mza I don't get the whole house thing.Is she looking to get the money from the house? Are you in a position to buy her out?
I know for me if/when I meet to discuss the agreement, I think I would rather sell the house. I don't want to buy my W out.
I was also thinking if we do reconcile I would still consider selling the house to get a fresh start some where else. this is just my feelings.
on another topic:
you said you have phone sessions with a DB coach and goto IC like me. Do you find yourself teaching your IC about this process?
Sometimes I feel I am the one running the session. I get conflicting advice from my IC and my coach. I always follow my coach's advice, she has been trained in handling this type of situation.
Bomb 8/09. Brief piecing 12/10. D-2/12 Two incredible kids D9,S6 Leading new life! “Success is not to be pursued; it is to be attracted by the person we become."
Gr8, For financial reasons she just wants it sold. Due to my lack of a job the past couple of years it was very difficult for us to afford it. After she moved out, I got myself together and can afford it now. Of course she still wants to sell though since we are S. I've been thinking what I should do here, buy her out or agree to sell. I have thought the same as you about buying another place to start fresh if W and I would reconcile. Decisions, decisions...
I actually have 3 counselors. One is my DB coach, one is my IC (jusy for me to work on my issues of depression and anxiety) and my 3rd counselor is a pro MC. I go to the MC between calls to my DB coach. Helps to keep me focused on the M and trying to see things though my W's POV.
I stopped asking for M advice from my IC. I just had some doubts that she was the best for giving me advice on what to do to save my M. She's a good IC but maybe not a great MC, you know what I mean? So I found a pro MC and he is very good. He does give me a few different pieces of advice from my DB coach. I like it though because it gives me several ways to think about the sitch and what I should do. My MC sometimes advises me to to do some things which are slightly pursuuing. I sort of figure a way to incorporate his suggesstions with the steps my DB coach gives me so it's not pursuing. I mostly follow the advice of my DB coach with the M. If my W ever wants to reconcile and go to MC, I feel good in that I have found a MC that I believe can really help us.
So to answer you question, yes, I did find myself teaching my IC about the DB techniques early on in the process. I discuss my DB coach's advice with my MC. He pretty much agrees with it and he offers many of the same techniques. He does offer some of his own ideas which helps me too.
Kind of crazy to have 3 counselors I guess. I feel it works best for me. My W doesn't even know I talk with 3 counselors. She just thinks I see the IC. It's just part of the effort I am making to work on myself and save my M. God knows I'm really trying.
I agree with you Gr8. Until the time comes when our Ws want to work to reconcile the M, I think it's best to follow the DB coach's advice. I look at it as the DB coach is there to help guide us through to get to the next step with our spouse. When the time comes for my W and I to work on M, I would think that would be the time to turn it over to the MC.
M 38 WAW 36 Together 19 years Married 12 years Bomb/Separated Oct. 09 I love my wife Sitch
Well it seems like many people are updating there sitchs after the holiday weekend so I guess I'll do the same.
Like many people on this board, the holiday was difficult for me a couple of times. I was proud of myself that I was able to recognize my feeling the slightest bit depressed or anxious. I recognized the signs and snapped myself out of it quickly. I didn't allow myself to go there and went out and did some fun things for me. Saturday I went to the gym, walked my dogs and hung out with friends. Sunday I went to church, walked the dogs, played golf, and had a nice Easter dinner with my family. The weather was beautiful this weekend. I was so happy to see my own changes. In the past I would have stayed in and felt sorry for myself. I would have allowed the depression and anxiety to control me. Not anymore!
I had a real nice conversation with another one of my neighbors last week. He is a counselor and we talked for over an hour. I told him what was going on and that W and I were separated. Told him everything. Felt good to talk to another person about it. He listened and gave me some positive feedback. He said that the changes I have made in my life just in the past 5 months are outstanding. He said many people don't get to that point that fast. This made me feel good. He even said that he can see that I seem to be such a different person (in a good way) from just a few months ago. I have had so many people tell me that lately, that they have seen a huge improvement in me. One of the people at my real estate office said the same thing to me last week too. I am so surprised to hear that. I didn't think I was so outwardly troubled for others to see. It's nice that others notice my positive changes, makes me feel like my changes are real after all. If people other than my W can see the big difference in me, then I must be improving as I would have no reason to "act" as this new improved person to strangers. Well not strangers but people that aren't my W, you know what I mean. I can't tell you how good this made me feel. Their comments validated to me that I am making positive changes. My neighbor couldn't believe he was talking to the same person. He said to give my W some time. I told him that at the beginning my W wanted C for us to bring closure and that I want it for reconciliation. Told him she said no for reconciliation. Told him that recently when I asked she didn't say anything. He said that hopefully one day she might say "maybe". I could handle that.
I see my W just about everyday at the gym. She was there Saturday too. I don't go anywhere near her. I do enjoy my workouts though and due to our work schedules we are usually at the gym at the same time. Her and I being there at the same time hasn't stopped her from going. I'm glad about that. I want her to continue to go for herself. She looks great by the way.
I continue to work hard with my jobs. I've really been putting a lot of time back in to my real estate job. I was asked to work last Friday night to cover for someone. I jumped at the chance. I can't remember the last time I would have volunteered to work on a Friday night. I'm picking up all of the available office time that needs to be covered this month...nights, weekends, anytime I can. It's been paying off too. I have new clients that I picked up as a result of me working these extra hours at the real estate office. My work ethic has changed so much for the positive. It's amazing how my work ethic has returned now that I'm not suffering from the depression anymore.
Haven't talked to my W since last Tuesday. That was the night that she admitted to me that she has seen consistent changes in me for the past two weeks. Unfortunately I did confirm today that she did remove me from her health insurance. I didn't even allow that to bother me today. I'm not going to mention it to her again. It would make me seem weak and needy, that I need her to take care of me. Not anymore, I can take care of myself now. I am disappointed that she did remove me from the health insurance. Seems like such a cold thing to do. Her explanation last Tuesday was that she wasn't sure if I would pay her for my half of the insurance. She said that I was very inconsistent for the past few months. That's when she told me that she has seen consistent changes in me for the past couple of weeks. I'd much rather take her telling me she has seen my changes, over being on her health insurance. The insurance means very little to me, my M means everything to me.
You know, I was going to post today about how I have thought about my feeling upset that I am going through this. That I was upset that I needed to show my W my consistent changes. That I felt like she should have been stronger and stayed to work on the M, etc. Then I realized that all of these thoughts are self pity. That I was thinking poor me and how this is so unfair. Well, yes, I could sit here and look at it this way or I can decide not put my time into those unproductive thoughts and continue to be proactive with my life. I will continue to take the proactive approach. The self pity way was the old me. Wow, maybe I am really changing for the better. Feels so good to be in control of myself again and not allow the depression and anxiety to be in control. Like I said in a previous post, I like my life so much more now that I have made these changes/improvements for myself. The icing on the cake would be to have my W back with me to enjoy this life. Time will tell..
W emailed me this morning about getting the carpets in the house cleaned. This was one of the tasks that I asked her last week if she could help me with. I'm glad that she is taking this on. Anyway, she is having a difficult time getting in contact with the carpet cleaners and asked me if I could try their number as she was getting a weird voice message when she called. Sure, I will call and get back to her later today. Trying to keep things friendly and build on the positive. She began the email greeting with my name and signed it "thanks, W". Sometimes she wouldn't address me by name or sign her emails. Don't know if I read too much into that but I'm keeping my eyes open for the small positives.
So all in all, a pretty good update to report. Not a lot of interaction with W for the past few days. I didn't email, call, text her to wish her happy Eatser. Nothing from her either but that's ok. I'm still doing well with not pursuing, contacting her. I continue to leave her alone and respect her space. What I took most out of the past few days was the interaction with people telling me how much of an improvement they have seen in me. That was wonderful to hear. Makes me feel hopeful that if they can see it, maybe my W will continue to see it.
Thanks for listening.
M 38 WAW 36 Together 19 years Married 12 years Bomb/Separated Oct. 09 I love my wife Sitch
Way to go mza8! I'm very proud of you for all that you've done over these past months! Your story will hopefully motivate me to be more positive about everything. Those downers are just never any fun.
Me48 WAW46 M24 yrs S24 D21 D19 EA disc 6/09 2nd EA Fall 09 I move out 11/12/09 W and I switch 1/14/10 D Filed 3/17/10 W moves in with OM 6/8/10 D Final 6/21/10
Thanks Ken and James. I'm trying. Whenever I have times of feeling down, I make myself get up and do something...take the dogs for a walk, take a drive, something.
So I emailed W back today about carpet cleaning. I said that I would try to contact them. She replied quickly (she must be checking her email regularly) and said to let her know if I got in touch with them. She went on to say that she scheduled the house cleaners to come in later this week. I have told her on numerous occasions that I do not want to pay for a cleaning company to clean with house. I do not want our joint money to pay for this service as I think she should clean since I have done all of the other work on the house. She's not listening to me and it's disrespectful. She complains that I don't listen to her...well it's a two way street.
She goes on to say that she wants to get the house cleaned this week so we can put it for sale this weekend. Tells me everything the cleaners will do to clean the house. In our last conversation I told her that I would let her know when I finished the work on the house before we put it for sale. I told her that I would let her know. So in her last email today she asked me if she should call the realtor and have them prepare the listing agreement to put the house for sale this weekend. She asked me if I was ok with the price we had previously discussed. Explains to me why she feels it's a good price, etc. It's a price that we did both seem to agree on previously. So it's not like she wants to put a low ball price on the house to sell it immediately and be done. She agrees with the higher price which means the house could be on the market for a while.
She ended the email by saying she would come over this week and plant some flowers around the house. She asked if the gardening tools are still at the house. She also said she would plant more annual flowers after the frost season is over if the house is still on the market.
Couple things. I do not want to pay for a house cleaner after I told her several times I do not want to pay for it with our joint money. I'd rather clean the house myself. Why not? I'm doing the rest of the house work anyway. I told her that I would contact her when I have the house work completed and it was ready to sell. She is clearly trying to push me on these issues. She did ask my opinion on a few issues. Don't know if that is just her being nice to try to get what she wants from me or if it's something more, something positive? I also will not go back to emailing each other about everything. I have told her before no more emails...face to face conversations or phone calls. Quick emails about setting up a time for us to talk are fine but I refuse to get into discussions with her via email anymore.
So here's my plan. I am thinking of emailing her back just to tell her that I called the carpet cleaner and he will call her to schedule the cleaning. Then I will tell her that we need to talk by phone to discuss the other items in her email. When she calls I will tell her that I do not want the house cleaners coming and that I am still not finished with the house work. She will probably be aggravated when I tell her this and think I am stalling. I will validate, say i understand if she feels this way but I am doing the best I can. I will tell her that my work schedule is very busy (and it is) and that I cannot give her a specific date when I will be finished with the house work but will let her know.
I don't want to give in here. These are things that I clearly told her that I would or would not do. She is trying to see if she can get her way. I feel that I cannot give in. This would make me weak, not a good thing. I'm not trying to stick it to her but I feel that I need to stand my ground. It goes back to my whole thinking of selling the house or not that I talked about in a previous post. I still haven't made that decision. I probably won't have a decision for a couple of weeks. Anyway, that's sort of my plan to respond to my W today. I would also tell her that tonight would not be a good night to talk as I have to work at my second job (real estate job) late tonight.
Hmmm...
Sandi, what to do here? I don't know if she is testing me to see if I will finally agree to sell the house. Don't know if she is thinking that if I don't agree to sell the house that I haven't changed and I'm not putting her first? I wonder if I agree to sell the house if she will then open up and be more receptive to working on the M? I just don't know? Otherwise, I would like to try to keep the house. I think to myself that if I can afford to keep the house on my own, what more could show her that I am being a strong man that wants to take care of things on his own?
Reminds me of the song "Signs". This verse...
Signs, signs, everywhere there's signs Blockin' up the scenery, breakin' my mind Do this, don't do that, can't you read the sign
Boy does that line speak the truth for me. Do this, don't do that, can't you read the sign...amen to that!
I'd like to at least respond to her email today. I don't want to play games with her. She is finally starting to contact me a bit more regularly and is being respectful to respond to me in a timely fashion. I want to do the same for her.
Sandi, if you get a chance can you let me know what you think? I've posted a few updates on my sitch too if you get time to read them. Thank you.
M 38 WAW 36 Together 19 years Married 12 years Bomb/Separated Oct. 09 I love my wife Sitch
Couple things. I do not want to pay for a house cleaner after I told her several times I do not want to pay for it with our joint money. I'd rather clean the house myself. Why not? I'm doing the rest of the house work anyway. I told her that I would contact her when I have the house work completed and it was ready to sell. She is clearly trying to push me on these issues. She did ask my opinion on a few issues. Don't know if that is just her being nice to try to get what she wants from me or if it's something more, something positive? I also will not go back to emailing each other about everything. I have told her before no more emails...face to face conversations or phone calls. Quick emails about setting up a time for us to talk are fine but I refuse to get into discussions with her via email anymore.
So here's my plan. I am thinking of emailing her back just to tell her that I called the carpet cleaner and he will call her to schedule the cleaning. Then I will tell her that we need to talk by phone to discuss the other items in her email. When she calls I will tell her that I do not want the house cleaners coming and that I am still not finished with the house work. She will probably be aggravated when I tell her this and think I am stalling. I will validate, say i understand if she feels this way but I am doing the best I can. I will tell her that my work schedule is very busy (and it is) and that I cannot give her a specific date when I will be finished with the house work but will let her know.
So why call the carpet cleaner to have them call her to set the appt.? Just tell her 'no', but if she insists, she can pay for it altogether, and it can be scheduled for when you are finished with the work you are doing. Period. Greek
Me45 H46 T25 M22 S21 & 19 D13 Separated and filed 8/08 Moved home 11/08
I'm ok with the carpet cleaners. This is a service which I don't think my W or I could do. So I'm Ok with using our joint money to pay for the carpet cleaning. I'm not ok with the house cleaners. This is something my W and I can do. She is unwilling to help out by cleaning so she wants to use our joint money to pay for a house cleaner. I get your point though that I just need to tell her no and I will contact her when my work on the house is finished. That's my plan.
Funny how she doesn't want to help out with the rest of the house work but she is willing to plant flowers. Interesting. I figured she didn't want to come by the house to help because maybe it was too painful for her. However, she is willing to come by to plant flowers. She always did enjoy planting flowers each spring. We would always go out one weekend in the spring to buy our spring flowers together.
Greek, if you get a chance, would you skim through my thread? Your sitch is similar to mine that there was not OM in your sitch either. I would be very interested in what pushed you away from your H and what helped you to give it another try? There is no other person for either my W or me. You can see from my sitch that my company going out of business, followed by my depression and lack of a job, seems to have created this sitch. Wish I could change the past but I can't. So here I am trying to put it all back together. I know gr8 and I seem to have similar sitchs are we could both use your insight. Thank you again.
M 38 WAW 36 Together 19 years Married 12 years Bomb/Separated Oct. 09 I love my wife Sitch
She asked if tonight would be a good time to talk. She asked about the mortgage and about bringing in someone to clean the house.
Your wife brought this up back on March 22 about bringing in someone to clean the house. It is now April 5th. That is two weeks ago.
And you are NOW just going to start ANOTHER thing that you don't agree with. This seems to be your M.O.
I must say that it is understandable why your wife thinks you are stalling. I can also understand why your wife said that you ALWAYS have to get your way and she was done letting you get your way.
It does NOT take this long to put a house up on the market.
Don't know who you are trying to fool, but you are most certainly NOT helping your situation by being so slow. Women are not attracted to men that whine and moan about every little issue.
I can tell you that she is losing MORE respect for you the longer you take to get the house on the market. You can try to tell me and her and anybody else how you know more and know better about putting the house on the market, but it is YOU that is hurting yourself..
GET THE HOUSE on the market NOW. Either get the silly house cleanded and ready or quit being an a** and pay your half of getting it cleaned. You are looking ridiculous...
I bet you don't tell a customer who you want to list to take a couple of months and clean it up etc. and then call you when they are ready. If you do you won't make much money as a realtor.
There is no reason on earth that your house can't be listed while you finish up the little work you have left. Your wife knows this and it is making you look silly.
I'm just wondering.... do you want to sell the house at all, are you just stalling and coming up with reasons why things can't be done a certain way?
If you don't want to sell the house and you want to keep it, that's cool, have you told your wife that?
If you do want to sell the house and don't want to pay for house cleaners just be up front about it with the wife, just tell her
"look I want to sell the house as much as you do, I really do but with the amount of work I've put in the house thus far it just not fair to me to pay half for the house cleaners, you pay for the cleaners out of your pocket and you can have them in here tomorrow, I have no problem with that, I've just spent too much of my own money and invest too much of my own effort, time for you to put in some effort & cash if you want to move this house, plain & simple otherwise we can sell the house when you're ready to get involved in this effort."
