Show of hands - expose or not - success stories

[saffie]

What do I tell OWH to do? Expose and do it quick? Tell OW he wants to work on the M and then back off and GAL himself?

You can't tell OHW what to do. All you can do is tell him what is going on - he has to make his own decisions. If you try telling OWH what to do you really are trying to be a control freak; he has to walk his own path- even if it doesn't fit in with your plans - his W, his M; he is not your friend.

"Until such time as you are ready to say you are breaking it off with her in order to communicate with your wife and try to work on our marriage, I don't have anything that I need to hear from you."

You have got no bargaining power here as far as I can see it. Your H seems to want to walk. Looks to me like you need to calm this down a notch or two and at least talk to him a bit - still get him to Retro so at least you can learn to communicate effectively.

We all know OW isn't innocent, but just remember NEITHER were you when you were OW and I bet your H used a similar script on you, friends, and family then. One needs to get to the bottom of why he acts like this - ie. he can't say what he really feels in his M's for some reason and so he runs to OW for self validation.

I think there is more to your H's As' than meets the eye and maybe getting to Retro will give you the tools to get him to open up. IMO, you need to start playing a more listening game now that you have busted it open - less controlling. Getting him in MC/ IC may help also. I think there is stuff he is not facing up to about himself as a person.

Ignoring your H will not sort this out.

BTW - Puppy's two posts above are good - read them and read them again.