I went to IC today and feel better. I sat in the sun and ate something for the first time in four days. I kept S in daycare for an extra hour so I could rest, and I laid in the sun. Positive things for me.
H is calling me now - he's nervous because I told him over the weekend that I am considering going to a lawyer and renegotiating our settlement agreement. He explained everything about his drug experiences, and tried to reassure me that he is not addicted and that he has only used those things a number of times. If I can believe that, and I hope I can, I think I can, then it's not an issue where S is concerned and that's all I care about. However, H now thinks if I go to a lawyer and decide to start war of the roses I could still throw that out at him ... I don't want to do that but when I"m angry, I do think about it ... but I doubt I am the kind of person to do that. I told him that, hope he believes me too. He also talked about the money and reassured me that he is going to pay the exact amount in the settlement agreement every month and document - it's been more flexible up till now. He also reminded me of a "handshake agreement" we made that if he makes more money on particular months from consulting, I will get a portion of it.
So I scared him into behaving.
That is good.
But you all know what I really want is to have my H look at himself and stop blaming me and running away.
But he's gone on a business trip until Thursday so I think that is why I can breathe a bit more and relax now.
Laura, you are right - I know you must understand because your husband is verbally abusive too - I need to set better boundaries. My IC kept repeating that H is mean and condescending and that I"m not to blame. To be understanding of my self that I"m also suffering now from the pain of wanting love from someone who can be so hurtful. He says I"m bullied and verbally hammered and that I need to have compassion for myself that this hurts as much as physical bruises, or more.
IT's hard to believe the man I fell in love iwth is like this. And it's hard to swallow that he will not look at it or change for the sake of our family. That's when I get indignant and want to slam him in a D to prove that he's abusive and get more custody. I don't really want to do that, except that it is a real fear with my S. What I want is for him to have a reality check on his own behavior. But I may never see that in my lifetime and that scares me for how my S is learning to treat women.That is also why in California I wish I could have more than 50% custody - he's going to be exposed to a father who believes this is how men behave. H learned it from his father too. I don't know how to protect S. IF I lived in a different state, I might automatically get more than 50% custody - and could be the stronger influence.
