Looking for help with WAW

[mza8]

Gucci, now we're getting somehwere! Finally someone is standing up to me. I like it. Where have you been? This is EXACTLY what I have been struggling with for the past few weeks. What in the hell to do with this damn house? Your thoughts were almost verbatim of what my W said to me.

Just to be paint a clear picture here. She took the joint money and has it in a different account that I do not have access to. You can read back for the full story but the short version is she was upset that I didn't call her back for 4 days. I was trying NC and it backfired on me. She has been paying the electric bill (only after I moved out) for the house from the joint money. She will not pay for the car since I am driving it although it is in both of our names. So I have been paying for the car and car insurance. She has our joint money to pay for any type of cleaning crew she wants to bring in. So it's not a point of me paying for half. She has our money. She would pay for the cleaning. Again, I don't agree with the house cleaners because it's something we can do ourselves and save money. She has not done anything to help with the house and I think it's something she should do to help. I am ok with the carpet cleaner because we have some significant stains in the carpet that I don't think we would get out on our own, that's why I think we need a professional to clean it. Those are my motivations, no hidden agendas. So in my opinion she is doing what she wants.

However, your point is well taken about winning the battle and losing the war. I absolutely agree with this way of thinking. I've been trying to follow this way of thinking during this process. If I had a crystal ball and knew for sure if selling the house would help to save my M, then I would do it today. My question that I struggle with is, if she will not ever want to reconcile, then perhaps I should look out for me here and keep the house? I do want to keep the house. I do not want to sell it. After my business closed, my W and I are in the process of rebuilding our credit. If I sell this house, I do not envision being able to purchase another home for a few years due to the credit issue. If I had my W back, yes, absolutely, I would sell the house and happily move into an apartment with my W. However, if she never comes back then I would at least have my house. It pains me to think of losing my W and my house. It would take me a long time to buy a house again by myself. What's ironic about this whole thing is that last summer my W even told me that we could sell the house and move into an apartment and I could work my realtor job full time. She would have been ok with me just doing that job. At the time I thought that I could get a job and keep the house. I'm sure this did not please her.

So to answer your question if I'm stalling. I'll give you an honest answer. Yes, I am stallling. This is a tough decision for the reasons I mentioned. I've run this by my counselor, my family, my friends and they all have different answers. This is a HUGE decision...one that could make or break any chance of reconciliation. Robx is right, I don't want to sell but how do I tell her that? She would go through the roof. I'll get a thousand questions from her. How can you afford it? Are you going to buy me out? We need to sign something now that says you're going to assume the debt. etc. etc. Then she'll get angry, very angry. So do I sacrifice what I want for a woman who may or may not reconcile with me? Who continues to say she doesn't want to reconcile? Who (after 5 months) won't even talk to me about the M and why she left? Who won't even go to counseling with me to talk?

See where I'm going with this? I know, I know, you might say that I need to take the chance if I want any possibility of saving my M. I do see some small positive signs from her very recently. Last week she said she has seen consistent changes in me for the past two weeks after I was all over the place for the previous few months.

I don't want to lose any more respect from my W. I know that my stalling with this house is not helping. To be honest I really don't care too much if she brings in a house cleaner. I don't even care if she uses our joint money to pay for it. These are small insignificant items to me. The big items are saving the M and how to do this. The other big issue is the house.

Gucci, give it to me straight here. After reading this post, do you still think selling the house is the right thing to do? Rob or anyone else, I would be happy to hear all opinions. W and I will probably talk buy phone tomorrow. I think I'll tell her that I'm ok with her bringing in the house cleaner and I won't mention using the joint money to pay for it. I'll just tell her that I'm ok with it. I can even thank her for taking care of it if you think that would be appropriate? It would be a 180 for me and would be blow her mind. It would be the exact opposite of what she would be expecting from me. She would expect more stalling from me, more excuses.

Regarding the house, maybe just tell her that let's shoot for next weekend to put it on the market and not this weekend. This will give me time to finsh the necessary house work and also give me one more week to think about what to do.
This would also give her a date when I will be ready, what she is looking for.

Gucci, you can't hurt my feelings with anything you say so please continue to be honest with me. I feel like this stage in the process will have a tremendous affect on what happens to this M.

Thanks again for taking the time to check in. I'm ready to tackle this issue and put it behind me. I want to get to the next stage with my W to try to put this M back together.