Messed up

[are you kidding]

Well you didn't find it seven months ago, but you found it now:)

I do not read posts as well as the others, but maybe you should read the book Co-dependent No More.

Don't worry about him not talking to you, they don't.

Laying down probably isn't the way to go. I did and caved to the tantrums, before I knew it was tantrums was what they do. Did a lot of caving to save a marriage, you have the chance.

No one's filed, I see you having an opportunity for a couple 180's especially putting your foot down on the violence part.

But don't lay a boundary without being able to back it up, made that mistake too.

Get knee deep in those resources, then you know the why, then you work on the YOU!

And that's no easy task, it hurts it really does and everyone will be here to help you out.

Unfortunately and this post stands out when I first got here, WE are in this together, but we have to get through it Alone.

Read Snodderly's posts, she has a lot of insight, too.

HB too!

Sorry you're here, but you're here and I'm just starting the journey I didn't ask for, but on the MLC side of things, the first thing we need to do is get our self esteem back and that's not the easiest to do, take it a second by second if you have to.

It does take awhile to absorb everything, read other threads and when something comes up post it, like the movie field of dreams, if you post it they will come.

[Cadet]

JT2007

Are you on the alt?

If you are, become a friend of DB, and let me know when you are on?

[seeking answers]

JT - I've just been rereading your sitch and sweetie I'm so glad that you found the strength to stick up for yourself and put your XH in jail when he got physically violent with you. By not letting that garbage continue shows that you have respect for yourself and showed your children that you were not going to put up with that kind of treatment anymore. Good for you for giving that very valuable lesson to your kids and even more so for yourself. No one deserves that, no one.

Please continue to be on your guard when around your XH. You know what the triggers are that set him off, stay away from those! When you have visitation with the children is there anyway to take them back to your place and leave your XH by himself since he claims that he can't stand to have you around?

Could you explain what your XH meant by saying that being divorced that you couldn't put him in jail for domestic violence?

Stay strong, you're not alone. (((Hugs)))

SA

[SoCo]

Hi JT,

Just read through your thread. You absolutely did nothing wrong in holding him accountable for his behavior towards you. If he didn't like jail, guess he shouldn't have treated you that way. AND- where I live, even if you are divorced, it is STILL considered domestic violence if they assault you. A spouse, ex spouse, family member, or someone you live with..

I had two physical incidents with my ex after we separated, and he had never done anything like that before. I filed assult and domestic violence charges on him. You are totally correct that your children do NOT need to think that is okay.

There was a famous incident of craziness where the police actually had to taze him (twice) b/c he was sooooo out of control. My board friends and I had a few snickers over that one...

Anyhoo, he also still to this day blames ME for that. I "set him up" and "provoked him" (LOL) which I did in NO WAY.

That type of thinking is classic for them.

Hit me up in the alt if you are there... You can find me through OP, Jack, or several others.

[Lostforwords]

Jt-

Who are you? Go in the mirror and ask yourself that.

Who were you when you had the secretary job at the famous company?

Are you that person anymore? Or have you let something change you?


That greatest waste of ours lives is to change ourselves for some one else...stop changing and start being...stop enduring and start standing.

[Jack_Three_Beans]

JT,

I am all for supporting you, however a man who hits a woman, with very FEW exceptions, i.e. absolute total accident/coming at him with a knife or gun/ not having his beer ready when he gets home ( kidding) is a Piece of Sh1t in my book.

I cannot in good faith support a decision on your part to be with him unless he has a 'coming to God' moment and begs your forgiveness, and NEVER is physical with you again.

As for your children, they have already been affected by it. They called the OW when he went to jail.

You need help to break a cycle. I am NOT being mean. Battered Person's Syndrome. Seek a consillor.

You are NOT to blame for being hit, or calling the police, he is to blame, however abusive husbands are PERFECT at making their targets feel guilty when they should not.

[jt2007]

IM having a bad night. I hate being divorced.

I keep going back and forth between being ok and not having any rational thoughts.
My heart hurts,,my chest burns.

I talked to XH today. He said when the D is final then he will be able to feel better.
He went over again how traumatizing Jail was for him, orange jump suit/ couldnt wear his underwear, having to be "checked" for drugs..inmates obscene talk....ect...

He said my only saving grace with him was that I did put myself out there and get him out.

He admitted tonight about the OW... in a round about way.
Said that she made him feel okay. Like there was nothing wrong with him. And if it had been the other way with me then he wouldnt had gone to that.
Also wont cut it off with her as "friends"

Also said that me playing sports with the kids this weekend angered him ..because it reminded him of what I was not all these years.

Remember I said we both lost weight together...and I did have depression after the children..so had some tough times
But fixed it this past year and 1/2..

Told him I felt the same... I wanted those years back.
But its to late. I can just do now what I always wanted to back then.

I asked about us. (wasnt sure if I should have) I needed to know how he was looking at this.
He said "shouldnt we start as friends"
I said I guess..but that was kind of awkward to be.
Told him I wasnt sure how "personal" to get with him...seeing as Im not sure what he is calling "friends"
He didnt elaborate...I didnt push it...I wanted to though

I called him later in the day, He sounded preturbed, said that he didnt have anything to talk about. Dead air again.

This is difficult because I know he spends time talking on FB and phone to Ow as "friends"

This is keeping me confused and hurt.
Not sure how to approach now...so many questions I want to open up with him.

He also said he had anger issues that he needed to deal with himself..(is this because OW is influencing him....I dont like not being able to tell what is coming from him or her!)

So hence my bad night of messed up feelings and thoughts.
Giving me a headache trying to just concentrate on me....I just cant do it right now

[jt2007]

Broke down and called XH tonight.
Said he was sleeping, bs I could tell.
So I asked to talk to kids, he said they were sleeping, bs.
I apologized and told him to get a goodnight sleep (in a perturbed tone) and hung up.

I went outside and got some fresh air and perspective looking at the beautiful clear night sky with the stars. I realized I could be in worse places, and I needed to concentrate on making me myself again.
Im going through nursing school and its realy fast paced and I need that right now.

I have my patients to think about. That helps me get back into focus. I go to clinicals tomorrow and am lucky that I have the same patient I had last week.

NO drug cards this week yeah!!
and I know this patient inside and out.

Makes me focus that its someones life I am responsible for.

I will be keeping him alive and comfortable; its all me and my assesments making the call for what he needs from the Dr.

Its me carrying out the orders and plans I have helped create to help him stay stable.

Anyway got my perspective back.

While I was outside
XH called back 15 min later.
He called again..I missed that one too.

I called him back and he asked if I didnt answer becasue I was on the other line. Said No, I was enjoying the night sky and taking a break from my nursing plans.(didnt let him know I was upset when I went outside)

Had a conversation not about "us" but about him going to GA. (where OW lives) to see his old friends (the ones from FB)
He had just talked to one of them that is a pilot now for a major airline..and was invited to go see him.
BS, because The town he wants to go to is where OW and her bar friends go out every other weekend.
Anyway didnt give in to the bait, and told him that it sounded like a great vacation for him.

So...guess I handled that the right way?

I knew he wasnt sleeping before, and the kids were still up, he talked to them while I was on the phone.
So made me feel better that I can still see through the bs.

But the conversation ended without difficult feelings, because I had my perspective back.

I have something I need to do for myself, and a responsibility to the gentleman I will be caring for tommorow.

Let him figure himself out...Im figuring me and I need my brain power and heart!

[jt2007]

Thanks Jack,
I think I'm holding (in part) just for that. His "God moment"... I don't want to miss it.
Especially since my children have been involved as they have.
I would like to redeem them from that somehow through his moment.

Of course I'm not sure I'm doing the "right" thing.
But this is what I know how to do now, (i haven't read everything yet

And I cant stand anyone being angry at me..thats just me personally, maybe its a flaw, I want things to smooth over with him somehow.

But I am not going to be treated like that again. Even if it means it just isn't working out.

[jt2007]

Can you help in directions,

I cant seem to find what "alt" is and DB as friend.

thanks