Messed up

[jt2007]

IM having a bad night. I hate being divorced.

I keep going back and forth between being ok and not having any rational thoughts.
My heart hurts,,my chest burns.

I talked to XH today. He said when the D is final then he will be able to feel better.
He went over again how traumatizing Jail was for him, orange jump suit/ couldnt wear his underwear, having to be "checked" for drugs..inmates obscene talk....ect...

He said my only saving grace with him was that I did put myself out there and get him out.

He admitted tonight about the OW... in a round about way.
Said that she made him feel okay. Like there was nothing wrong with him. And if it had been the other way with me then he wouldnt had gone to that.
Also wont cut it off with her as "friends"

Also said that me playing sports with the kids this weekend angered him ..because it reminded him of what I was not all these years.

Remember I said we both lost weight together...and I did have depression after the children..so had some tough times
But fixed it this past year and 1/2..

Told him I felt the same... I wanted those years back.
But its to late. I can just do now what I always wanted to back then.

I asked about us. (wasnt sure if I should have) I needed to know how he was looking at this.
He said "shouldnt we start as friends"
I said I guess..but that was kind of awkward to be.
Told him I wasnt sure how "personal" to get with him...seeing as Im not sure what he is calling "friends"
He didnt elaborate...I didnt push it...I wanted to though

I called him later in the day, He sounded preturbed, said that he didnt have anything to talk about. Dead air again.

This is difficult because I know he spends time talking on FB and phone to Ow as "friends"

This is keeping me confused and hurt.
Not sure how to approach now...so many questions I want to open up with him.

He also said he had anger issues that he needed to deal with himself..(is this because OW is influencing him....I dont like not being able to tell what is coming from him or her!)

So hence my bad night of messed up feelings and thoughts.
Giving me a headache trying to just concentrate on me....I just cant do it right now