Need some advice with WAH

[Swiss Miss]

Well, I've blown all those cards.

There have been 3 D-Days, the EA one back in November, after which he stayed to work it out and said he'd gone no contact. Turned out terribly, he dragged me to MC and couldn't decide whether to try or not.

The second D-Day is the one that led to him moving out, he took almost everything he owned and it was with the full intent to divorce. I found an e-mail from OW's husband in my H's email trash that said H and OW had had a couple of weekends together. I told pretty much everyone (would have handled it better without the preceding weeks of hell, as I call them). I don't tend to fall apart but I kind of had a break with reality. I told his mother right away (while sobbing, whoops) because I didn't want him to be able to cover it up too much but of course he vilified me up one way and down the other and his parents believe he crossed a line but never touched her.

His mother still calls me her daughter-in-law, we've always been close and that is the hardest part. So I think she and I'm sure my FIL wants it to work out. They don't know the PA has now been confirmed. H told me he told them he was meeting a friend for coffee when he went to meet OW at the hotel (needed them to watch our son for an hour). Then he told me they did have coffee! Must have been a busy hour.

I've really not left him any place to go, I don't think, and I wish I would have handled it better.. We do have a couple we're friends with and their kids are my son's best friends, and they are talking to him, but totally opposed to his behavior. He knows this but they do have to see him because of the kids.

H has told me that when he said there was too much damage, he meant he had to repair himself. Giving up OW seems like the first step, but I guess it's not that obvious. At the time he clearly meant I'd done too much damage to him, I think, so he's rewriting history in my favor at least.

I don't ask much about OW, only when something big comes up. She's been married for 10 years and is staying with her H in an in-house separation, from what I can gather, for 18 months. He goes back and forth about telling her to get out now, but they have two small kids who wouldn't see him otherwise. So I did tell him, and he didn't want to believe it despite catching her lying several times. He finally claimed there is no way they could have seen each other on the dates I mentioned, and H has confirmed that they did, so I think she told them H wants to get back with me to calm him down. H didn't really get mad at me for this, but he knows I didn't do it for me.

Overwhelming guilt may be right on. My mom owns a store and the other day our son wanted to stop in. H wouldn't have done it but my mom was out of town and as it happens, H's best friend's mother works there and she said he didn't speak to her and looked panicked the whole time. That is why I shouldn't have exposed so much but it was impossible to hide from her, she was with my mom when I called her after I found the email and my mom said a few choice words that left no doubt as to what was happening. It was either cheating or he'd beaten me, and let's face it, he looks better cheating than that.

As for consequences, I don't have much left. We're essentially living as a divorced couple, I've even moved. He clearly still feels a lot for me but is having an early, mild MLC too. He complained I'm too independent and OW "needs" him, I'm sure, to make it through her marriage crisis and deal with her "Jerry Springer-esque" H. So that will drag on forever. I'm trying to find situations in which to let him help, but with so much distance it's hard. I have found a couple though.

Thanks again, I'm not sure if there's that much to work with here though. He knows I am totally opposed to his PA, and as far as he knows I want a divorce due to that.