As far as I can tell, a lot of her self-esteem issues/depression have been around before we got married. Me and my problems just made it worse.
I mean, think about this. She knew about what she feels is a major transgression against marriage (porn), but she didn't tell me ever. Had I not decided that I wanted to really break boundaries of trust with her in March & get help toward stopping this addiction, she could've gone on knowing forever. You need low self-esteem to not mention an issue that would lead toward considering harming ones self or divorce. But certainly, the problem itself made it worse.
Like in the restaurant. June seems to makes sense to me in saying my glance when she's feeling crushed about porn was hurtful and ignorant. It wasn't on purpose, she was our server. It was my first attempt at a private romantic dinner since our 1st year of marriage. I just made it worse.
I think you're right, at times I feel nervous and might get edgy over that. Through journalling and IC, I think a lot of that is because I feel alone in having to make decisions. If she listens, she just doesn't care. For example, we are supposed to be buying a house this week. She won't join me to even look at the styles. When going through neighbourhoods, she only asked about bussing. I get that she trusts me, but I am Canadian and I have been raised to think major decisions are a chance to unify a couple, or at least a shared responsibility. The current house we're in she didn't even want to see when we bought it.
I realize the porn and other issues may explain a lot. But it also just made each problem worse, too. My biggest issue from Gottman's work was 'condescending' her when I felt flooded. I clearly have work to do, still!
Imagining...I imagined moving would be hard. You know, for the first year, she swore up and down that she didn't feel homesick at all. Only last year did she admit the truth. With her depressions & self-esteem issues/sensitivities, it is hard to imagine and act accordingly, because she doesn't know what she wants. Also, she has a real problem asking for what she wants. Retrouvaille really helped here at first, because it gave me the facts I needed to begin empathizing with her. Unfortunately, she doesn't want to do the daily work and may now have a job on the weekends during our follow-up sessions.
As far as language, I was told she knew English when we married(nope), and I expected to live with our religion coming first to unify us. She didn't. She married because she felt right doing it, wanted to marry a westerner, and because she felt drawn to me without knowing me. Once she got to Canada, she didn't want b/control so & she got pregnant.
Despite this, I insisted she go to English classes (for which she has always been thankful). She dropped out in her 4th month in Canada, so she never got really far. For a couple years, despite me hoping to raise a bilingual family, I insisted on English at home. After that, she refused to speak anything but. As I write this, I'm starting to realize that the porn prob maybe why she was so focused on English (so she could be strong enough to leave or to be better than those I saw on film?).
So here I am, noticing "she is, she does, she didn't"
I should probably erase that. I guess I'm really defending myself for whatever reason. Gotta stop that - sorry.
She won't talk to any of her family about our problems or hers because she wants to protect them. Bad choice, but I can't change that. She's only given a some details to her sister in NY, but that sister's getting shipped back to her country by her stupid & irreligious husband to save money. (AGHH)
So...long story short (?) You made some great points for me and others to reconsider - thanks!
