Yep... but this is the family therapist's job, to keep him honest and give him the good family advice he needs to hear... instead of OW's cries for help...
Thank you, I will look for a FT with an infidelity background so I'm ready. We had what I thought was a good MC but in hindsight it was really obvious that H was involved with someone else and I really think this guy should have known it. I went back once by myself and said my mom had figured it out, and he said he hadn't!
There's no way I'm going to sit and wait in a corner for months, but I am going to watch what H does for a week or so. Timing is everything, I've learned. H really does seem to have changed some since the PA discovery, and I do wonder if he was thinking of trying to work things out (he was starting to pursue me more) and he thinks he's blown it. So I don't want to blow it myself by jumping the gun. I do wish I'd had all of this about four months ago, when it would have had a full chance of working, but doesn't everyone here say that. Thanks.
M: 35 H: 34 S: 8 Married: 12 years Together: 16 years Bomb: 11/2/09 Sep: 1/1/10 EA confirmed: 11/2/09 PA confirmed: 3/28/10
The thing is, exposure CAN pressure the WS to reconsider their options, that's why I reccomend it.
Unfortunately this just pushes them enough to explore BOTH the affair AND the marriage... it isn't enough pressure to push them to sign off on the third party... there's no incentive to end the affair, unless there is considerable pressure from the exposure.
You may get him to give you a second glance, but the affair is addictive, it requries a LOT of pressure to get them to put a stop to it.
Most of us regret not exposing sooner, its a huge push forward to ending the affair... most of us are hesitant to expose for fear of driving our spouses away.. it too me months before I did it.
You will have to gauge when you are ready to pressure him to stop but don't wait too long. Over time your health begins to fail and your respect for him as well.. and he becomes increasingly emotionally addicted to his affair too.
Its hard to find a GOOD FT. Its best to have a good list of questions. Interview them like they are giong to be working for you... becuase they ARE! FOr whatever reason professionals don't seem to think they need to be interviewed, they just offer you their services and expect you to trust them.
Don't trust them.
They can do mroe damage than they can help more often than not. Quiz them on how they handle infidelity cases, whom they have read (see if they can even name ONE infidelity expert or reference ONE BOOK on infidelity.. if they can't... LOSE THEM). Scan the office to see what books they have there. Ask tehm what their plan of attack would be... Ask them if they WOULD addres the affair before any work on the marriage, etc
You basically KNOW the plan you want them to go at... you just need to be sure they are with your program or not. YOu just want their professionalism and their third party visibility...
Most people will respond much faster to a FT than to their spouse on these matters.
A GOOD FT can spot a liar quickly... if they can't tell he's lying to them tehn they aren't very good at their job. Infidelity is an addiction and they shoudl be ready for a LOT of tall tales coming from him...
I can't believe it's been two and a half months since all that happened. I had a conversation with WH a few days later but he claimed I misinterpreted what he said about not rushing into things (a divorce) or being happy with me some day. He's still involved with OW as far as I know, but I've never once gotten the impression that he's "in love" with her, more very good friends with benefits? At this point I would like a divorce since I cannot go back to him the way he was and he's still involved with OW, not to mention he's said nothing about any uncertainty and I really have no choice in the matter anyway.
So I cut him off even more so he couldn't hurt me anymore with his A, but a month ago we had a two hour conversation until late in the night after something came up with OW and we texted a couple times and then he called me to talk (an acquaintance figured out the A). I wasn't eager to share a lot of information and tried to get off the phone about five or six times but he kept asking me to keep talking. Some R talk, but more about my life now and our families. I know I should ask more about his life but I'm happier knowing as little as possible with OW involved. He did mention that I never send texts or emails about my feelings about the divorce/affair anymore, maybe he misses them? Surely not. And he's said a few times that he's not happy.
I am pretty much over the anger and hurt of WH's affair and his leaving. I bought the abandonment book everyone talks about because I thought I was doing too well and in denial or something but it turns out I've been through all the stages so I think I'm okay, but I guess time will tell! Every time I soften up WH shows a lot of interest, so I softened up a little a couple weeks ago because I was tired of being so standoffish and H has gone back to standing too close, asking about my life, etc. again. He's clearly trying to reconnect some but I don't know if he even knows it. I ignore it when he starts ogling again, I don't know if he wants me to see or if he thinks I can't tell. He even asked me if I appreciated that he'd stopped.
This week I asked if he'd like to take our son to lunch while I had an appointment near H's work (I never refuse when he asks to see S outside of regular visitation times but I rarely offer more, he gets him every weekend and sees him midweek), and afterwards they went to a video arcade and he asked if I'd pick S up there. H was very friendly to me, complimentary about my appearance, found me a game he thought I'd like (he was right), and managed to touch me to show me how to play and give me a quick pat on the behind as he walked away. I still cannot believe he did that, but didn't mention it. It is way over the line for our current relationship.
Then he wanted to talk about doing the divorce paperwork. I have no real problems starting the paperwork, I think it will be good for him to face the reality of the situation and I actually want a divorce from the man he is now. We got into an R talk, at his prodding (I didn't see this one coming until I was in the middle of it) and I came off as way too "on board" with the divorce. I've been happier and more at peace than I have in years (maybe ever) without his negativity, and I don't think he's changed, and even if he has, he's still involved with OW. He always wants to know my feelings when we get into these talks and I tried to walk off to stop it a few times but he'd follow me and touch my arm and prod me to continue.
So now he's coming over tomorrow to my place to work on the parenting plan. He's more than clear that there will be no hanky panky after he was caught leaving the hotel with OW, but he clearly has a lot of attraction towards me (he always did but I also look better than I ever have in my life, I think that's the best thing women can do in this situation. Also helps with external validation from other men, you need some at times like these!). I send him a flirty glance or smile every once in a while and there is a lot of sexual tension between us (he feels we're incompatible sexually since I was completely emotionally unengaged by the end).
I feel if I bring up any level of doubt about the divorce that will give him all the power back and he'll just reiterate why we have to. In fact, he did that yesterday even though I said nothing against the divorce (said we were meant to be together to have our S but not to live together. I did say that no kid is meant to go through this). I feel like he wanted me to express some doubt or ask for us to try to work things out, and when I mentioned finding a new man he actually cringed. But he's doing all the pursuing, and it seems to be working.
So, if anyone answers, should I say anything about being open to reconciliation if he changes? The whole thing is so weird, it doesn't seem like some of the other situations in which the cheating spouse can't see their spouse because of OP. It's funny to want a divorce and yet not be able to give up the ghost, I guess because of our son. I don't want to be the one who stands in the way of reconciliation, but there's not much I can do, either.
M: 35 H: 34 S: 8 Married: 12 years Together: 16 years Bomb: 11/2/09 Sep: 1/1/10 EA confirmed: 11/2/09 PA confirmed: 3/28/10
I don't understand why youa re communicating with him at all while he's cheating... Its just inviting him to cake eat and is NOT going to make him want to end anything... It's just gonig to allow im to keep playing you both if you show interest...
My advice is the same as before and always.. SHUT HIM OUT of your LIFE and do NOT let him IN until he recognizes he's cheating and ENDS IT...
Expose to family members hwat he's donig... Don't lie to cover up his affair.. How is it an acquaintance just NOW finds out about the affair if its been going on since march?
You should be exposign what he's doing to family so they pressure him to STOP... not keeping his secrets for him.. It just sends a message that you approve of his affair
The ENTIRE FAMILY should know so they PRESSURE HIM... while YOU shut him OUT...
I just see a very ineffective strategy being used up to this point...
