embracing change

[flowmom]

I have to remind myself how hope and hopelessness affect me. If I knew that in a year H and I would be reconciled, I'd be able to feel OK and make the best of my situation. That crystal ball knowledge wouldn't change anything about my actual reality, only my perception and my level of hope. So the obvious extension of that is that I CAN feel OK and make the best of my situation even though I don't have a crystal ball and even though reconciliation is unlikely. I have extremely negative projections about what live as a divorced mother looks like so I need to either not go there mentally or address those projections.

Today I can say that I am feeling depressed. I think a lot of it is the extreme fatigue, and the grey skies aren't helping. I'm resisting the urge to drink coffee, hoping that I'll be able to get a decent night's sleep.

I also have a sense of dread, feeling that I am a sitting duck for whatever bomb H drops next, whether it's OW, or his GAL plans, or D proceedings. I need to get in charge of my life.

H has the kids tomorrow and Wed night. As usual, I am incredibly unenthusiastic about GAL plans. Must think of something.