Detach, yes. GAL yes. Yes, I met him when he was M. He absolutely runs from one to another, he needs to work on himself a lot but just won't.
I need to get him away from OW, which is really compounding issues.
Tomorrow I am going to go join the karate class I've been wanting to join for some time.
Need to work on my 180 though. I have to be caring and kind to the family but confident and independent. It seems he thinks I'm clingy (funny, I feel he suffocates me) so I need to seem independent and fun. What can I do?
Nine years and yes, although I believed the line he told me that he never loved her (his friends say that's the case - he was dating her for a week when she got pregnant) so I was OW but thought it was legit, if that makes sense? It was a different type of M with her. She got pregnant, had a kid, few years later he asked for D, she begged and pleaded, went off birth control and took fertility meds.
In terms of the M, there's no difference. It's either he stays committed to it or not. Your H is saying the exact same things about you that he said about his W at the time.
There's a reason why they say marriages of people who have had A with each other don't last. They don't deal with their original issues. Sounds like his W was "clingy" because he made it up in his mind that he never loved her. Same thing he's doing with you.
Even if you had done the exposure to his friends, I don't think it would have made any difference because he had done it before. Having a child "by mistake" doesn't make the M a mistake. You know what you're doing and the you live with the consequences. He doesn't want to do that.
Rather than facing himself, he looks for some external source to blame. Running away is much easier than looking at your own faults.
Maybe you need to not be as clingy as his XW was and see what happens. Does he have any contact with his XW and his kids?
M-43 W-40 2D - 9 and 5
Emotion, yet peace. Ignorance, yet knowledge. Passion, yet serenity. Chaos, yet harmony. Death, yet a new life.
first, not a complaint, but it will save you some time.. update your sig, put in a brief history so everyone can get in the loop quick and help you out... I see a couple threads there, but if you add a summary like many here do it will help you get more input from posters
Second. Relax. He's just run his first shot at damage control. not much surprising there. Do NOT react to his complaints... just make a mental note.
I would just stand firm on your position and avoid any conflict with him. He's still in the INTEL gathering mode... the visit with his parents was a PERFORMANCE
Some of it may be true, most of it is lies.
I didn't read anything in there that wasn't classic wayward script... and he left a LOT OUT that he SHOULD have talked to them about... He claims he's hollow and got nothing left, but he just slept with you a few days ago? I bet he didn't mention THAT to them either eh?
He's Full of $hit... Don't take what he said this seriously.. just relax... most of its just performance... he WANTS you dancing around like a monkey trying to please him.
Keep control of yourself... until he ends his affair you just keep your cool. Don't be mean, just keep your position.
I am interested to hear what FIL and MIL intend to DO now to help support you?
We heard the story he gave them, but what are THEY prepared to do to help out?
3. Lock up your PC... lock it all up. He wants info... the OW calling you was a dead giveaway they are going on the offensive... the first thing you to before you attack is run a recon mission to find out how much firepower the enemy has... Lock up your PC and your phone...
4. The hopelessness claim is classic... don't let him get YOU hopeless. I am confident if you put this whole mess out in the open he will end the affair.
Questions...
You said if I recall that he had an affair before? Did he cheat on you before?
If so, how did that one end? Details may help us understand what drives your H to end his affairs.
If he hasn't had an affair that he ended, if this is his first, this will be a learning experience for you.
5. Get into contact with OWH... keep that line open.. call him every day and trade notes. It's better if H doesn't know, but if he finds out its not the end of the world.
6. Keep goin to karate class, it should help you relieve some stress.
7. Keep close to your kids, he may try to turn them against you too. Stick close to all the family... right now he's going to try to put a RIFT between YOU and his family and friends...
8. The fact that he didn't mention the affair to them at all... not surprising... he didn't have any cards to play there. I wonder why though your In laws never ASKED him about it? Why didn't they ask him why he's been lying to everyone?
9. Don't let your phone or your pc out of your sight.
OWH needs to know how to combat an affair too... MWD's book isn't too helpful there... he may try being nice too... He will need a crash course from you.
Some responses if he challenges you about calling OWH
Husband : So, you are cheating on me with him now?
You : No, that's you sharing your business with that family, you are ripping that home up, not me.
Husband : You shouldn't be calling him
You : As long as I am PROTECTING marriages rather than DESTROYING them I will talk to whomever I want to. Or don't you approve of me saving someone's marriage?
Husband : I dont' want you talking to him
You : I am going to my karate class. Dont' waste your time trying to get into my PC, I am not stupid enough to leave anything there for you. It's all safe and backed up elsewhere. Ta - Ta.
And you head out to wherever you want. Just exit the house and let him stew
Just a minor point really passenger, but picking up on the 'control' theme.
Remember that now exposure has taken place there is only a certain amount YOU can control - basically yourself and YOUR actions. You are going to have to weather a stormy ride over the next few days/ weeks.
Also remember that his parents have seen him do this before.......you can only rely on their support so much. At the end of the day he is THEIR son and he may be able to convince them he needs out. Nine years - it sounds like a pattern.
The trouble with exposure is you never know how the chips are going to fall. So tread carefully.
I can imagine that for a man, being in a R where he is the lower earner etc. that he has felt somewhat emasculated and that OW strokes his ego and soothes that feeling. I imagine he aslo feels a bit like he has to come hcap in hand to ask for permission to do stuff, ( non of which is a good excuse for an A). However, going to Retro would be good as you could iron out your misinterpretations of what each other says - such as you asking your H how long he is going to be so you can plan your day, whilst he thinks you are putting pressure on him.
Well done in what you have done so far.
Saffie me 46 H 46 M in 1986 D20,D18,S16,D13 H's A 01/05 to 07/06 H recommitted to M 07/06 renewed vows 09/06 Going from strength to strength
DH waited to 3 am to try to talk to me. He first said "can we talk" and I pretended to be asleep. Then he said about 10 min later, "I know you're awake and can hear me." - I kept "sleeping" and then he said "I changed my mind about going to Retro." I kept my cool, kept "sleeping" realizing he was baiting me and I wasn't going to fall for it at all. He wanted to push buttons, wanted me to react and I didn't. Sleep did a world of good for me. I am a bit calmer today, but not as sure of myself as I was yesterday before news from MIL/FIL. Huge bombs were dropped yesterday and I'm still reeling inside but won't show it outside.
Calm, cool, collected. Thanks all. Going to re-read your posts now to make sure it all sinks in. I'll try calling OWH today.
On his way out the door, H was clearly VERY angry and upset. He was angry that I didn't wake up to "hear" him last night. He said that he needs to talk to me tonight and I said I'd think about it. He said if I don't, he'll "pull the plug on this thing right now" meaning the marriage. I said "I'm sorry you feel that way with a little smile." He got furious at that and said, "you leave me no choice. And if the harrassing phone calls and emails don't stop (meaning my ONE phone call to OW) - the third party has nothing to do with us. He actually said that. Can you guys believe it? Well, yes, you probably can.
Sounds like from what I've heard on here, I need to ask MIL/FIL to admit what they know and say they side with me fighting for the M.
But how about the talk tonight? Do I go ahead with it? Validate, listen, ignore, avoid? I already know what he is going to say. He'll say he's been out of love with me for years (how should I respond to that?) and he has been towing the line (response?) and that he's afraid of my "dark" side (which is not a dark side, it's just a few times I got very angry and blew up. He's tying it all back to when I was a teenager and cut myself, apparently. I should have seen that coming because I hit myself on the head the other day out of pure, sheer frustration and he said "I can't fix you, you've been like this forever." Weird at the time, now I know he's tying what happened when I was 15, 23 years ago, to now.
