Number 8's Revelations, Mistakes, and New Methods

[trytryagain]

8-
just read through your thread...i don't know why i haven't before. our stories are eerily similar. my H has said SO MANY of the things your H said to you that night in the car (with no sushi!), how he wants me to be with someone who can make me happy and he just can't see us being happy together for the rest of our lives. he also left on 1/2/2010, and officially moved out and into his own apartment at the end of january. last week he came over, sobbed in my arms for about 3 hours about what a failure he was and how sorry he was, and asked me to sign a separation agreement. i am no professional, but if he's not clinically depressed, then i know absolutely nothing about human behavior.

you said your H was on meds...i'm assuming they were anti-depressants? when you said something about your H starting home improvement projects and not finishing them, it really struck a cord with me, my H did that kind of stuff ALL THE TIME. he was diagnosed with adult ADHD about 2 years ago, and leaving unfinished projects all over the place is a very typical ADHD behavior. my H is currently in IC, but he said his C doesn't focus much on the ADHD.

i, like you, feel that my H is so lost in the muck of the emotional state that he's in that he doesn't know which way is up. he seems to feel like he's a complete failure and deserves everything he's brought on himself and i can't seem to talk him out of it. i've also read the chapters in DR on depression, but i just don't know how to reach him.

at one point a few weeks ago, he asked me if i would consider counseling together. i reacted the wrong way (with anger), and i'm sure he more or less felt like i kicked him while he was already down. there has been no real explanation for any of this, no other woman...just him telling me it's not going to work, he's too messed up and he needs to work on himself right now. on february 14, we had a lovely dinner where we enjoyed each other's company and he even kissed me several times and told me how much he missed me. by early last week, he said that all of those behaviors were just him missing "us" so much that he thought he could see some hope...but it didn't last.

like you, i'm taking it one day at a time. trying not to lose hope, but i can't pull H out of this funk that he's in, and i also don't want to be with someone who doesn't want to be with me and/or who continually questions the commitment that we made (this is the 2nd time we've separated in 2.5 years of marriage). the last time i saw him, i don't know...it's just like he's so far gone i hardly know who he is anymore. he cried in my arms and told me he felt lost, empty and broken. i said maybe this was not the best time to be making big decisions, but...there's no getting through to him right now.

as for his family, i have heard NIL from them. i spoke to my SIL a few times back in january, but have heard nothing from any of them since then, and not a peep out of his mother. they take a very strong stance of not being involved, although my SIL told me back in january that none of them supported the idea of us getting D, but they were just trying to be there for my H.

right before he moved out, my H and i sat on the kitchen floor and he cried about how he had tried and tried to make things work. last week he said he was sorry for giving up and he hoped that one day i'd be able to forgive him. i can't be angry...only sad that there is nothing i can do. i've done my best to be supportive and someone for him to lean on. i'm just worried that he's too far gone at this point.

i didn't mean to make this all about me, i just thought it was odd how many similarities there were in our stories. enjoy your vacation...i could use one of those myself!