Good choice... let her squirm... the less she knows the better.
She likely wants the same as your H... INTEL
The cat and mouse game is now reversed... lock up your pc... I can almost guarantee your H is going to try to get into that sometime soon...
You are the mouse now and they are panicking and going to chase you about for a while... You need to protect yourself... you are pretty vulnerable while you share the house with him... don't leave ANYTHING out that you don't want him rummaging into...
He very likely is sharing what little intel he has with OW... they have to organize and regroup for their counter attack now.
He's in shock and needs a few days for reality to settle in. He's doing to try to run damage control for about three days I would say... until he realises he's got no leverage ... either that or you missed someone he may talk to or something.
He's basically going to talk to everyone you already prepared to test the waters... and then he will go back to OW to tell her what he knows...
Their little romance has been blown wide open and now they have to figure what they are gonna do about it... its gonna take them a few days to regroup ... they may have a few fights over this as well.. depending...
You basically tossed a hand grenade into their secret love nest. NOW we have to see if they help each other OUT of there alive or if they run solo and bail on each other... I suspect the latter since this is a DI (double infidelity)
Does OW have kids?
You have OWH's cell # right? Did you confirm with him not to let OW touch it so you can keep in contact with him?
You want to keep that line open so if HE learns something on HIS end, he will tell YOU, and you keep him in the loop too. Its a huge difference if you can get the OP spouse communicating with you to launch affair-busting on both ends... much more effective.
I didn't think to tell him to keep his cell from her. I'm going to ask FIL to call him I'll do that.
She has no children. She's 43 and free of responsibility. This is a party woman, I met her twice and she was drunk both times. I'd call her a higher class barfly.
H told them that he's just empty inside, he doesn't have anything left. That he towed the line for 10 years and doesn't feel any love inside. He says I have a dark side and he's afraid of me hurting myself. He said that if he wants to do a project, I won't let him (false, I buy him everything he needs to do the projects) I'll post more later.
H came home. Here are the notes from my convo with MIL/FIL.
Never mentioned the affair.
Biggest problem – three things – for 12 years he’s had to tow the line. I’m in total control. If he doesn’t toe the line. If he wants to do a project I support him for that, and then I’d go out and ask when he’d be done. So it sits out there because he can’t work on it. (NOTE: Communication issue, I'd ask because I wanted to do something for myself and if he was going to be out there all day, I'd have time, but if it was going to just be a few minutes, I'd wait around for him to finish... he saw as me controlling his time)
My dark side – he elaborated – claims that he’s been out of love with me for many years, he cares for me, wants me to be safe, happy, etc. he just can’t love me anymore because its’ too hard to love me. Says I self hurt bite, scratch bang head do all kinds of bad things to myself. (12 years ago I did and one time recently I hit myself out of pure frustration - it's not something I do frequently, and it's pure communication - I can't communicate my frustration)
He feels empty he doesn’t feel he has room, he hopes to have someone to love like I love him.
He’s willing to try during the Retro weekend but isn't sure if he can. (FIL thinks he's just going to "tow the line" some more to make it look like he tried)
He asked if he should tell me tonight how he feels?
He asked if she remembered when he was breaking up with XW, and he introduced me. (NOTE: he didn't go further with this - perhaps was an attempt to introduce OW to them?)
He asked if I had told him anything and I said that I had told them a lot – all generic stuff. What can I do to help save the M, etc, man’s point of view, that sort of thing.
FIL is worried about H's expectations for himself. He’s looking at it like he’s done here because he towed the line for years, every time he wants to do something I feel he's excluding me.
FIL doesn’t want to have me be blindsided – he has to look at what his feelings are based on – is it a momentary anger or something more?
FIL is worried about his thinking that he has to go along and go on the weekend just to appease me again. He has formulated this in his mind, he got together with me because XW was just hanging on to him – then he sees anything in me that reminds him of her and he just wants out. He’s looking at the pattern. He worries about his earnestness when he’s convincing himself that he should be gone. He’s not mentioning OW at all.
Need to know what to do guys. Please help me, I'm scared now because he sounds hopeless. In 12 years he's never said he has a problem with me, and I swear we were happy... now he says it was all bad. I know, rewriting history... but how do I stop that?
Oh yeah - to show his state of mind, one of the things he mentioned is that he had a motorcycle with two seats. One was comfy with a back rest - and I have a bad back, but it wasn't stylish. The other was nice looking but not comfy. He didn't like that I always wanted the nice comfy one on there.
Yeah, I know it's weak, but the hopelessness is what makes me frightened right now. He doesn't think I can change. I know that's fog talking, but how do I get through? Do I do the GAL, 180 stuff, or something more drastic?
I say so far so good...you handled things like a class act...
Like Allen said there will probably be a few days where he's trying to figure out what you have- to know how deep it runs...I would def GAL and 180...see what happens next
Unfortunately you can't. It's something that he's going to have to realize himself. Do what you can to show him that you're not the person he "believes" you are.
The thing about control is what all WAS's complain about. They act as if they are this helpless raft that's been tossed around by the LBS. Total BS in almost all cases.
Did you meet him when he was still M? I wasn't sure if I heard right. If so, then he is repeating the pattern of not wanting to deal with his own issues and just wants another temporary "fix" (OW).
Maybe you need to detach. That way he can't blame you for being "controlling". Show your calm, cool and confident side.
M-43 W-40 2D - 9 and 5
Emotion, yet peace. Ignorance, yet knowledge. Passion, yet serenity. Chaos, yet harmony. Death, yet a new life.
