Looking for help with WAW

[gucci loafer]

That is all fine and good if you want to tell her that about not paying half..

I am warning you though that it isn't going to do you a bit of good. She is going to think the same thoughts I am thinking...

Why is it ok for you to NOT want to clean the carpets and are willing to pay half? So it is ok to hire it when YOU don't want to do the work, but NOT ok when she wants to hire it done and you don't...


Ever heard of "win the battle but lose the war"?

That is where this is heading...

More than likely she will say to you..."Whatever, I just want to get it on the market. NOW. Fine. I will pay for it to be cleaned and I will have them in there asap."

So you won the battle....

[mza8]

Gucci, now we're getting somehwere! Finally someone is standing up to me. I like it. Where have you been? This is EXACTLY what I have been struggling with for the past few weeks. What in the hell to do with this damn house? Your thoughts were almost verbatim of what my W said to me.

Just to be paint a clear picture here. She took the joint money and has it in a different account that I do not have access to. You can read back for the full story but the short version is she was upset that I didn't call her back for 4 days. I was trying NC and it backfired on me. She has been paying the electric bill (only after I moved out) for the house from the joint money. She will not pay for the car since I am driving it although it is in both of our names. So I have been paying for the car and car insurance. She has our joint money to pay for any type of cleaning crew she wants to bring in. So it's not a point of me paying for half. She has our money. She would pay for the cleaning. Again, I don't agree with the house cleaners because it's something we can do ourselves and save money. She has not done anything to help with the house and I think it's something she should do to help. I am ok with the carpet cleaner because we have some significant stains in the carpet that I don't think we would get out on our own, that's why I think we need a professional to clean it. Those are my motivations, no hidden agendas. So in my opinion she is doing what she wants.

However, your point is well taken about winning the battle and losing the war. I absolutely agree with this way of thinking. I've been trying to follow this way of thinking during this process. If I had a crystal ball and knew for sure if selling the house would help to save my M, then I would do it today. My question that I struggle with is, if she will not ever want to reconcile, then perhaps I should look out for me here and keep the house? I do want to keep the house. I do not want to sell it. After my business closed, my W and I are in the process of rebuilding our credit. If I sell this house, I do not envision being able to purchase another home for a few years due to the credit issue. If I had my W back, yes, absolutely, I would sell the house and happily move into an apartment with my W. However, if she never comes back then I would at least have my house. It pains me to think of losing my W and my house. It would take me a long time to buy a house again by myself. What's ironic about this whole thing is that last summer my W even told me that we could sell the house and move into an apartment and I could work my realtor job full time. She would have been ok with me just doing that job. At the time I thought that I could get a job and keep the house. I'm sure this did not please her.

So to answer your question if I'm stalling. I'll give you an honest answer. Yes, I am stallling. This is a tough decision for the reasons I mentioned. I've run this by my counselor, my family, my friends and they all have different answers. This is a HUGE decision...one that could make or break any chance of reconciliation. Robx is right, I don't want to sell but how do I tell her that? She would go through the roof. I'll get a thousand questions from her. How can you afford it? Are you going to buy me out? We need to sign something now that says you're going to assume the debt. etc. etc. Then she'll get angry, very angry. So do I sacrifice what I want for a woman who may or may not reconcile with me? Who continues to say she doesn't want to reconcile? Who (after 5 months) won't even talk to me about the M and why she left? Who won't even go to counseling with me to talk?

See where I'm going with this? I know, I know, you might say that I need to take the chance if I want any possibility of saving my M. I do see some small positive signs from her very recently. Last week she said she has seen consistent changes in me for the past two weeks after I was all over the place for the previous few months.

I don't want to lose any more respect from my W. I know that my stalling with this house is not helping. To be honest I really don't care too much if she brings in a house cleaner. I don't even care if she uses our joint money to pay for it. These are small insignificant items to me. The big items are saving the M and how to do this. The other big issue is the house.

Gucci, give it to me straight here. After reading this post, do you still think selling the house is the right thing to do? Rob or anyone else, I would be happy to hear all opinions. W and I will probably talk buy phone tomorrow. I think I'll tell her that I'm ok with her bringing in the house cleaner and I won't mention using the joint money to pay for it. I'll just tell her that I'm ok with it. I can even thank her for taking care of it if you think that would be appropriate? It would be a 180 for me and would be blow her mind. It would be the exact opposite of what she would be expecting from me. She would expect more stalling from me, more excuses.

Regarding the house, maybe just tell her that let's shoot for next weekend to put it on the market and not this weekend. This will give me time to finsh the necessary house work and also give me one more week to think about what to do.
This would also give her a date when I will be ready, what she is looking for.

Gucci, you can't hurt my feelings with anything you say so please continue to be honest with me. I feel like this stage in the process will have a tremendous affect on what happens to this M.

Thanks again for taking the time to check in. I'm ready to tackle this issue and put it behind me. I want to get to the next stage with my W to try to put this M back together.

[gucci loafer]

Gucci, give it to me straight here. After reading this post, do you still think selling the house is the right thing to do?

My point wasn't a matter of selling the house. You have led her to believe that is what you were doing. No?


You are now sounding like you really don't want to sell it.
This is you being wishy washy. Wishy washy is another unatttactive trait women don't respond well to.

Stop being wishy washy. Make a DECISION. Sell or not sell.
If you decide to sell, then MAKE it happen... Show her decisiveness and get it on the market.


IF you don't want to sell then what in the world are you doing leading her to believe you are selling it? Again. Wishy washy. Not good.


If I were you I wouldn't sell it. PERIOD.

"Wife, I have been doing some thinking and I have decided that I am NOT going to sell this house. I WANT it."


Time to step up to the plate and assume she is going through with the divorce. Take care of numero uno....


Be decisive and stick to it. Buy her out or figure out something else. Do NOT sell if you want it. That would be stupid and silly. I am not into stupid or silly. Are you?

[mza8]

gucci, got it. Thanks for clarifying for me.

I have lead her to believe that I was on board with selling the house. I want to keep it. I have been NC with her hoping she would just leave me alone for a while. I wanted time to think. She keeps contacting me about it though. It gets old.

Yes, I have been wishy washy. I can tell it aggravates her.

I don't want to think that hope is lost and assume she is going through with D but I think I know what you meant. Look out for me and if the M works out then great.

[Glimmerman]

mza8

Your changes for you are fantastic, no question, and this is simply my opinion. I am not an expert, but I am learning something while going through my own marital struggle right now. That is simply this...I am not sure your wife feels like she is being heard and valued. You seem to do many things your way.

I understand you are a real estate professional, and you like the house. But, you WIFE has wanted it on the market for some time. If I remember correct, in one of your posts, your FIL gave you a hint this is what your wife wanted also.

I know you want to save money, and that's understandable. In a recent conversation with my wife (who has filed), she told me I didn't need to be so cheap about everything. Let her plant the flowers, it sounds like she enjoys that. But for goodness sakes man, spend the money to bring in the house cleaners.

Spending money on something SHE values just might help you some. Something that I have learned from my C and from some others who have been guiding me is to put myself in my wife's shoes when I have a decision to make. Just food for thought...

[Glimmerman]

I like gucci loafer's post to you yesterday at 8:33 pm. Let me ask you a question....from this point on, wouldn't agreeing with how your wife wants to handle the house be a 180 for you? She might even feel like she's being listened to.

You never know what kind of conversation can come about from a wife who realizes she's being listened to....

[mza8]

Glimmerman, thank you. Your advice is sound. Your comment about my W feeling like she is not heard or valued is spot on. You give me something to think about. My C told me the same...to value my W's opinion and hear her. What you just said hit me like a ton of bricks. I have been working so hard on certain improvements but in the process I have forgotten to value my W. How can I expect to make any progress with her if I don't show her that I do value her opinion. Thank you again Glimmerman, I needed that, I needed that reminder. Puts it all in perspective for me.

I think you're right. I have been doing things my way. I know she wants to sell it. I just feel like I need a little more time to come to terms with it. I'm going to tell her to bring in the house cleaners.

Thank you Glimmerman.

[mza8]

Glimmerman, yes, it would be a 180 for me...a BIG 180 when it comes to the house. It would be interesting to see how she would respond if I went along with how she wanted to handle the house. It would be nice to find out...

[gucci loafer]

I can tell you how she is going to respond.

She is going to be GLAD.

You are not listening.. She WANTS the house sold. Selling the house when you really don't want to just to prove a 180 is not being smart.


Your choice here, but she is on a mission to sell the house.
Agreeing with her will get you one thing. THE HOUSE BEING SOLD. However, like I told you earlier. If you are going to sell it, then step up the pace. It is only irritating her more because her mind is made up. It isn't helping you to slow it down. Either get with the program and sell it or take a stand a tell her you want it.

Since I last posted you have gone wishy washy yet again.

I strongly suspect OM. Women that want to hurry these things almost without exception have another man in the wings.

[Glimmerman]

This may be a bad example, I don't know, but here's kind of how I would think about it. A lot of the things that women get done at the spa, they could do to themselves at home. So why do they spend the money to go to the spa?

So, if you paid to do something that your wife COULD do to save money, is it possible that could send a message to her that you are listening to her AND value her?

I am not certain if it goes against DB rules or not, but you might consider thinking about saying something like this to your wife.

In your 11:10 post in paragraph 6, you put "these are small insignificant items to ME". Your wife has seemingly brought it up often enough that it is NOT insignificant to HER.

Not trying to beat up on you....these are things I'm learning as I'm in the middle of trying to save my own marriage. Part of the reason my wife is a WAW is she got tired of me doing everything my way. I am in your same boat in that I hope it's not too late for me also. I think part of the 180's is your wife TRUSTING that's how the "new" you is going to stay.