How to approach W about OM

[OfficerInNeed]

Allen,
Its funny you mention fireproof. I had went to church yesterday and it was recommended. Also my therapist recommended the same. A person from the church gave me that they thought was the full length movie but turned out to be not. I have been reading the book "love dare" I am on day 6...most of what is suggest I have already done or have been doing. The book itself has a lot of what has been shared on these forums.

I had tried the flowers being sent to work back on feb. 13th. She said thank you but was upset because she is not about that. She told me that co-workers reacted with "awwwwwe how sweet" and a male co-worker said "I admired that" but to her not so much.

Something that I considered positive my W is no longer doing. For about Z years now my wife had always text msg me as she went from place to place toi ensure she was ok. It was "our little thing" even up till the past week she had done this but now she is slowly stopping...

It baffles me. When this all began my wife still gave me hugs, kisses, ILY and things were at there worse but now things are so much better than they were 4-5 weeks ago but she does none of that.

I have to admit at times my mind tells me "I don't think she love me anymore and she is not the same person I love. This stuff is not working, I'm just prolonging the inevitable." But of course I keep on hoping that I am having an impact and one day she'll see the light.

[DaddyLongShanks]

OIN,

I'd keep doing the flowers bit, and maybe some gifts to work. Perhaps 3 times a month if you can afford. Its interesting that the peer group will see your effort and sincerity. I believe over time it can be a "fog clearer", because her peer group will obviously see the guesture and she will have to do her mental magic to make herself think its irrevelent or a manipulation. Over time the reality should start to winning out.

Also I would occasionally invite her to lunch dates.

Keep doing everything else your doing, sounds good and it gives me motivation in my situation.

By the way, we all usually feel the same way like the effort will not work. What has been given to us is principles that work over time, so if there is a chance it is through these methods.

[Allen A]

I dunno about any lunch invitations OIN. You will have to gauge that carefully... if she is caught on the wrong moment it will set you back.. tread lightly.

I woudln't send flowers to work right now either. Given the stories she's passing around it may look like you are trying to apologize for being the person she is spinning. We know she's lying, but if people see flowers she may just do this :

"See... Now he thinks he can heal my bruiss with flowers... What an a$$"

Be VERY careful before you send flowers, that too can backfire... you need to know its goign to be received well first.

I don't reccomend experimenting overmuch at work just yet.

[DaddyLongShanks]

Allen,

Scarey how things can be spun, good information. I did a couple of years where your worried about "repurcussions" and "counter-repurcussions", and worried about how potential outer image depending on the group.

Crazy stuff I tell you. Sounds like your saying that OIN just needs to lay back and do what he's doing.

[OfficerInNeed]

My W nearly pulled me into an argument...

When my W first return home from work she told me she was going to a benefit for a co-worker that was diagnosed with cancer. When she first mentioned I said nothing but was waiting for the right time to ask if I could go as well...

Later in the afternoon after having a pretty good day together...I asked mys W "about that benefit, would you mind if I accompanied you to the event, It is for a great cause and I would like to support it. Even if not I would still like to buy a ticket."


My W responds "I did not thinlk you would want to go"

Me : "of course I would. it's always good to get out and attend functions. And enjoy doing such thongs with you"

W: "well its invitation only and I already rsvp with just 1 on the invite."

Me: "is it possible to change that? I would like to attend. If not I can just ask 'friend' to add me on his invite"

W: "well I planned on going with the women from work"

Here is where I lost my cool...still in a calm tone.

Me: "that's ok, I get the point. You don't want me there and that is fine I understand."


W: "you are unbelievable"

Me: "did I say something to upset you?"

And she just laughed an had a terrible look on her face. Me reakizing this was heading nowhere fast I just shut my nmouth and carried on. I went to lay in bed and she yelled up to me "where are you? What are you doing?" I replied "laying in bed" she asks "why?' I say "relaxing before work" she said with and attitude "NM"

I go down and ask her if she needed something she said "I thought maybe you wanted to color easter eggs" lol...threw me off. It was a tradition of ours that she blew off this year but a day after she wanted to do it. Of course I was more than happy to do it. We had a good time. Then I went off to work.

[MrBond]

Actually your W didn't pull you into an argument, you kind of sounded like you were inviting one. If she didn't invite you , you shouldn't have tried to get yourself invited. Once maybe, but it seemed like you kept pushing the issue.

"Me: "that's ok, I get the point. You don't want me there and that is fine I understand."

Bad move. Your feelings were hurt and you showed it. Next time just shrug it off.

[Allen A]

Mr Bond I couldn't agree more... that's exactly what I was thinking as I read OIN's thread... before I even read your reply

OIN, I KNOW its hard, but you push yourself back when you do this.

Your wife did throw you a bone afterwards. I suspect she sensed that she hurt your feelings and wanted to apologize... THAT is a good sign, but you need to control yourself... I think you could have handled it better, but your WIFE actually saved that moment not you!

YOU are supposed to be divorce-busting, not your wife man lol

IF she says she's giong to a benefit

1. you offer to buy a ticket for a donation ONLY
2. you tell her if she would like your company, you would enjoy going along, but you want her to make her choice freely
3. You do NOT go around that and SNEAK in with a buddy either.. that's underhanded and she will see that as you controlling her... again
4. you do NOT POUT... you accept her choice and smile... as long as she is not putting your marriage at RISK or herself at RISK then you let it go... she's not going to a singles bar, its just a benefit dude...

You DID walk out of there before it got really bad, but man you set HER up for a fight... not the other way around...

If she does something that excludes you, you just tell her you are available and leave it alone.

Good to see she threw you a bone though.. that's a positive

But you gotta control yourself dude... control YOU, not her... YOU

OK?

I suppopse maybe you were thinking OM might be there or something... but if he changed shifts I think you may want to back off a bit on that.. the more Om backs off, the more YOU need to back off..

Not sure what prompted you to fight for a spot at this thing, but I doubt you think it was worth pushing her at this point...

She threw you a bone, I think you need to buy her some flowers and tell her to just go and have a good time and that you are sorry you pushed her.

Tell her you love her, and want to be NEAR her, but without her RESPECT, her love is isn't worth it...

You give her a hug and tell her to have a great time... and let it go.

[Allen A]

Let me ask you this.. its been a while with you posting here... can you see how your wife might feel you are trying to control her over much?

Now, I get that being married means negotiating, and that to a degree, you own each other... emotionally you are bonded and all that... so a sense of being controlled comes with the package.. but that CAN get excessive and it can cause a spouse to feel pressure they don't want.

Some spouses feel like they don't matter, like the spouse is INDIFFERENT, others like you, may be going the other way and push TOO hard...

I am gonna leave it to you to sort that question out. But if you read your post again and look carefully I hope you can see how you may have tried to control that situation...

If THAT is what you were doing for the last ten years... dude, THAT is EXACTLY what you need to put a STOP TO... right away...

When you do that, you sign your wife's apartment lease FOR her doin that... I really hope you can see it in your post... go look at it...

[Allen A]

... I said nothing but was waiting for the right time to ask if I could go as well...

So you could go pursue her? How is you steering yourself into this benefit making you out to be the man she wants to stay with?

[OfficerInNeed]

I re-read my post and pretty much thought about it since it happened and you are right. I picked that fight not even knowing it.

Yes the thought of OM being there did cross my mind. I wanted to go because in the past I would not have went and I more than likely would have prevented her from going (in the past). I was caught off guard that she had made that decision to go and never ran it by me or invited me along. By going I would have accomplished the following

- support something she supports (180)
- opportunity to spend time with her in a social setting
- show her co-workers first hand, that I am not a bad guy and get the opportunity to meet those she works with as she did with my co-workers.

I don't think she would respond very well to me telling her I love her. Is that not pressuring her? I CAN say it without getting those words in return because I DO LOVE HER but I think it will only prompt her to tell me she is leaving. I feel I have not DB consistently enough or long enough to start telling her these things. She also will NOT take kindly to the flowers.