough of a crack that we could push it to the end right here and now.
I'm at lunch, off to GAL. H is demanding to see me NOW and I want to leave the office before he walks up here.
What about if MIL emails her and says yes, he's a cheater? I think there's a crack in the facade and maybe the doubt would be that much more if his own mother backs up my story.
You're assuming she (OW) doesn't know the truth. Don't be so quick to make that assumption.
Just as (more?) likely, she KNOWS what your husband is, and just isn't willing to face it. After all, he's cheating with HER, isn't he? Doesn't that pretty much MAKE him a cheater already?
Look, don't get me wrong -- I'm ALL ABOUT controlling the endgame. But all you can do is paint the corners of the box for the other people involved; THEY have to make their own decisions within that. Otherwise, it'll drive you batty.
You’re sorry I believe OUR marriage issues are OUR problem?
So, you can’t make time for a talk about our marriage, huh? What I need to discuss with you will take MUCH more time than is available before Scouts and on a lunch break. I guess it’s not much of a priority for you then and it looks like you’ve already made up your mind as to the direction we’re headed.
Why don’t you see if you can get our money back for the seminar then, as I’m sure that $650 would come in handy for attorney fees and such
Ok - he's lashing out, but don't you think you need to talk?
Not getting into R talks when one is taking the 'Bo-Peep' route is one thing, but at this stage you need to calm him down and get him to Retro.
OW is a symptom, and perhaps you need to acknowledge that, but also state that one can't work on a M when there are three people involved , and so A with OW has to end, and THEN you two can see what you are going to do.
Passenger - you need to stop reacting to people and perhaps open your ears and listen a bit. Your H might just say something you find useful to repairing your M.
You have exposed what was going on, now is the time to sit back and wait.
Saffie me 46 H 46 M in 1986 D20,D18,S16,D13 H's A 01/05 to 07/06 H recommitted to M 07/06 renewed vows 09/06 Going from strength to strength
OW is a symptom, and perhaps you need to acknowledge that, but also state that one can't work on a M when there are three people involved , and so A with OW has to end, and THEN you two can see what you are going to do.
Saffie, I thought that's what she very clearly did:
Quote:
I know all about your infidelity You are hurting me, the kids, and your whole family I want you to break it off with her immediately I want us to work on our marriage
It doesn't get much clearer than that.
I'm sorry, but I disagree -- I don't think it's Passenger's job to "calm down" her husband, if he's UN-calm because she has exposed his infidelity.
It's not her job to rescue him from his discomfort; on the contrary, I think it is BENEFICIAL for him to remain "in the crucible" for awhile.
Passenger - you need to stop reacting to people and perhaps open your ears and listen a bit. Your H might just say something you find useful to repairing your M.
Again, I couldn't disagree more strongly. Luv ya, Saffie, but you're wrong on this one. People in CURRENTLY ACTIVE affairs are NOT going to "say something useful" to their betrayed spouses about repairing their marriage. To the contrary, they're going to lie, obfuscate, gaslight and DEFLECT.
I agree that there will come a time for REAL mutual soul-searching -- and conversation -- between the two of them about their marital problems, but at this VERY raw and early stage, NOTHING USEFUL is going to come out of such an exchange, in my opinion.
Him: I need to talk with you and I need to talk now.
Me: Right now I am at work, I have something very important to do at lunch. Tonight is family night and I promised Brandi to take her out for flip flops. Why the urgency?
Him: Just the fact that I tell you it’s urgent we speak should be enough. We will speak tonight after the kids go to bed at 9:30.
Is it against the rules for me to respond. "Yeah, because you're been the bastion of honesty and priorities." LOL. JK guys. JK.
Him: Just the fact that I tell you it’s urgent we speak should be enough. We will speak tonight after the kids go to bed at 9:30.
A: "Oh please. Let me see if I can scrape up my June Cleaver apron and pearls by then. Shall I wear my hair down, so it will be easier for you to drag me by it? LOL.
Fine, if you want to talk at 9:30, I suppose I can't stop you. But please stop making such Neanderthal demands to me while I'm at work; it's very unattractive."
More seriously, Passenger, I think you will regret if you allow him to set your hoop-jumping agenda at this crucial point. If the two of you are living together, and he wants to talk, I suppose you can't stop him, but I would NOT give him ANY ANSWERS WHATSOEVER during such a talk. "OK, I've heard you when you say _________ . What else?" and "I'm sorry, I'm not prepared to discuss any major decisions right now" should be your answers.
Just LISTEN; "ask nothing; expect nothing" is what I say. If he LIES to you, end the conversation. If he RAISES HIS VOICE to you, ask him to lower it, or you'll end the conversation, and then stick to that. If he's rude or disrespectful, end the conversation. If he asks you to make any decisions, tell him "I'm sorry, I'm not prepared to discuss any major decisions right now."
If it were me, I would damned sure NOT be available at 9:30, but that's just me, and I'm probably the "high test score" on the snarky scale that you might want to consider throwing out.
H is demanding to see me NOW and I want to leave the office before he walks up here.