H came home. Here are the notes from my convo with MIL/FIL.
Never mentioned the affair.
Biggest problem – three things – for 12 years he’s had to tow the line. I’m in total control. If he doesn’t toe the line. If he wants to do a project I support him for that, and then I’d go out and ask when he’d be done. So it sits out there because he can’t work on it. (NOTE: Communication issue, I'd ask because I wanted to do something for myself and if he was going to be out there all day, I'd have time, but if it was going to just be a few minutes, I'd wait around for him to finish... he saw as me controlling his time)
My dark side – he elaborated – claims that he’s been out of love with me for many years, he cares for me, wants me to be safe, happy, etc. he just can’t love me anymore because its’ too hard to love me. Says I self hurt bite, scratch bang head do all kinds of bad things to myself. (12 years ago I did and one time recently I hit myself out of pure frustration - it's not something I do frequently, and it's pure communication - I can't communicate my frustration)
He feels empty he doesn’t feel he has room, he hopes to have someone to love like I love him.
He’s willing to try during the Retro weekend but isn't sure if he can. (FIL thinks he's just going to "tow the line" some more to make it look like he tried)
He asked if he should tell me tonight how he feels?
He asked if she remembered when he was breaking up with XW, and he introduced me. (NOTE: he didn't go further with this - perhaps was an attempt to introduce OW to them?)
He asked if I had told him anything and I said that I had told them a lot – all generic stuff. What can I do to help save the M, etc, man’s point of view, that sort of thing.
FIL is worried about H's expectations for himself. He’s looking at it like he’s done here because he towed the line for years, every time he wants to do something I feel he's excluding me.
FIL doesn’t want to have me be blindsided – he has to look at what his feelings are based on – is it a momentary anger or something more?
FIL is worried about his thinking that he has to go along and go on the weekend just to appease me again. He has formulated this in his mind, he got together with me because XW was just hanging on to him – then he sees anything in me that reminds him of her and he just wants out. He’s looking at the pattern. He worries about his earnestness when he’s convincing himself that he should be gone. He’s not mentioning OW at all.
Need to know what to do guys. Please help me, I'm scared now because he sounds hopeless. In 12 years he's never said he has a problem with me, and I swear we were happy... now he says it was all bad. I know, rewriting history... but how do I stop that?
