Learning of this porn addiction and the upset of the past few months has really affected her.
She said she saw me in the 1st year, and has known ever since it hadn't stopped. So this isn't new. What is new is that she expected that once I told her I would quit cold turkey. I couldn't. And shutting off the internet...we have many unsecured wi-fi connections around us, so my only defense is learning to control my needs while getting help to deal with 'brain chemistry' issues.
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1. You must ask her if she has a plan (I know that when I was a nurse I was thought this an important thing to ask b/c it shows how serious a person is in their intent.
I agree. She has said it before, and I haven't been able to get her to see IC about it. This time, she had a semi-plan, so I insisted today (after suggesting yesterday) that she talks to her IC during her appt on Wed. Had this been the first time she's made those illusions, I would have called a hotline. I think her fear of God is getting to her, so I'm going to just push for the IC. Having toddlers when she's overprotective helps - not many dangers here! Realistically, I think she loves them too much to do it, but no one knows what a depressed person could do.
Part of the problem is her family - her sister & nephew just got to NY in Jan, and her husband (a**) decided to send her and their son back to her country overseas because he lost his job and God forbid he'd go on welfare.
When she feels she is leaving, she feels fine. It is when she thinks about staying she is depressed. Depressing, huh?
Her feelings are not permanent. She is having a rough time and needs your support.
M38, H37 S3, S7 Together 15 yrs Married 8 yrs Bomb July 2008 Inhouse separation "I hate you" "We are over" (too many times to count) Reconciled Sept 2009 (still worth it)
Again, I am just worried. If I read correctly. She was contemplating suicide yesterday? But couldn't go through with it?
M38, H37 S3, S7 Together 15 yrs Married 8 yrs Bomb July 2008 Inhouse separation "I hate you" "We are over" (too many times to count) Reconciled Sept 2009 (still worth it)
Not yesterday, Friday or Saturday (she told me on Sat eve). But in the last 4-5 years, she's said it before.
She makes dramatic statements, so I've always discussed it and "told" her it was an overreaction. I've also told her to get help. This is the first time she's planning to talk to someone about it.
(Journalling below) I can't help being depressed... - Monday am: insists on the divorce mediation and goes there thinking to end the marriage - Monday pm: accepts an agreement that shows trust and faith in me, verbally understands improvements needed are two way and accpts giving me time. ML. - Tuesday: I go through my concerns and tell her how most of them are really issues I have that I accept as selfish/unreasonable/solvable on my own; ML, getting more emotionally close - Wednesday: I'm afraid because of the mediation rollercoaster, but ready to commit. I try to reconcile, but fail over something that really wasn't that big. It was huge to her, I get that, but in the cosmic scheme of things, a 3 sec look isn't enough for the results against me. She didn't actually leave the restaurant, so I consider myself "lucky". She sleeps alone leaving me crying and feeling betrayed over a confession she already had known about and a massive overreaction to something I didn't intend. - Thursday: Things looking up, she apologizes after a walk for her actions and overreaction (her words) on Wed. I feel hope again. I made a surprise candle-lit dinner that wows her. We talk about rebuilding. I only offer affection through massage, but she draws me into ML. - Friday: ML again. I screw up, in part because of some comments she made, and my addiction taking over once she had left. She comes back in the eve and asks for a D. I lock myself up into our B'rm to consider what to do. We talk twice, but she goes on a full attack against me and tries to begin planning the D with me. Tells me things that seem punitive, such as "she'll leave the kids with me" (which she wouldn't, I think). I give up after passionate appeals for her compassion, and lock the door again. She goes psycho, banging on the door to talk about 9x that night. - Saturday: Wake up to more of the same door banging. Finally, around 1pm I get the strength to face this D and the fact that I'd rather it than a rollercoaster, but I decide to try to open her up to reconcile first. This on top of her also saying she thinks she'll be happier with another man. She goes on yet another walk. Comes back, says she conteplated suicide and that she wants a D as soon as possible. She repeats the demand to call our mediator asap. I use touch and love to pull her back. - Sunday: Depression hits. How could she love me but not be able to give me an olive branch? I accepted getting a doc., I am always honest with her, I am slowly but I am changing already, I've made many other changes, the sex is great for her based on "evidence" & frequent, we're trying to buy a new house to get away from the memories in the walls, and more.
Yet, the count of pain grows - request to divorce in Oct, Jan, and now again. Icing is always fattening - this time it was the need for a fast divorce so we can move on. We are looking at houses, and the depression really hits hard...I'm trying to build a dream with a marriage that seems doomed to fail.
Five times, small incidents push me over the edge of internal frustration, resulting in small outbursts for which I apologized and she accepted as "why are you apologizing, you controlled yourself well".
Outbursts over what? I went into a showhome & came back to my girls playing in the "trunk" of the mini-van because she decided she didn't want to deal with them (her words). I bought food for us and a drink to share, but she let the kids eat & drink it all when I was talking to an old friend we ran into for 5 min. Samll things that show personality issues, but a real highlighter for my depessed state.
An addict cannot rely on love or patience from another person to break free from the addiction. In your case, I am not sure IC is enough as your addiction is decades old and very, very powerful. IMO you need in patient treatment of some kind and you need it right now if you hope to break free of this addiction.
Your W should not have to accept you have an addiction. If you get well, she will have to accept you are a recovering addict but you are not even close to that stage yet.
You are asking your W to accept you as an active addict and that is too much to ask. If you did not have this particular addiction then looking at an attractive waitress for 3 seconds would be rude. Because you *do* have this addiction there is more than just "sneaking a peak" at an attractive women.
Everything you do, you do as an addict. This addiction has taken over your life for decades, it has caused you to have outlandish expectations about women and their bodies. It has created a huge wedge between you and reality in every sense.
So, no, your W's love will not be enough until you have gotten the appropriate treatment for the addiction.
You are being terribly unfair to constantly suggest your W overreacts. An addiction in a marriage has a terrible effect on all parties involved. Your W will need treatment as well.
IMO, until this addiction is addressed full on there is no way for you and your W to rebuild any sort of R. There may be good moments but the foundation you need to really work on the M won't be there as long as your addiction still has so much power over you.
You are trying to put rebuilding steps in action and push an awful lot on your W when in fact, she has the draining task of living with an addict. You both need help with that.
An addiction that is three decades old has taken over your life. That has to be "job 1" before anything else can happen. And it will take a LONG time for your W to even think about believing you are on the right path. As they say, if the lips of an addict are moving, they are usually not telling the truth.
It's easy for me to see why you don't find your W attractive. As I said, you have an unreal expectation of what sex and the female body should be and somewhere deep down you know how disgusted she is by your addiction. Until your addiction is addressed all of that will hang over your R like a black cloud. Changing houses won't fix a thing.
If you do go to an intensive treatment program you can ask your W to support you but don't push any sort of acceptance on her as you are now. IMO the reason you "feel" love for your W at times when you are having sex with her is that is when you feel accepted by her. Once the sex is over the acceptance diminishes and you need more acceptance so you turn to what you know to feel okay.
It is very true that it will be hard to rebuild a marriage till the addiction issue is addressed first. It is like the elephant in the room.
We have told you here why looking for a few seconds at another woman is bad. You wife has expressed hurt but you seem to minimize this. Please realize that your insight and views are not truth "right" views but rather an another view. If she feels it hurts here- than she has a legitimate gripe. And the reverse goes for you. If you feel that she has hurt your feelings that she should accept that she have- even if she thinks it's no big deal. Does that make sense?
OTMT, You have made tremendous growth. You came here as a man who at first blamed his wife for everything that is wrong in the marraige and could admit to no fault of his own. Then you have realized that you both have ownership in the marital discord and that you yourself have areas that need to be worked on. that is HUGE progress. I know there are many ICs or MCs that would come on and state that many people do not "get it" for years. They can not gain that insight. Great job doing that.
Please put some pictures of you and the family or your wife taped to the computer screens. If you have to look at your family while attempting to view porn I would hope it would be a deterrent.
Also please understand that anything that causes marital strife definitely affects the children. You love your children, right? You want them to have both a full time mom and dad, correct? You do not want to become a weekend dad do you? You do not want them to see a distraught mother or father, right?
What you do towards improvement not only benefits you and your wife but your children's lives also. You have five little ones depending on you. You are their role model. You sons will want to model you, your daughters will want to marry a man like you.
Little one is calling me.
The alt is a popular social networking site just Google it.
M38, H37 S3, S7 Together 15 yrs Married 8 yrs Bomb July 2008 Inhouse separation "I hate you" "We are over" (too many times to count) Reconciled Sept 2009 (still worth it)
Thanks June. I did the alt thing (mountain is in my user)...if you want to add me feel free; I couldn't figure out how to find people in the list of fans.
W's IC called so I told her about my problem and about Ws thoughts of suicide. I told her that I was letting her know confidentially, and that I was just letting the IC know so she might better plan to address the issue.
M38, H37 S3, S7 Together 15 yrs Married 8 yrs Bomb July 2008 Inhouse separation "I hate you" "We are over" (too many times to count) Reconciled Sept 2009 (still worth it)
Hi OTMT, I'm new here but I've come out to make a comment as your situation is very similar to mine in some respect. I know that your major 'issue' right now has shifted to porn but let me highlight something.
How often have you told your W that she is unattractive and the marriage was not based on love? (therefore telling her that she is/was not 'wanted/necessary') Do you know that when someone is emotionally abused, many will become depressed and start thinking about taking their life? And to stay optimistic in such a situation, you need a good support network around, preferably close family members or friends.
I think most of the issues you have may be coming from your lack of confidence... subconsciously you have been eating away hers to feed yours. Everything else is a ripple effect of that.
The issues: - different cultures: it needs to be understood that moving to a different country and learning another language are huge, life long tasks. Some people pick it up fairly quickly, others never do, just like some love Maths but not everyone. It's much more difficult to learn when you are an adult. When you married her, you knew that there is no guarantee she will learn English quickly or adapt well to your country, if ever at all. You took a chance together. It also takes lots of time to study which has to be enjoyable… when does she ever have time when you have 5 kids??
- over protective of kids: do you know that mothers tend to be all over her children when she is not getting along with her partner or the partner is absent? Her full attention is turned to kids. Also, she's continents away from her family who can otherwise give her love and support.
I mean with nearly all of the issues, it all grills down to your imagination and creativity… do you know how lonely it can be moving to another country, wondering 'how many times will I see my parents in my lifetime'?… how difficult it is to learn a language when you have issues at home (I wouldn't be surprised if she now dislikes being in your country… it's full of these difficult memories from the start, therefore learning your language is no fun either)… how impossible it might be to not be all over her kids when they are all she's got.
Do you ever try to imagine, instead of asking 'why can't she'?
