H4L Im so proud of you hun! amongst all the pain you must be feeling you have booted yourself up the derrier and dragged yourself on kicking and screaming no mean feat my dear!
Regardless of how H reacts this is going to bring a new you into your life one I reckon when you get used to it you will never let go even if it means letting H go instead, its a journey we all have to do and arrive at, I know how hard it is to put aside everything and say to yourself I will now deal with this alone!
Im sorry I dont get on here as much at the moment, but you are always in my thoughts, prayers and hope for a much better outcome for you what ever it looks like! You give yourself far too hard time for what you deem to be failing, youre not failing you have held youre head up high, got on with things as best as you can, looked after you little one no mean feat on your own and had all along H throwing toys at you from every direction because he's not grown up enough to go deal with his own sh*t!
You can always and I mean always message me on the alt, I can get to that far easier without being detected on my iphone and get back to asap!
Rabbit xx
____________________________
W 47 H 47 M 24 T 30
Once lost but now found and happily married again!
Good for you H4L. Every hour that you maintain dimness is a personal victory for you, and a SUCCESS. In the book that I'm reading, Buddha’s Brain: The Practical Neuroscience of Happiness, Love, and Wisdom, the author emphasizes that our brains actually have a bias towards accumulating negative memories and experiences. So the first step in feeling happier is actively working on "letting in the good". Some of the good can be celebrating one's accommplishments, like yours yesterday (Gno was advising me to do that just yesterday ). Apparently even if you experience a negative event, creating a good experience within a short time period (like an hour) actually changes how the negative event gets encoded in memory.
I know you're hurting a lot...we're all pulling for you.
me: 42 | STBXH: 41 | T: 18 | M: 10 | separation: Jan 3, 2010 | they deserve better: S7 & D4 current thread: http://tinyurl.com/3y8sxcp .: first breathe, then heal, then start LIVING :.
Hope- pls check in and let us know how you slept and how you're doing today- IC appt? etc.
Also want to know what your plan for today is and what sorts of strategies you're going to use for coping, taking care of yourself, avoiding H as much as possible, etc--
(((Hope)))
When the men on the chessboard Get up and tell you where to go; And you've just had some kind of mushroom And your mind is moving slow; Go ask Alice... I think she'll know.
I went to IC today and feel better. I sat in the sun and ate something for the first time in four days. I kept S in daycare for an extra hour so I could rest, and I laid in the sun. Positive things for me.
H is calling me now - he's nervous because I told him over the weekend that I am considering going to a lawyer and renegotiating our settlement agreement. He explained everything about his drug experiences, and tried to reassure me that he is not addicted and that he has only used those things a number of times. If I can believe that, and I hope I can, I think I can, then it's not an issue where S is concerned and that's all I care about. However, H now thinks if I go to a lawyer and decide to start war of the roses I could still throw that out at him ... I don't want to do that but when I"m angry, I do think about it ... but I doubt I am the kind of person to do that. I told him that, hope he believes me too. He also talked about the money and reassured me that he is going to pay the exact amount in the settlement agreement every month and document - it's been more flexible up till now. He also reminded me of a "handshake agreement" we made that if he makes more money on particular months from consulting, I will get a portion of it.
So I scared him into behaving.
That is good.
But you all know what I really want is to have my H look at himself and stop blaming me and running away.
But he's gone on a business trip until Thursday so I think that is why I can breathe a bit more and relax now.
Laura, you are right - I know you must understand because your husband is verbally abusive too - I need to set better boundaries. My IC kept repeating that H is mean and condescending and that I"m not to blame. To be understanding of my self that I"m also suffering now from the pain of wanting love from someone who can be so hurtful. He says I"m bullied and verbally hammered and that I need to have compassion for myself that this hurts as much as physical bruises, or more.
IT's hard to believe the man I fell in love iwth is like this. And it's hard to swallow that he will not look at it or change for the sake of our family. That's when I get indignant and want to slam him in a D to prove that he's abusive and get more custody. I don't really want to do that, except that it is a real fear with my S. What I want is for him to have a reality check on his own behavior. But I may never see that in my lifetime and that scares me for how my S is learning to treat women.That is also why in California I wish I could have more than 50% custody - he's going to be exposed to a father who believes this is how men behave. H learned it from his father too. I don't know how to protect S. IF I lived in a different state, I might automatically get more than 50% custody - and could be the stronger influence.
Don't know if this will help much but in my first marriage. My wife left me with our two girls (3mo and 3 yrs) I found out later that she was addicted to coke but that is another story. But what I wanted to tell you is that when we first split up she wanted to see the girls every weekend. But when the weekend came around she would think of an excuse why she couldn't see them. I made up excuses for her to the 3yo telling her mommy was sick that day or mommy had business to take care of. The 3yo was always disappointed. So I started waiting until the day W was supposed to see them and confirmed she would be there BEFORE I told the girls they were going to see Mommy...
And if I claim to be a wise man, well It surely means that I don't know
Your S may not be as exposed to it as you think. My H is terrible with ME, but was careful not to do it around my S. Not that your S can't pick it up--I think my (and he's now 14 BTW) son realizes his dad is short-tempered.
I do a LOT of communicating with my son. I love what I have learned here. I know my S's LL, I know how to validate him, I am positive with him, he knows God and is very spiritual.
We talk about how to manage our anger and what is appropriate, and the consequenses if he chooses violence. I AM going to stop this cycle. (although I don't know where it started--my F in Law is NOT this way). My H learned to bully somewhere--maybe I taught him?? Wow--there is a thought for ya!
That is good but it doesn't represent real change on his part. He has demonstrated that he is capable of taking legal advantage of your willingness to reconcile and you really have to watch for that now that you have raised the spectre of being more assertive legally.
Originally Posted By: Hope4Luv
But you all know what I really want is to have my H look at himself and stop blaming me and running away.
I hope that you get your wish. But IMO it's going to take time if it happens. You want to talk it through but the only thing that you should trust at this point is action on your H's part. He has used talk to gain your trust and give himself the upper hand.
(((H4L)))
me: 42 | STBXH: 41 | T: 18 | M: 10 | separation: Jan 3, 2010 | they deserve better: S7 & D4 current thread: http://tinyurl.com/3y8sxcp .: first breathe, then heal, then start LIVING :.
). Apparently even if you experience a negative event, creating a good experience within a short time period (like an hour) actually changes how the negative event gets encoded in memory.