Good luck at IC! Hope you get a good one. I"ll be curious to hear what IC has to say.
From the texts, sounds like H is feeling ineffectual. Whether he felt that way in the past or whether it's since the separation, not sure. He sounds like he feels judged about his manhood and effectiveness by you and your dad. This may have been a problem he had in your M that he secretly kept to himself and now with the distance you are seeing his comments more clearly. Or they're new and came with the depression. Still what people obsess about when depressed does provide clues, right?
The "workhorse" stuff sounds like the "he did all he could do" stuff he said earlier. Whether it is a history rewrite or him feeling overwhelmed or is literally true in that he did all he could THINK OF to do at the time (under stress or depression), who knows?
8- just read through your thread...i don't know why i haven't before. our stories are eerily similar. my H has said SO MANY of the things your H said to you that night in the car (with no sushi!), how he wants me to be with someone who can make me happy and he just can't see us being happy together for the rest of our lives. he also left on 1/2/2010, and officially moved out and into his own apartment at the end of january. last week he came over, sobbed in my arms for about 3 hours about what a failure he was and how sorry he was, and asked me to sign a separation agreement. i am no professional, but if he's not clinically depressed, then i know absolutely nothing about human behavior.
you said your H was on meds...i'm assuming they were anti-depressants? when you said something about your H starting home improvement projects and not finishing them, it really struck a cord with me, my H did that kind of stuff ALL THE TIME. he was diagnosed with adult ADHD about 2 years ago, and leaving unfinished projects all over the place is a very typical ADHD behavior. my H is currently in IC, but he said his C doesn't focus much on the ADHD.
i, like you, feel that my H is so lost in the muck of the emotional state that he's in that he doesn't know which way is up. he seems to feel like he's a complete failure and deserves everything he's brought on himself and i can't seem to talk him out of it. i've also read the chapters in DR on depression, but i just don't know how to reach him.
at one point a few weeks ago, he asked me if i would consider counseling together. i reacted the wrong way (with anger), and i'm sure he more or less felt like i kicked him while he was already down. there has been no real explanation for any of this, no other woman...just him telling me it's not going to work, he's too messed up and he needs to work on himself right now. on february 14, we had a lovely dinner where we enjoyed each other's company and he even kissed me several times and told me how much he missed me. by early last week, he said that all of those behaviors were just him missing "us" so much that he thought he could see some hope...but it didn't last.
like you, i'm taking it one day at a time. trying not to lose hope, but i can't pull H out of this funk that he's in, and i also don't want to be with someone who doesn't want to be with me and/or who continually questions the commitment that we made (this is the 2nd time we've separated in 2.5 years of marriage). the last time i saw him, i don't know...it's just like he's so far gone i hardly know who he is anymore. he cried in my arms and told me he felt lost, empty and broken. i said maybe this was not the best time to be making big decisions, but...there's no getting through to him right now.
as for his family, i have heard NIL from them. i spoke to my SIL a few times back in january, but have heard nothing from any of them since then, and not a peep out of his mother. they take a very strong stance of not being involved, although my SIL told me back in january that none of them supported the idea of us getting D, but they were just trying to be there for my H.
right before he moved out, my H and i sat on the kitchen floor and he cried about how he had tried and tried to make things work. last week he said he was sorry for giving up and he hoped that one day i'd be able to forgive him. i can't be angry...only sad that there is nothing i can do. i've done my best to be supportive and someone for him to lean on. i'm just worried that he's too far gone at this point.
i didn't mean to make this all about me, i just thought it was odd how many similarities there were in our stories. enjoy your vacation...i could use one of those myself!
Me30 H29 M2.5 T5 H moved out 1/23/2010 H wants signed agreement 3/30/2010 ...feeling hopeless
I'm stunned by what H said in those texts. I'm still reeling from his words. I'm glad you pointed out that he's providing clues. I'm going to have to really examine these things. So intriguing.
I had a good first visit with the IC. She's very kind, and I think this will be a good partnership. We spent the majority of the time with her getting my back story, but she had a few things to share. We're meeting again a week from today.
Here's the brief summary of our first appointment:
*I can only do something about or to help myself *If my H has depression or other mental issues, then they need to be addressed, not ignored [I know!] *My H's depression will not be mine to fix *She will help me focus on what I have control over and where I can affect change. She will also help me learn to let go of what I can't control *It seems like my H and I have a lot of misunderstood communication. We could learn new methods, but we both would have to practice and work on them together *She will help me examine what I'm responsible for and what I'm not *If there is no change or willingness on H's part, then what I see is what I will get. If that's the case, then I'll have to decide what I can live with *She emphasized that explaining things to H won't help; I won't be able to convince him of anything; he must realize issues/his unhappiness on his own *I need to focus on my sleep, my appetite, and my leisure activities *She will use some cognitive behavioral therapy to help with my anxiety
I'm looking forward to the next visit. I'm excited about what this could do for me.
Oh, I almost forgot to include my father's take on my going to a counselor!
My father called me mid-morning to see if I could run an errand for him at 12:30. I told him that I could do it later but that I had an appointment at 12. I told him where I was going and why.
His response is sure to be an instant classic in my book.
He said (voice raised, of course), "Well, hell, they're gonna tell you to kick his a$$ out of the house! That's what they'll say! They oughta say that, anyway!"
Then he mumbled something about a "no good son of a [edited for content]" before we said goodbye.
I WISH my IC had said yeah, kick his a$$ (or kick his a@@ out, as the case may be)!
On clues, texts, and miscommunications... my H had built a whole world of stuff in his head that he thought I thought that I never thought. MINDREADING and PROJECTION. There were things that I had said that were twisted and magnified, things I shouldn't have said, and stuff that was utterly his issues being projected on me (and, I'm sure, vice versa me doing that a bit to him). That's why you should listen carefully to his kneejerk comments now.. like the one's about YOUR $, YOUR SECURITY, YOUR HOUSE SUCCESS, and him feeling ineffectual and like you and your family thought he wasn't a good man. This is stuff you can address if it's a longstanding misperception on H's part. Or even a current paranoia caused by GUILT. It's good to know this stuff if he's never going to say anything directly but blame you for being depressed after your Mom died. Good luck!
Sounds like we are all seeing counselors now - does this mean out walk-aways are making us crazy?
Me: 45 WAW: 45 | M22 | T25 | No Kids Nov 09 W Filed | Dec 09 Separation Mar 17 2010 Divorce Papers Signed | Divorce Hearing Cancelled Moved back home May 2010 PA Confirmed June 2010 | W left Dec 7 2010
