What you mentioned in this last post is so familiar to me... although in my case we don't have children (a huge difference I know!).
First. The porn addiction issue is something that needs to be addressed whether you are with someone or not. In fact, it had to be addressed before you went into any sort of relationships, but let's not look back. I think this should not be mixed with your marriage issues, in a way it's a separate thing altogether. Restaurant waitress/W not feeling attractive/happy are just some ripples of this issue. It's not about 'how do I make her understand?'. It's got nothing to do with her. It's 'how do I want to be' if that makes sense.
When you say 'happy', what is it? What do you value? How do you picture yourself growing older, how will you be like when you are 60? Are you surrounded by happy family members, are you with a young sexy chick? Do you really want to quit porn addiction, or do you just want everything the way you like it? You need to assess what you value the most in your life.
>She knew about what she feels is a major transgression against marriage (porn), but she didn't tell me ever
In some cultures, porn/ sex is not something you talk about at all. In my culture, a 'decent woman' is supposed to avoid the subject altogether, even with her boyfriend/ husband. When I was a teenager I was instilled with a thought that getting any pleasures out of sex is dirty, especially if you're a woman. Talking about it is unthinkable. When you grow up in one culture not knowing another, you assume it's pretty much the same in the rest of the world… not to mention that M means you are ready to commit (sorted out issues). Did she perhaps have the impression that you will address the porn issue once you are M? Did you ask her if she's ok to live with your addiction? In my culture it makes sense that she didn't tell you… a man is getting a wife, of course he will address this issue, how can a woman tell a man what to do? He is a man. (= strong and responsible) Her culture is a male-dominant one isn't it?
Dropping out of English class in 4 months… it sounds like she didn't enjoy it or was too busy? Learning a language is not just about the grammar. It's about learning the whole culture (history, music, sports, politics, TV, anything). Without knowing the culture behind it, it's difficult to understand, let alone joke with someone. I studied for a few years in the UK then came back here as an adult but I still struggle, as I don't know any cricket players, names of politicians or what TV dramas my friends watched as teenagers. Often I don't get it at all and it's no easy task to blend in. When I came back here I told myself only the good things about UK. I made such a huge life decision to leave my family and country behind, I couldn't afford to be unhappy… I had to justify the sad feeling of being so far from family! I was busy adjusting and exploring my surroundings for about 2 years, and when I got used to things and when I went home for a visit, it suddenly hit me that I miss home terribly, that it's an enormous pressure to be in a different surroundings (no place to relax).
As for not telling her family about the problems… I do the same. What can they do, they are continents away. They will be worried sick and talking over the phone is not the same as seeing them face to face. It's not like her parents can sit both of you down and help you, they are so far.
>For example, we are supposed to be buying a house this week. She won't join me to even look at the styles.
Does she want to buy a house as well? When my husband suggested the same, I refused as we already had M issues and buying a house will chain me to this country. I felt that if we split, it's going to be another issue to solve and I won't be able to move back to my home country.
>I'm starting to realize that the porn prob maybe why she was so focused on English (so she could be strong enough to leave or to be better than those I saw on film?)
Is it for your children, to communicate better with their teachers and help with their homework?
Please OTMT, please understand that even standing at a starting line is a huge struggle for us from another culture. Even if we chose to come here, even if we love it, it doesn't mean we'll adjust just fine. I was a very sociable person before I left my country and although I like where I am, I have become very quiet, an introvert. It takes a long time to build a close friendship with someone… it's not like you can make it your home so easily. Just because there are so many migrants and they all seem to be doing alright, not everyone is… especially if you are in an intercultural marriage, because there is no where you can relax. Together with M issues, it's an extremely lonely life and a tough one.
