embracing change

[givingitmyall]

FM,

Sorry you are having a rough patch. It will pass.

I have to remind myself how hope and hopelessness affect me.

Hoplessness affects us all the same way. It causes depression. See,

Today I can say that I am feeling depressed.

My favorite book on this is "Learned Optimism" by Martin Seligman. Real life changer for me.

I also have a sense of dread, feeling that I am a sitting duck for whatever bomb H drops next, whether it's OW, or his GAL plans, or D proceedings. I need to get in charge of my life.

You can't control what he does, only how you react to it. So, focus on what you can control.

As usual, I am incredibly unenthusiastic about GAL plans. Must think of something.

No, you need to DO something. Anything to occupy your mind. And get your feet moving.

And, by the way, this is the hoplessness talking. It's understandable, but that's what HAS to change. Everything else will follow suit.

We probably all felt hopeless at a time in our situations - I did. But, what you have to face is the worst case scenario. What if the worst happened (it harldy ever does)? You still have your kids. You still have your whole life ahead of you. So many things to experience and learn.

If you can face your worst case scenario, then realize it is NOT the end of the world, then there is nothing left to fear. Then you start living your life b/c the eventual result of your M (over which you have no control) does not scare you any more. Doesn't mean it won't hurt, but it doesn't cower you.

On the hopelessness issue, why do you feel that way? I mean, the core of why you feel hopeless? Is it a rational fear/thought causing you to feel hopeless (they usually aren't)? If it isn't, then change your thought to a reasonable one (I may end up D'd, but I still have a lot in my life and many new things out there to discover and experience).

Once you change your thoughts, your emotions will follow. Thought follows emotion. Not the other way around.

[motherof3]

(((FM)))

I also have a sense of dread, feeling that I am a sitting duck for whatever bomb H drops next, whether it's OW, or his GAL plans, or D proceedings.

This dread gets to me every once in awhile too. I have learned to expect or prepare for the worst and hope for the best. I have also accepted the fact that whatever the outcome, I am going to survive and be okay.

Reread GIMA's post, he has a way with words.

[givingitmyall]

Thought follows emotion. Not the other way around.

Obviously typing too fast. What I meant to say was emotion follows thought.

[ImprovedRomeo]

((FM))

You've got some really good advice, I posted earlier to luvless today and I think I'll probably repeat that same suggestion here.

In addition, yes, to an extent we're all a sitting duck but it doesn't have to be that bad. Like someone already mentioned if you prepare yourself for the worst possible senario but hope for the best then there's nothing else to fear. In my case, I know my W drops bombs one after the other when I least expect them and so I know one of these days she'll say 'I've filed for D, just thought I'd let you know' like she did to me last time. My response will be 'whatever makes you happy sweetheart' and then just go on. Let them have what they so so crave and think is the magic pill...because it's not. D is not the end of your life or even an end of your R with your H. You can always reconcile after if you choose to do so.

Kids wise...yes they feel stuff, there's not much you can do about it other than to give them LOTS of love which you already do...and then they just grow up tough!! What doesn't kill you only makes you stronger!

Make a list of things to do, little things and start crossing them off. It feels good to have a purpose no matter how small, you feel useful and you feel in control...again read my reply to luvless it may help. Other than that...hit up some of us on FB and chat! sometimes everyone's gotta vent.

((hugs))

[Number 8]

flowmom, I have a really hard time feeling like I'm at the mercy of my H. I've always been very independent and self-sufficient, but all that seems to have gone right out the window since H and I separated. He alone has the power to destroy or restore. I hate when I feel powerless or like I have no control. In other words, I know what you mean about feeling like a sitting duck.

[The Wifey]

You can not let your happiness rest on things outside of your control. Like a runner with a stitch in their side, push past the pain and focus on you, what you want, and what you enjoy!

[flowmom]

Thanks for all the support and replies everyone. You all make good points. GIMA, I agree with everything that you wrote and that book is on my list to read. I am working on changing the thoughts.

I had some good talks with my sister and a close friend yesterday. They have actually been pretty devastated by my sitch themselves. My sister said that she felt sad that my IC and the AD aren't working out for me...she knows what I've had to overcome to actually get help.

[rr22]

In addition to instilling hope in yourself for reconciliation, maybe you could seek out the company of positive women who are divorced single mothers. Sure there are great and happy role models out there. You need to face this fear that you will be miserable if you wind up single awhile. It's giving H and reconciliation too much power. If he's going to stay unrealistic and unreflective and demanding, you could wind up miserable the rest of your life reconciled with him too. Too many factors are in play. Yes, if he wants to work on M is a factor. But also whether he is willing or able to work on his part that helped get you here. You're also still in the early, early bomb months, so cut yourself some slack at least until your sleep gets settled.

[Number 8]

You're also still in the early, early bomb months, so cut yourself some slack at least until your sleep gets settled.

rr22, thanks for reminding me (and flowmom, too, of course--it's her thread, after all) of this. Most of the time, it feels like it's been an eternity since H and I separated. However, in terms of separation, I'm still in the early months, too. I don't want to force anything too soon, and I have to frequently tell myself that it hasn't been an inordinately long amount of time (especially where separations are concerned). Incidentally, if I happen to forget how much time has passed, I have my helpful father to remind me how long my H has been gone. He gives me these frequent calendar/passage-of-time updates at least once a week.

I've been working my way (slowly and piece by piece) through a really good book. I've learned that approximately 80% of all married couples separate for two months or longer some time during their marriages. I've also become aware of the four-stage cycle of premature reconciliation and the four stages of successful reconciliation. I'm now working on defining my values and getting into the chapter where I create my plan of action to "get my partner back." I really want to reconcile with my H, but I'm also very glad I carefully read about the dangers of premature reconciliation. It makes me feel like I can be more patient (though I don't have much choice!).

[flowmom]

I have a long stretch of time today to myself -- from noon today until tomorrow morning.

In consultation with my sister, this is my self care plan for today:

1. go for a walk in the rain with children this morning
2. chanting
3. go to Dr.
4. complete taxes
5. possibly nap

No GAL in there, but frankly I need a personal victory more than I need GAL right now. The taxes aren't going away, and H will be bugging me about them soon.